Bekah Martinez is trying to unlearn notions of what a work/life balance should look like as a mom.
In a thoughtful Instagram post on Wednesday — shared alongside a snapshot of herself smiling with her two kids, son Franklin James, 5 months, and daughter Ruth Ray De La Luz, 22 months — the Bachelor alum got candid about struggling internally with guilt about working and being away from her kids.
"A friend asked me the other day how I balance work and kids. The answer I wanted to give was, 'you just figure out time management and it all works out!' " Martinez, 25, writes. "The truthful answer is… I don't have balance."
"I constantly feel ashamed about the amount of time I spend on my phone around my babies. Every week when that stupid screen time report pops up, I wince. Sometimes I think about quitting it all and moving into some random forest without wifi," continues Martinez, who shares her children with boyfriend Grayston Leonard.
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"I'm unbelievably grateful for what I do, and it gives me so much purpose and joy," she says, "but I also feel SO guilty for the time it takes me away from Ruth and Franklin. Instead of balance, it feels like a battle between two sides that both need me."
"I also feel like it's partially a result of social conditioning to have to be everything for our children," Martinez adds. "We're expected to sacrifice our desires, our dreams, and our needs. Even though my heart knows that's not right, my head still feeds me the lie that I'm not a good enough mom if I don't give all of myself."
"How do we mamas do it? I don't know. But if you do, please send help!" she concludes.
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In the comment section, former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky-Manno — who shares son Riley Doran, 2, and daughter Molly Sullivan, 4, with husband Kevin Manno — agreed with Martinez. "I relate to this on so many levels," says Fedotowsky-Manno, 36.
Martinez told PEOPLE earlier this month that though the pandemic "has been absolutely horrible" in many ways, Martinez says a silver lining is that it has given her a chance to bond with her family in a "special" way that she and Leonard may not have been able to otherwise.
"It was nice to have the excuse to not go anywhere, to not see anyone, and really focus on time with my family," she says. "My boyfriend has a whole business, and so for him to be able to just stay home and spend time with our daughter, it really brought us closer as a family and was a really great way to welcome a new baby into our home. It felt like we were really centered as a family and very connected."
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