Miss the last “Sharknado” movie ever? Don’t worry, we’ve got every WTF moment and head-scratching cameo covered. We think.
Five years and five movies after "Sharknado" flew into our lives in 2013, the sixth and final film of the franchise aired Sunday night on SyFy … and, wow, was it something.
Now, here’s where we admit that we missed "Sharknado" 3-5. Whoops.
But a thorough Wikipedia search filled in the blanks there: Sharknadoes just kept happening, Tara Reid’s April died and came back a robot, and Ian Ziering’s Finn eventually met up with a grown up version of their son, Gil, who figured out how to "turn a sharknado into a time machine." Okay, okay.
This one picks up right where "Global Swarming" ended, with Finn and his robot wife’s head traveling back through time to stop every sharknado ever. From the age of the dinosaurs, the movie bounces to Camelot, the Revolutionary War, the old West, ’50s, ’90s and into the far, far future.
We’ll break this down by time period going forward — here’s 57 insane things that actually happened in this movie.
Jurassic Shark
- Finn awakens solo in the prehistoric age, as Gil’s hologram informs him he couldn’t travel through time because he’d already done it once. They’ll run into younger versions of Gil through the film, following him through other time vortexes.
- April’s robot head, which was in Finn’s possession and in a burlap sack, is snatched by a dinosaur. It’s eventually recovered.
- Finn stares down a T-Rex, which is snatched off a cliff by a Megalodon. (Uh oh, did SyFy just stumble upon their next franchise, "Hurricane Megalodon"? We hope not, but we’d be curious enough to watch at least one!)
- Nova (Cassie Scerbo), Bryan (Judah Friedlander) are alive again, having been saved by a time-traveling Gil right before their deaths in previous movies.
- Human April is also still alive, making her entrance on the back of a giant pteranodon (above). The creature’s name: Tara.
- Their plan to stop the first sharknado: swatting meteorites into it with the pteranodon’s tail.
- What actually happens: they swat meteorites into the mouth of a megalodon first, which then explodes inside the ‘nado.
A Shark in King Arthur’s Court
- The gang time travels on Tara’s back in Camelot, where evil sorceress Morgana (Alaska from "RuPaul’s Drag Race") shoots them out of the sky.
- Also, for some random reason, Bryan is a woman now and played by Debra Wilson. Time travel can apparently screw with gender. Note: This is the only time in the whole movie something like this happens.
- Morgana magically teleports by saying "Byeeeeee," in true Alaska form.
- The group meets up with Merlin, who is played by Neil Degrasse Tyson. For real.
- Human April finds out there’s a robot April head and is mortified. She quickly gets over it.
- Morgana whips up a potion that makes the sharks breathe fire, so now they’re basically dragon sharks. Bad idea, since one of them later burns her to death.
- Finn pulls Excalibur from the stone, only to find that it’s a giant chainsaw, which he uses to kill all the sharks (above).
- The warriors then use a catapult to launch them into another vortex.
- Neil Degrasse Tyson flys off with Tara the pteranodon.
Raise a Glass to Freedom
- Paul Revere rides through the Revolutionary War yelling, "The sharks are coming, the sharks are coming!"
- The gang runs into Benjamin Franklin (Leslie Jordan), Alexander Hamilton (Ben Stein) and George Washington (Darrell Hammond).
- The invading British are randomly played by Dexter Holland and Noodles from rock band The Offspring.
- Ben Franklin: "The British are throwing flying sharks at us!" (above)
- Their plan here: fire cannonballs into lightening, so they charge mid-air and diffuse the sharknado. It works!
- Bryan (played by Judah Friedlander again) stays in the olden days, because he’s a history teacher and digs it.
- They use Franklin’s kite and key to blast a stagecoach through another time vortex.
Welcome to Westworld
- Finn & Friends crash into the wild wild west, interrupting a standoff between Billy the Kid ("Mean Girls" alum Jonathan Bennett) and a local sheriff (Dee Snider).
- Finn’s arrested by Snider, who actually tells him, "I think I know who’s twisted, mister."
- The Shermanator from "American Pie" plays a version of Reid and Ziering’s son. Deep cut, right there.
- Also in Westworld: Vivica A. Fox, whose character Skye was saved at one point by Gil too.
- Snider says the words, "I’m not gonna take this anymore" before being eaten by a shark.
- Robot April awakens, blasting all the sharks out of the sky with her laser beam eyes (above).
- Billy the Kid’s arm gets devoured by a shark, then continues shooting inside its mouth. Another shark then lands on his head.
- Pulling a "Back to the Future III," the group blasts through time aboard a locomotive train.
The Fin-Filled ’50s
- We now find ourselves on a beach in the ’50s, as a band made up of Cousin Oliver from "The Brady Bunch" (Robbie Rist), Benjy Bronk from The Stern Show and the movie’s producer Anthony C. Ferrante play a song called "Do the Shark."
- Finn’s parents are played by Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott (above). Tori’s last name is Martin, as in Donna Martin. And, yes, she asks Finn: "You look so familiar, did we go to high school together?"
- The group gains control of a flux capacitor that allows them to control where to travel next, without following Gil’s wake.
’90 San Fin-sisco
- Nova hacks the system, taking everyone to 1997 San Fran so she can prevent her grandfather from being killed by a shark.
- Another Brady sighting, as Christopher Knight plays her grandpa. They board a boat captained by Bernie Kopell, of "Love Boat" fame. These are some odd references.
- Gramps is saved, but Nova and April get torn to shreds by swarming sharks (above). Also, Robot April’s head sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
- Finn and Skye hook themselves to the back of a shark, skimming the water before opening up another time vortex.
Blade Runner: 20013
- Skye and Finn end up in 20013, not 2013 … and some ‘ish has gone down. Los Angeles has been totally destroyed.
- Metal robot sharks are flying everywhere. Finn: "Maybe that’s how sharks evolved."
- An army of April robots are the only other lifeforms in existence. Skye: "It’s Planet of the Aprils"
- Evil robot queen April — crown and all — is pissed she was abandoned in the ocean. It’s clearly driven her mad (above).
- She needs Finn’s DNA to create an army of Finn-bots, so they can be together, forever.
- Oh, and she also went back in time to rescue Human April, so she’d have DNA to make more of her.
- Skye gets frozen in carbonite, Han Solo-style, while Robo-April battles Finn.
- Human April breaks free, channels Sigourney Weaver and shouts, "Get away from him, you bitch!" at the robot, before they battle to the death.
- Somehow both Aprils start blasting each other with lasers and it opens a portal for Finn to escape through. Sorry, it all starts getting really murky with the CG and storyline around here. Good luck!
When Are We?
- Finn travels back to when April’s head was discovered in the ocean, so he can stop it from turning evil. It works.
- Evil Robo-April has time traveled here too though, and they all fight it out in the middle of a Timenado.
- Inside this Timenado, Cleopatra (La Toya Jackson) tells some sharks they’re "gonna get rocked," while Hitler, Confucius and a Viking (Kato Kaelin) all swirl around in what looks like an acid trip come to life.
- Head April gets stuck in the jaws of a shark, where she proceeds to blast Evil Robo-April with her laser vision until she and her shark zeppelin explode (above).
- Head April tells Finn to blow her up. You see, her head has a nuclear core, so, "it’ll either repair time or destroy the universe."
- Head April: "Ready to blow my mind?"
- He is, he does, everything explodes.
No More Sharknados Ever
SyFy
- After repairing time, all is right in the world. Mark McGrath is there, April’s parents (Bo Derek and Gary Busey) are there, April’s pregnant and everyone — including Nova and Bryan — is alive.
- Skye is running for president. An "Apprentice" star in the White House? Never.
- Finn makes a moving speech to everyone at his bar, before handing over the keys to Sugar Ray and moving to Kansas. His final message to his friends, family and viewers: "I want to raise a glass to all of you, because you’re my heroes. To an end of an era and to new beginnings. Semper paratus."
- The franchise ends with a shot of Al Roker, on "TODAY," saying there’s "not a cloud or storm on the horizon." His closing words are ones we should all take to heart: "So get out, enjoy some time with the family on this beautiful day. There won’t be anything like it again."
We hope the same can be said for the "Sharknado" franchise.
For now, we leave you with this shot of La Toya Jackson as Cleopatra. You’re welcome.
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