THE nation loves a good chocolate bar. Settling in on a Saturday night for a cup of tea and a chocolate bar is a national pastime.
Therefore, the choice of bar has the power to make or break your weekend. A big responsibility.
In order to help your decision process, I've gone to the extremely important job of ranking them from worst to best so there are no more wasted weekends. OK, let's do this.
44. Turkish Delight – Worst
A supposed energy bar. If you want energy before a game, have a banana. It will certainly taste better.
42. Double Decker
I’ll be 100% honest here… I’ve never had a Double Decker. I’m pretty sure no one else has either. If anyone has ever had one, please let everyone else know how it tastes.
Let’s be serious here. Chomps shouldn’t be eaten by anyone over the age of 10.
A poor man’s Twix. Next.
Shouldn’t be consumed outside of a Cadbury’s Heroes box.
38. Nestle Crunch
Yep, they’re still being made apparently. I’ll give you £50 if you’ve eaten a Crunch bar in the last year.
Disclaimer: I won’t.
A poor man’s Snickers.
A chocolate bar that Grandma gives you to remind you of World War 2.
Has anyone ever bought this when there are other options? The answer is no.
34. Time Out
Another chocolate bar that probably had UK-wide sales in the single figures.
Eye-catching packaging… that’s about it.
32. Milky Way
A bit of a ‘90s speciality. Lost a bit of magic in the last 20 years.
31. Curly Wurly
Absolute magic as a child. A nuisance and catastrophe as an adult. If you see an adult eating a Curly Wurly by themselves, do not approach them and call for help immediately.
30. Aero Orange
No-one asked for orange flavoured Aero… and nobody eats them.
Gets a bit of a bad reputation, but it's actually pretty nice if you really try and imagine you’re on a beach in the Caribbean whilst eating it. Bit of a stretch, granted.
The last minute airport purchase that we all love, but you can’t shove a Toblerone in your pocket without looking like a psychopath. So points deducted.
Not a bar, sure, but you’ll get over that. Mediocre snack. Nothing to write home about. Living off the Galaxy brand like the leeches they are.
Lovely flavour. You have to eat them quickly, otherwise you have one massive Button.
25. Dairy Milk Fruit & Nut
Take a great chocolate bar, add more ingredients and ruin it.
They may talk a big game, but they don’t follow through.
If it’s good enough for the Milkybar Kid, it’s good enough for me. Eating a Milkybar at 30 years old is a bit weird though.
A solid bar. Not many people would turn down tucking into a Twix, but lacks a bit of x-factor.
It's a shame they moved away having the foil you can satisfyingly cut with your thumbnail, but still does the job.
On a side-note, I don’t have time for a company enlarging its product and trying to sell me something ‘new.’
So, KitKat Chunky doesn’t make the list at all and can quite frankly jog on.
20. Wispa Gold
A good entry, but doesn’t improve on a standard Wispa.
19. Toffee Crisp
You’d forgotten about these hadn’t you? A Toffee Crisp was a staple of your ‘90s lunch box.
It’s faded away over the decades, but it deserves more respect than you give it. You should be ashamed.
A bit of a curve ball, but I reckon Munchies will surprise everyone once they’ve had a few.
A slight air of disappointment when someone offers you one, but as soon as you sink your teeth in, you wonder why you’ve not considered them before.
The gambler’s snack. You play a constant game that could result in adulation or despair.
A full spectrum of emotions from ‘oh fantastic, a toffee one’ to ‘oh ffs a ruddy orange one again.’ You play the game, you take the consequences my friend.
Comes in and out of popularity following major advertising campaigns. A good bar, but depends too much on marketing.
A ‘90s stalwart. Maybe the Lion King remake will bring back some of that hype around the Lion bar.
Further down than the list than some might expect, but I feel a lot of people see Mars with rose-tinted glasses because it’s advertised everywhere.
They sponsor the England football team for goodness’ sake. If you’re a promising England football player, please don’t eat Mars bars. It won't go well.
Absolutely love a Daim. Gets in your teeth a bit, but I can get over that.
Maybe it’s that Cadbury’s purple colour, but Twirl just appeals to me when I see it on the shelves.
It’s basically a Flake for people who don’t want to get completely covered in chocolate.
Also, if anyone sees this 'Caramel Special Edition' Twirl on the shelves, please buy it for me and I'll reimburse you. Promise.
11. Kinder Bueno
Lord have mercy, I love a Kinder Bueno. Those little chocolate shavings at the bottom don’t half go everywhere, but it’s worth the aggravation.
Also, has anyone ever managed to break one in half like on the wrapper? Literally impossible.
So light you barely feel it in your mouth… but in a good way.
Dense. So ruddy dense. Basically an edible hammer.
8. Galaxy Ripple
The Twirl and Flake may compete on the crumble-factor, but Ripple destroys them for flavour.
So, if you do want to play the sadistic game of ‘can I eat this chocolate bar without getting melted chocolate all over my clothes?,’ you go for a Ripple.
7. Terry’s Chocolate Orange
The cricket ball from the heavens. It’s both food and theatre at the same time.
You get the delight of smashing the concrete ball of chocolate against the floor or straight through a table, then eating the suddenly delicate little segments of orangy chocolate one by one.
Also, it's part of your 5-a day.*
*Not true in anyway shape or form.
6. Dairy Milk Caramel
5. Aero Mint
Controversially above a normal Aero. Think of it as The Godfather Part II of chocolate bars.
No-one's ever been sad eating a Crunchie. It’s scientifically impossible.
Why on earth was Wispa ever discontinued? Maybe we didn’t appreciate it enough. Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder as the nation has fallen back in love with it.
Very close to being the number one. Placing a piece of Galaxy on your tongue and letting it melt is one of life’s greatest pleasures.
1. Dairy Milk – Best
You can’t say a bad word about it. The Cadbury’s Dairy Milk is the king for a reason. No massive gimmick, it's just chocolate in its perfect form.
There you have it. The definitive rankings of chocolate bars. If, for some reason, you think I'm wrong, let me know in the comments. I like reading people's incorrect opinions.
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