And a bunch of dudes went home.
Why are people still arriving to this show when it’s over halfway over? We were just watching the preview and they’re like "more people show up!" to make waves, but we feel like at this point it doesn’t make sense if anyone wants the time to find love…
Oh wait, that’s not really the goal of "Bachelor in Paradise." The star is the drama! How are we just now getting this?
Joe Puts An End To Leo’s Condescending Garbage
The last episode ended with a cliffhanger, where Leo was being awful to Kendall after she called him out for kissing someone else, and Joe showed up to put an end to it.
The resolution to that is he asked Kendall to walk with him instead.
In her conversation with Joe, Kendall told him all she wanted was Leo to tell her face-to-face why he was being such a giant dildo to everyone, but the conversation was going in circles.
So she thanked Joe for the help (even though she didn’t really need it) by putting her airhole on his airhole. Glad they’re back together! Joe deserves love. Kendall… well, we’re on the fence after her little Leo detour that ended in Stupidville.
Jenna And Benoit Go At It
Not like, uh, "go at it," but we mean argue a bit.
Benoit approached Jenna and told her their split in the last episode didn’t make sense, and she’s makes things needlessly complicated. This upset her and he ended up making her cry, which we hope made him feel like a big man.
So Jordan went to make sure she was OK, and she told him that Benoit made her feel bad for what happened — and Jordan was so mad, he was about to put his foot up Benoit’s ass.
It ended with Jordan walking off to confront the French Canadian, and giving him a tongue lashing (not the good kind). Benoit didn’t put up much of a fight, but he sure did have some harsh words for Jordan in the confessional.
Jordan then went and talked about it to Kevin, and said that he just wanted to keep Benoit from "opening up his briefcase" and running his "French little fingers" through it. Say what you want about Jordan, but he has a way with words.
Benoit Makes Moves On Chelsea
Chelsea was sad in the last episode because she hasn’t really clicked with anyone, so we suppose we’re happy for her — but was Benoit just worried about not getting a rose? Seemed a little quick after how mad he was over Jenna.
BUT, Chelsea and Benoit gave each other a tongue lashing (the good kind) at the end of their conversation, so maybe it’s true love! Or, maybe — and don’t quote us on this (Actually, do! We dare you!) — the producers tell everyone that every scene needs kissing and if they don’t reach their quota they’ll be skewered on a swordfish.
Eric Gets A Date Card
Finally, someone who wasn’t Colton or Tia or John got to go on a date! It was Eric, who has been cozying up to Angela in the background this whole time. He even asked her to go with him, immediately. Cute! But that also means the show is about to tempt the shit out of him if it goes well.
On the date, they went to a hotel suite where some lady wasted a bunch of roses by throwing the petals on the floor while the couple walked behind her.
Then, Eric opened a bottle of champagne when there was CLEARLY a pyramid of filled champagne flutes in the room with them. Seriously, the camera operator kept framing them with it.
And then a giant bowl of ice cream came to the door. They definitely couldn’t finish it.
After that, it was a cart full of cheese!
It was just a wasteful night all around. We hope the film crew got some leftovers, otherwise we feel like it was an actual crime and Eric and Angela should be arrested.
But they had fun, and got closer, which means the show was definitely about to try and ruin it.
Chris Wants To Show Krystal How Serious He Is
Chris (not Harrison) decided to get romantic for Krystal, so he created a fire hazard with a bunch of candles and then rolled out some probably very flammable yoga mats right next to them. Then, he said he wanted Krystal to teach him some yoga — which was kinda like inviting a chef over and being like "here’s the food, please cook for me."
Krystal was like, wait, you mean I have to work? She put a stop to that and made him lead. Chris was sweating profusely.
Wait, did she ever tell him what happened on her date with Connor in the last episode? Did we miss that? It was like a mini-cliffhanger! Oh well. Sorry if we did.
Anyway, Krystal and Chris kissed, and we’re absolutely positive we saw her lick his teeth at one point. Sexy!
John Thinks He Can Get Kendall
John, Mr. Venmo, told Jubilee he didn’t see a future with her, essentially shooting himself in the foot instead of getting a guaranteed rose this week. So he was desperately trying to find someone else to replace her.
He set his sights on Kendall, even after all the recent drama, and claimed he has "always had something with her." Suuuuuuure.
John pulled her aside to talk to her in a cabana. This is when Leo decided to sow seeds of doubt into Joe, because Leo is terrible.
John, during his conversation with Kendall, kept touching her leg. It was weird. He was trying very hard, probably at the behest of the producers, and we did not like any part of it. Then they kissed! Like, awkward-pause-OK-is-now-good-tell-us-when-producers kissed. It was forced and unbelievable. Poor Joe, though, getting put through the ringer for such a staged moment.
Then they stopped playing "All Star" (Smash Mouth, get it? Smashing mouths?) and she immediately regretted doing it, almost as much as we regret signing on to cover this show. She then went directly to tell Joe, even though she knew it was going to crush him again, and framed all the kissing as "curiosities" with the other men because she’s falling for Joe, and that scared her.
Joe then interrupted her and admitted he was falling for her too. It was very forgiving in light of her mouth having been on another man’s mouth like two minutes before they sat down.
The Cocktail Party From Hell
With eight women and twelve men, four were going home. So the cocktail party had to count, right?
The night began with an obviously set-up round of "cheers" where people were making toasts — this of course snowballed into Leo getting passive aggressive, then just plain ol’ aggressive. When it was his turn to make a toast, he used it to say Kendall was "full of shit" despite a great first date with him.
Joe spoke up and tried to get him to stop, but Leo continued and stood up to say, "Good luck with grocery store bitch over there," and it wasn’t cutting or clever by any means. It was either a man with an out-of-control ego, or a producer’s script, depending on how much of reality TV you believe.
Joe wasn’t going to stand for it, though, and actually got up in Leo’s face and told him to say it again. Which, Leo did without hesitation. A drink was thrown, and the producers had to step in to break it up.
Leo was escorted away. Tia called him Tarzan, which is offensive to cartoons.
And that’s the end of that. So that was 1 of the 4 men who went home.
Chelsea Is The New Bachelorette
We have to admit, someone said that Chelsea was the new Bachelorette and they were right because three dudes were about to really try hard for her rose.
David made his case first, and he was honest that he knew the ship with Chelsea had sailed as far as them having a relationship goes, but if she didn’t feel strongly about the other guys, he wanted her to keep him in case someone that was meant for him would show up to Paradise. It was the most level-headed thing we’d seen David do.
But then John kissed her during his time (we’re running out of ridiculous ways to describe kissing, please send some in the comments), and we can’t help but feel like this show is just trying to shoehorn him in to every situation at this point. We can’t understand why, either.
Connor then kissed her too, but only after a couple of awkward jokes, no connection, and just a "can I kiss you?"
Then, finally, Benoit kissed her. His speech was about how he didn’t care that she was a single mom, because he’d dated single moms before. It was terrible. (Leveraging that as a reason to keep him, not that single moms don’t deserve love! In fact, they deserve more love. There’s no harder role on the planet.)
The Ceremony
There was only one rose up for grabs, and Chelsea gave it to John (???), sending Benoit, David, and Connor home for good.
Benoit went off and cried about it.
Olivia Shows Up
At this point, the show is really pushing it with giving these people enough time to find love as they’re still sending in new folks’ to paradise. Olivia, from Arie’s season of "The Bachelor" showed up. With a date card.
After finding out everyone else was taken, she asked John on the date, which was kind of a blow to Chelsea (but not really), and we yet again had to sit through another John date.
John’s Date With Olivia…
… was boring, even though the show tried to trick us by calling the date a "quiet, romantic dinner" and having it actually be a party with a dance floor.
We refuse to play into this, producers. Not covering it.
(They kissed to meet quota.)
The Show Tests Eric With Cassandra
Cassandra, who was on Juan Pablo’s season, showed up with a date card and started pulling guys. First, the show teased Colton, but come on.
Then, she pulled Eric, who said he and Angela were taking things slow and that he was open, despite telling Angela the opposite. So, of course he accepted the date when she asked.
This crushed Angela, because like we said: Eric said he wasn’t going on a date with anyone. He claimed he then woke up the next day with a different feeling.
She was super pissed! Not to Eric, but when she was talking to the other ladies about it.
And that was the cliffhanger! See you next week — for a three hour episode?
F–k! At least we think we spotted a yacht in the preview.
Episode Yacht Count: 0
Total Yacht Count: 1
"Bachelor in Paradise" airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
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