‘I ate vegan Christmas turkey joints but they tasted like a Ford Escort exhaust’

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    A few weeks ago, I reported on how the traditional Christmas dinner centrepiece of a giant Turkey is under threat this year due to rising prices.

    An avian influenza outbreak has seen the government demand that all captive birds and poultry be kept indoors – regardless of whether or not it is a pet or farm animal.

    This led to some experts in the food world claiming that meat-lovers may well be forced to have a vegan Christmas in 2022 instead.

    READ MORE: Christmas chaos as turkey lovers forced to 'go vegan' due to skyrocketing prices

    Chef and food expert Amanda Bootes told the Daily Star: "Many people could potentially go vegan this year as it is a much cheaper option now that turkey prices have skyrocketed.”

    So with that in mind, I trekked to a nearby Tesco and found one of it its key vegan roast alternatives to try – thankfully, it was in the discounted yellow sticker fridge…or as I like to call it, the “s**t shelf”.

    The Plant Chef “No-Chicken Roast with Gravy” is described as being “seasoned wheat and pea protein” with a “gravy sachet and a garlic and herb melt”.

    It normally costs between £3.50 and £4.

    I paid around £1.75 for it – yes, I used my own money, nobody gifted this experience to me.

    Basically, upon opening, you realise its just a slab of what one can only describe “mystery stuff”.

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    Michelin star stuff it is not.

    However, as the saying goes, looks can be deceiving, so on we plod.

    The instructions for making this odd lump of “protein” edible are simple – pan fry, then oven bake.

    The first part took all of 30 seconds, and left a weird substance flailing about in the pan one “sealed”, although what you're sealing when it's not actual meat is anybody's guess.

    Then into the oven it goes.

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    I like to think of myself as being pretty decent in the kitchen, so placed the grey lump with “sealed” brown sides on a silicone baking matt on a tray.

    Normal humans might want to use greaseproof paper, or go kamikaze and just not use any protection on your tray at all.

    After around 15 minutes in the oven – although I'm not sure why this couldn't have just been microwaved – it was now a slightly browner lump of protein, which then had to have the garlic and herb “melt” plopped on top for the last five minutes.

    Honestly, at this point, if you were thinking of serving this on Christmas Day, you might be better placed just not bothering having anyone round because it looks shameful.

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    Anyway, the “melt”…well, melted, and the lump was now cooked, allegedly.

    But there was still one thing left to cook – the gravy.

    Gravy is NOT a hard concept.

    You can either go over-the-top and roast meat bones in the oven alongside a ton of veg scraps and make something super delicious, or just get a tub of OXO and add water to it.


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    So why then, did this weird dark brown gloop which only needs to be microwaved for around 45 seconds taste like I'd just wrapped my mouth around the car exhaust of a 1970s Ford Escort.

    It was quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I have ever had the misfortune of putting into my mouth – it was just pure bitterness, and Tesco should be ashamed of itself for selling such foulness.

    The roast itself was bland, weirdly-textured and not very pleasant, and I would be ashamed to serve this to anyone on any day, let alone Christmas Day.

    Thankfully, I don't actually celebrate Christmas, and will never have to eat this disgusting insult of a food item ever again – even if I do see it on the s**t shelf again.

    Poor vegans . . .

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