Do you DREAD having sex? Tracey Cox reveals why getting intimate even when you’re not in the mood and fantasising about OTHER men can help rejuvenate your libido
- Sexpert Tracey Cox offers advice for women who dread having sex with partners
- Explained some people will have sex when don’t want too to make partner happy
- This is especially true for those in long-term relationships who are together 24/7
- Suggested couples should change one thing each time to stop sex being boring
Are you one of the many women who DREAD having sex?
It’s the weekend. The kids are off doing their own thing, it’s just the two of you and you know sex is most definitely on the agenda.
Do you eagerly look forward to it and consider it the highlight of your week? Or are you one of the many women who absolutely dread having sex with their partner?
‘If I know he’s likely to want it, I’ll sometimes deliberately pick a fight. I’d rather have a massive row than I would have sex.’
‘I literally grit my teeth when we do it. I don’t think I’m turned on enough and maybe that’s why I don’t like it.’
‘I love my husband but I just don’t fancy him. When we have sex, it feels like I’m sleeping with a sibling.’
Tracey Cox suggested ways that women who dread having sex because they are not attracted to their partners, find it boring or painful can improve their love life (file picture)
‘I’ve never really been into sex. I never understood what all the fuss was about.’
These are the things women tell me when I ask them how they feel about sex.
As a society, we’re obsessed with sex. Porn is everywhere and Instagram is heaving with men and woman trying to look as ‘sexy’ as possible. Women’s magazines and websites are crammed with advice on having better sex and lots of it.
As individuals, the reality is very different. Lots of women lose sexual desire – or never had it.
These are the most common reasons why and some hints on how to deal with it, if it’s happening to you.
I love my partner but I don’t fancy him
‘I absolutely adore my partner. He’s my soulmate, my best friend and the person I talk to about everything. Except this. It’s frustrating and upsetting that I don’t want to have sex with the person I love the most.’
Sexpert Tracey, pictured, said it’s easy for sex to die when couples are together 24/7
It’s ironic that the couples who have the best relationships often have the worst sex. It’s the couples who are best friends, know everything about each other and do everything together that have the hardest time staying sexually attracted to each other.
Why?
Because what we want from love – security, safety, to feel wanted and protected – is the opposite to what lust thrives on which is risk, separation and uncertainty.
Guess which feels nicer to live with? Forced to choose between love and sex, very few people choose sex.
Hang out with the same person 24/7 for years on end and, if you’re having a good time, love grows – and sex dies.
Sadly, we’re not physiologically built to stay in that rip-your-clothes-off beginning bit. Most people in long-term relationships will identify with this reason for dreading sex.
Most of us fall out of lust with our partners way before we fall out of love with them (if indeed we ever do).
Try this to fix it:
Feeling like sex isn’t the only motivation to have it.
In long-term relationships, it’s unrealistic and naïve to think every time you have sex, both of you will want to do it. Sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, you’ll be having sex when you don’t really feel like it.
Why would you? Well, how about because you love your partner, value your relationship and want to make them happy sexually? They should do the same for you.
In my experience, couples who have regular sex say about 20 to 25 per cent of their sex sessions are done to please their partners, rather than themselves. Some therapists say only half of all sex encounters in long-term relationships are mutually satisfying for both partners.
(I hopefully don’t need to clarify that there is a chasm of difference between what I am talking about here and being forced or coerced into having unwanted sex.)
See your partner through other people’s eyes. If someone else wants what you have, it makes us want it more. Knowing other people fancy your partner forces us to see them as other people do: an attractive person rather than good old Jeff who puts the rubbish out.
Some therapists say only half of all sex encounters in long-term relationships are satisfying for both partners. Tracey said sometimes partners should have sex when they don’t feel like it (file picture)
The reason why couples sometimes have the best sex of their lives after the discovery of an affair is because they see their partners through the eyes of the person who stole them.
Get off the sofa. Go out. See other people checking out your partner.
Have fantasies and don’t worry who’s in them. You don’t fancy your partner but you sure as hell do the bartender at your local pub/your boss/the bloke out of Line of Duty?
Your partner can’t mind read. Running a hot fantasy through your head while you’re having sex is a highly effective way to make sex feel more exciting.
Park the guilt. Having sex in your head with someone else is NOT cheating.
It’s boring
‘It’s not that I hate it, I can just think of a million other things I’d rather be doing.’
Blindfolded, most of us could recognise our partners one minute into foreplay because most couples do exactly the same thing, in exactly the same order, for exactly the same amount of time every time they have sex.
Truth is, lots of men are cool with this. Most men orgasm most of the time through partner sex and if sex is happening reasonably regularly, have few complaints.
It’s women who need more variety to stay interested in sex. Our orgasm rate is lower and we get bored with sex earlier in relationships…if the sex is predictable and routine.
Give women interesting, feisty, raunchy sex, however, and it’s a different story.
This helps:
Change one thing, every time you have sex. Where you do it, how you do it, what you’re wearing or listening to, the type of sex you have. You can repeat things, just not in the same order. This is easy to do and works well to boost your level of enjoyment.
Desire isn’t static. What did it for you at the start of your relationship, might send you to sleep now. Our tastes change. You can’t expect to be aroused by the same things throughout your life. Identify what your new turn-ons are.
Tracey also suggested changing one thing every time you have sex to stop it from being boring and said couples should speak honestly to each other about what they like (file picture)
Have an honest conversation about what still works and what doesn’t. Make sure the sex you are having together works for you. Do you want more oral sex and less intercourse? Is their technique the best it could be? Give feedback. Show them how you want things done.
Dare to share. What do you watch or think about when you have sex solo? Is there a ‘thing’ you need that you’re not game to confess to your partner? Test the waters.
Say you had a dream you were both doing that thing and see how they respond. If they look intrigued, it’s not too hard to then say ‘Do you want to try doing it in real life?’.
Agree to not have sex. Some couples, after being together for a long time, decide they’re had their fill of sex and are quite happy not having it again.
Sometimes, they’ll still have solo sex. Sometimes not. Agreeing not to have sex is a lot better for your relationship than pretending neither of you have noticed you haven’t done it in years.
How much sex must I have?
Even if your libido’s have flatlined and you both could think of nothing worse, there are persuasive arguments for forcing yourselves to have some sort of sex on a regular basis.
Sex boosts our immune systems, reduces stress and improves memory. And that’s just the physical benefits.
Regular sex brings pleasure into our lives and increases production of oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, promoting trust, intimacy and bonding.
It makes us feel less depressed and more positive generally, enhancing self-esteem and confidence.
Couples who have regular sex feel more closer to their partner and rate their relationship happiness much higher than couples who don’t.
Having sex also boosts your libido – and reminds you of how good sex feels, if you haven’t had it for a while.
How much sex do you need to have to reap these benefits?
Once a week is the magical number.
Research shows sexual satisfaction doesn’t increase significantly if you have sex more than once a week and weekly sex is enough to enjoy all the physical benefits it brings.
Most couples sex sessions last about 10 to 15 minutes. Are you sure you can’t spare that amount of time to stay connected to your partner?
I just don’t like sex
‘I don’t feel attracted to anyone sexually. I don’t masturbate. I’ve had sex but I’m quite indifferent to it.’
‘It’s just not something I enjoy. Give me a glass of wine and a box set any day. Or a great night out in a restaurant. It’s just not up there on my list of things that I like to do.’
Some women struggle to enjoy sex.
It might be because you were born with a low libido: our desire for sex appears to be inherited.
You might have a history of sexual abuse (it’s estimated one in 14 British adults have experienced some type, as a child) or you might never achieve orgasm (between 10 and 20 per cent of women fall into this category).
Growing up in a strict, religious home where sex is seen as something women suffer through, rather than enjoy, stops us associating sex with pleasure. Others close themselves off to sex if they’re struggling with their sexual orientation.
You might never enjoy sex or have the desire to have it or you might have enjoyed it once but don’t any more. People’s libidos go up and down hugely throughout our lives and the ability to enjoy sex can change at different stages.
If you’re single, not wanting sex is only a problem if you think it is. If you’re in a relationship with someone who enjoys sex, then it is very much an issue.
Try this:
Think about what’s changed if it’s just happened. Lots of women go off sex after having a baby, after a parent dies, if they’re stressed at work or going through menopause.
If you think it’s temporary, it’s usually enough to just reassure your partner there’s nothing wrong and tell them you need a break.
Educate yourself about your sexual response system. Not understanding the mechanics of your body can dramatically affect the pleasure you experience during sex.
Teach yourself how to masturbate. Use a vibrator: vibration is still the most effective, reliable way to stimulate the clitoris and bring you to a climax.
Find the right partner. Match up with someone who has the same interest in sex as you do and there is no problem. A low or no sex drive isn’t a problem if you and your partner don’t mind if you don’t do it.
See a sex therapist. If you’ve experienced some type of sexual trauma, seeing a good counsellor or sex therapist helps immeasurably. You can heal yourself but it’s a lot quicker process doing it with an expert.
It’s painful
‘My husband is too big for me. It hurts when we have sex and it’s put me off completely. Men think women want men with big penises and it’s just not true.’
‘I used to love sex but since menopause, it’s something I avoid. I’ve told my husband he needs to be gentle and it starts out that way but then becomes all about him.’
Boring sex is one thing, painful sex is quite another. Happily, there’s usually a cause and a solution. If there isn’t, have an frank conversation with your partner about what type of sex you can and can’t have going forward.
Research for Vagisil (a vaginal moisturiser) done earlier this year found one in ten women between the age of 40 and 61 didn’t want to have sex because it was painful or uncomfortable.
Insufficient vaginal lubrication is often the culprit, but there are other reasons. Vaginal infections, problems with the cervix, fibroids, endometriosis, cysts on the ovaries, pelvic inflammatory disease, to name just a few.
If you don’t enjoy sex with your partner, this can also make sex feel painful. Arousal is necessary to make penetration feel comfortable.
This helps:
Get checked out by your GP to find out the cause of the pain. You might be referred on to a gynaecologist. If you’re having pain during sex, it’s imperative you see a doctor because it could be indicative of other health issues.
Tell your partner. It sounds obvious but lots of women suffer in silence because they worry their partner will be annoyed or think less of them if they admit sex hurts.
If your partner does think less of you because of it, think long and heard about whether this is the right relationship for you.
Tracey said women should tell their partners if they’re in pain during sex (file picture)
Have more foreplay. Not being aroused is a common cause of pain on penetration. Spend longer on stimulation and make sure your partner uses a technique that you enjoy.
When you’re fully aroused, blood flows to the genitals. This helps with lubrication and also causes the vagina to expand and lengthen, making sex comfortable.
Sex doesn’t have to include penetration. Penis in vagina sex isn’t the only sort – and it’s the least effective method to make women orgasm.
More than 80 per cent of women can’t orgasm by penetration alone. If it hurts, skip it. Have your orgasms through oral sex, using hands or sex toys.
Always use a good quality lube. I vote for silicone because it lasts a long time and doesn’t go sticky.
Try a vaginal moisturiser. Unlike lube, you use this a couple of times a week, regardless of whether you’re having sex or not.
Some women say it’s makes a big difference, others not so much. If you’re post menopausal, estrogen pessaries can make a dramatic difference to vaginal health and lubrication.
Check out Tracey’s website for more advice on sex and love and find Tracey’s product ranges at Lovehoney.
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