FAST asleep in his bed, Ignacio Malagon had no idea the knocking at his door was about to send his life spiralling into a "never-ending nightmare".
The doctor first thought the banging was a dream, but when he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and opened the front door he saw two policeman standing in front of him. It was at this moment he realised his daughter was dead.
Clara Malagon, his 22-year-old daughter who had treated child victims of the Manchester Arena terror attack, had been found dead in her flat on July 31, 2017.
Speaking to The Sun , Ignacio, 55, said: “I was sleeping then suddenly I heard a bang on the door, I thought I was dreaming. I heard another bang on the door, and when I went down and saw the police, I knew she was dead.
"Zak and Nick are the two officers who came in, and I asked them to sit down. I told them I’m going up to get dressed and I knew they were going to give me bad news, and then they confirmed that Clara was dead.
"I wasn’t thinking at the time, you enter a point where you go into automatic. I felt like I was in a battlefield.
“It was a state of continuous stress where you have to try and focus and channel your thoughts just to stay alive.
“I didn’t sleep. Everything quickly turned into a never-ending nightmare.”
The inquest heard how brave Clara had treated kids who did not survive the attack during an Ariana Grande concert in May 22, 2017.
She had told her dad that she had “seen so many things” in the horrific attack that killed 22 and left dozens injured.
But Ignacio, who works as a consultant aesthetician in Wythenshaw hospital in Manchester, does not believe the bomb explosion was a major factor in his daughter’s death.
He said: “The reason why Clara is not here with us today is because she suffered with a mental illness, which has nothing to do with her course or her job.
“This must have been difficult for her because you have to be jolly, you have to be energetic, you have to perform.
“You don’t want to be a burden to your friends, you don’t want to be the odd one out and this is the struggle.”
The night before her death, the pair had discussed plans to meet on Tuesday for dinner at his home.
Instead Ignacio had to go and identify her body.
Clara was diagnosed with depression in 2016 but neither Ignacio or step-mum Minke, 49, who works as a medical practitioner in Holland, thought that she was in such a dark place that she would contemplate suicide.
Ignacio said: “Clara’s circumstances didn’t involve a trigger, she didn’t have a row with a boyfriend, or drugs, or an issue at work.
“You cannot see mental illness in an X-ray, you can’t see the degree of it, or how nasty it is.
“Some people will harm themselves, some people will be paralysed on the sofa, but she wasn’t like that.
“Two GPs asked her if she contemplated suicide and she always said no, once she said that if she thought of suicide she’d have to think about her family and she would quickly abandon the idea.
“Everything Clara has done in the past has to be analysed through the prism of suicide. Because of that you begin to question everything.
“I never ever thought she would do this.”
Minke added: “We knew something was going on, but we didn’t know the extent of how much she suffered.
“We knew she had symptoms, but they didn’t reflect to the severity of her depression. The symptoms were not as such that we were worried.
“It’s clear to me that she knew that she needed to seek help and she made the effort to fight the disease, but it was stronger than that.
“It was all very sudden.”
Clara had counselling after the suicide bombing and in a statement to the inquest her GP, Dr Gill Aitken, said: ”She came back to me and said she was feeling low and crying, and feeling apathetic. "Whilst there was no trigger, I believe this was work related.”
Ignacio and Minke say that they still speak to Clara every day.
You cannot see mental illness in an x-ray, you can’t see the degree of it, or how nasty it is.
Ignacio likes to imagine she is working abroad, still living “as the life of the party” with the “sparkle” she always had.
He said: “The human mind is really weird, I think that very often I don’t think she’s dead. I think she’s working in Australia, and I know many of her friends feel exactly the same way.
“Occasions like the inquest yesterday are a reminder that she is indeed not here.
“That is quite difficult.
“Minke has caught me in the back garden, just about to call her.
“I still want to call her, just to see if she wants to have a glass of wine and just talk like we always did.
“I don’t have to remember her, she’s not gone. She’s still downstairs, she’s everywhere.
KNOW THE SIGNS From drinking too much to a lack of sleep…10 signs your loved one could be at risk of suicide
“She’s sitting their cracking jokes, in the kitchen drinking cider. I don’t need to remember her, she’s still with me.”
One memory that Ignacio holds extremely dear is the time his daughter spent working with him in Wythenshawe Hospital for a short placement before university.
Ignacio, who has a son Elia, 19, who is a student in Madrid, said: “I was until very recently the happiest man in the world, I was so proud when she came and worked with me in the hospital.
“She always said she wanted to do intensive care, she had other offers, but she was determined to work in that field.
“She used to love it in the hospital, she would send me all these selfies of herself. I’ve always been proud of my children, I was so happy to have her around.
“When she came for the placement I tried to stay away as much as possible, because I didn’t want to embarrass her.”
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet, it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun has launched the You're Not Alone campaign. To remind anyone facing a tough time, grappling with mental illness or feeling like there's nowhere left to turn, that there is hope.
To mark World Suicide Prevention Day, over the course of this week, we will tell you the stories of brave survivors, relatives left behind, heroic Good Samaritans – and share tips from mental health experts.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others. You're Not Alone.
For a list of support services available, please see the Where To Get Help box below.
In an email chain between staff at the hospital, Ignacio described his pride at the description used to describe Clara: “committed, caring and witty”.
Ignacio now hopes the story of his daughter will help others in a similar situation and prevent other tragedies occurring.
He said: “One of the things I loved was that her friends were openly talking about suicide prevention, they had flyers, they went into a lot detail about how to seek help and how to nip it in the bud. I thought it was fantastic.
“I think it is really good that these conversations are out in the open. There is a willingness to talk about it.
“I wonder what mental health would look like if it received the same funding as cancer research.”
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please call the Samaritans on (free) 116123
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