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The gym locker room is a sacred space for guys to gear up before going into full beast mode, and take a breather post-workout before tackling their day. But then there are days when you hit the locker room and see there’s absolutely zero space on the benches or floor by your—cool-cool-cool.
You try to figure out your game plan, but it’s more complicated than one of those adult puzzles with 500 tiny pieces. You can’t even see the benches, because they’re stacked with massive duffle bags and everything you would find in one—clothes, tech, and even dirty gym shoes. The floor is gnarly, covered in wet towels and even a pair of used underwear that seems to have lost its way like Nemo in a sea of terry cloth.
Other gym goers try to work around it, bending their bodies in origami-like shapes or seeking refuge by the sinks. As you ponder what to do, you realize most of the gear isn’t from an army of gym junkies; it’s a handful of guys just putting their sh*t everywhere without a care.
This is Gear Spreading.
The gym locker room is not your personal bathroom, but those that gear spread seem to forget this. If you’re taking more space than the perimeter of your locker, is that fair to your neighbors? If your dirty gear takes a prime spot on the bench, are you going to wipe it down with sanitary wipes for others that would like to take a seat? Where is the love, ya’ll? If you’re at the gym and kicking ass with a great workout, walking into a locker room gear spreading situation is the biggest buzz kill.
The Men’s Health team recently tried to wrap our heads around the confusing and infuriating issue of gear spreading.
“It is truly the HEIGHT of rudeness to take up anything more than half the bench,” said Deputy Digital Editor Jordyn Taylor.
“You should only take up the amount of space that your person takes up,” said Associate Fitness Editor Brett Williams. “So like, if you sit down on a bench, move your gear to the floor.”
Listen, one could argue that everyone has their own reason for gear spreading, but if you’ve had a gym membership for more than six months and visited the space at different times throughout the day, you’ve probably seen every variation of gear spreading. But if we had to trace the origin of the epidemic, it would lead back to these five types of gear spreaders.
Meet the 5 Gear Spreaders You’ll Face in the Gym Locker Room
Relatively neat with his approach to overtaking the locker room space, this particular kind of gear spreader refuses to let his feet or gear touch the locker room floor. He goes from shower slides to carefully (and intentionally) laying down a towel in full length that spreads about two lockers out of his appropriate space. As for his stuff, everything and anything is spaced out on the bench. We’re talking a store-front-worthy display of pre- and post-gym outfits, gadgets and gizmos a plenty, and what one Twitter user described as “a chemistry set for protein [shakes].” If your sneakers can hit the treadmill for a few miles, the tiled floor won’t hurt them—we promise.
This early bird gear spreader only appears in the morning hours before his 9-to-5 office job. He’s a Lester Burnham-type character, slowly getting ready in an apathetic state of zero f*$ks given for what is sure to be an infuriating day. His suit, tie, shirt, watch, etc. all get a solid spot on the locker room bench and he’s most likely ready to snap at any point until he is soothed by a post-workout, pre-work açaí bowl. Approach this gear spreader with caution.
This is the most happy-go-lucky gear spreader just living his best life, in his own world high on endorphins with low self-awareness. He’s that dude who sings in the gym showers like no one’s listening (thank you for the Wham! rendition, but can you go-go?) and dances on down to his locker, spreading his belongings as far as humanly possible. Seriously dude, how did your smelly socks travel five lockers deep? The gear spreader that spends the most amount of time hogging up the mirrors to get ready, he could be trying to bring sexy back, but that’s just not how to act. This gear spreader means no harm, he’s just on another level.
There’s always the one guy who feels less-than-comfortable in a gym locker room. Maybe he has some high school trauma to work through, or just feels intimidated by the swole bros in the space. Either way, this gear spreader creates a protective nest of gear to put some separation between him and the other gym go-ers. Gym bag, sneakers, clothes, and just about anything else create a semi-circle around his locker space on the bench, making it impossible for anyone to come close. When he’s done and ready to make a speedy exit, a pile of towels is left behind as the only evidence that the uneasy man was once there.
The is the worst gear spreader of them all. This gear spreader is that larger-than-life loud mouth guy at the gym that has everyone eye rolling, sometimes small in stature, trying too hard to exert a hypermasculine facade and dominating the bench space in the process. Men’s Health Executive Editor Ben Court compared this behavior to the Silver Back gorilla, establishing his turf, but some could say he’s just an insecure bro trying to find some acceptance among the buff set. After he’s done interrupting your workout asking how much you bench, trying to brag to on-duty trainers, and generally striking up any conversation to avoid putting in the work, he hits the locker room to test the limits of gear spreading. Be careful with this one, because it’s just not worth the battle.
Truthfully, beyond the five types of gear spreading guys we pointed out, we’ve all had our moments when we accidentally spread out of bounds. It happens and it doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just means you’re being messy.
How to Confront a Gear Spreader
There’s no right answer to this. The best thing you can do is check yourself for gear spreading and set the example for others to follow.
“I may be a closet gear spreader,” admitted Fitness Director Ebenezer Samuel. “I’ve never confronted one, because I am one. But I am conscious of it and I make a point to try to move stuff when it might be in people’s way.”
“I think people are generally aware of their own messiness,” adds Editorial Assistant Josh St. Clair. “The best strategy is just to not make a big deal out of it and they won’t get defensive [when you confront them].”
If we all make the effort to keep our gear to our locker space, there’s nothing to confront and harmony prevails in the locker room. Peace at last, my friends, peace at last.
Here’s Some Helpful Items to Organize Your Stuff to Prevent Gear Spreading
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