Nothing like getting to witness a drunk Kyle Richards shout, “My vagina is f–king cute!” on a casual Tuesday evening.
Tuesday’s "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" served us a fiery side of Teddi Mellencamp we haven’t yet seen, and we kind of loved it! Plus, we got to witness Denise Richards drunkenly gush over her man’s penis, and Kyle Richards drunkenly do the splits. It was quite the well-rounded episode.
But first, a big happy 50th birthday is in order for Camille Grammer, who beat cancer, survived an ugly divorce and looks better than most 25-year-olds. She celebrated by gathering all of her closest, cattiest friends to party on her big day. Naturally, drama followed.
Last week, Lisa Vanderpump invited Kyle and Dorit Kemsley over to her house to show them six pages worth of text messages between Teddi and John Blizzard that proved Teddi was a willing participant in PuppyGate. Not only that, but the messages showed Teddi texted John Blizzard not even five minutes before she and Kyle pulled up to Vanderpump Dogs on the season premiere to ensure Dorit’s dog would be there.
According to Teddi, once she saw the way Lisa was acting like she had absolutely no idea what was going on, she pulled herself out of the plot intended to make Dorit look bad. Up until this point, Teddi had not been 100 percent honest with Dorit about her participation in the ordeal.
This week, Dorit confided in Erika Girardi that she felt torn between what Teddi was telling her and what Lisa was telling her. Erika was a bit shocked because Teddi hadn’t necessarily copped to everything Dorit saw in the text messages when the two spoke last week. Erika ultimately advised Dorit to trust no one but herself moving forward, which bummed Dorit out. But she put on a brave face and attended Camille’s party anyway.
While there, Teddi pulled Dorit aside to chat. Erika came, too. Dorit told Teddi what she saw in the text messages, and the accountability queen immediately owned up to everything. She apologized profusely but did, however, maintain that PuppyGate was 100 percent Lisa’s idea. She also said both John Blizzard and John Sessa were in on it.
Dorit was upset but surprisingly very forgiving. She even comforted a crying Teddi! The two hugged it out — just in time for LVP to pull up to the party with Kyle.
"I want to move on from it," Lisa said of the situation. "I’ve seen… It’s all clear to me, but…"
Teddi barked back, "What’s clear to you?"
"You are guilty by omission!" Lisa replied. "You sat there when they were saying, ‘Who said bring the dog forward?’ And I saw the texts! I was shocked!"
"Lisa, I was on a phone call with John Blizzard while you were on the other line with John Sessa," Teddi maintained, but LVP didn’t budge. She said she "didn’t know" Teddi was involved.
"How did you know to text Dorit, ‘Teddi knows’?" Teddi asked, to which Lisa replied, "Of course I knew you knew! Of course I knew!"
Kyle’s head twitched, lips puckered and eyes squinted as she no doubt recalled that Lisa assured her and Dorit last week that she didn’t know Teddi knew.
In came pot-stirrer extraordinaire Lisa Rinna. "There were no texts!" she said. "That’s what I heard in the Bahamas. That’s what was said at the table."
The conversation went in circles until a defeated Teddi eventually accepted that she’d be the only one fessing up to anything. "I know you’re not gonna take any ownership for your part. I’ve taken ownership. I have told the truth. I have apologized," she said sternly to LVP. "If you can live with yourself doing this then go for it. It’s been working for you for a long time. So let’s just all coexist, put on a happy face and do this. I know I’m not gonna change you, so if you’re not gonna admit to anything then that’s what it is."
"So you don’t feel any kind of guilt or remorse?" Vanderpump asked.
"I don’t feel any guilt with you," Teddi fired back. "I feel betrayed by you."
"Well, I feel betrayed by you, too," Lisa said.
"Oh, ’cause I couldn’t carry out your little plan? Sorry," Teddi replied sarcastically. In her confessional, Teddi went on to say Lisa was "full of shit." She whipped out her phone showing tons more text messages with John Blizzard that seemingly prove Lisa, Ken and even Pandora were in on PuppyGate.
After the conversation ended, Kyle quickly made her way to the bar, where she proceeded to order several margaritas and get absolutely "bombed." Lisa Rinna, who was also hammered, urged Kyle to dance — and, boy, did she! The "RHOBH" OG whipped out her famous splits before flashing her lady bits to Vanderpump while getting into the car at the end of the night.
"Why do I have to be cute all the f–king time?!" she shouted from the backseat of the car as she took her heels off and waved her feet in Lisa’s face.
"But you weren’t, darling, your vagina was on the floor," Lisa reminded Kyle, who shouted back, "My vagina is f–king cute!"
Kyle’s husband, Mauricio Umansky, was in the front seat, giggling up a storm.
Before Camille’s party, however, we got to see a similar side of Denise Richards.
She and her now-husband, Aaron Phypers, met up with Kyle and Vanderpump for lunch. Denise was visibly a bit out of it, but once she blurted out that Aaron "has a very big penis," it was game over.
She went on to refer to Aaron’s large member at least a dozen times more, then ate her salad with her hands — all while laughing uncontrollably.
We love her. We love this show. God bless Andy Cohen.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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