We’ve been together for six years and I have a boy of eight from a previous relationship. I’m 29 and my partner is 36. He has two children who live with his ex-wife and she makes contact very difficult.
We were trying for a baby of our own for over three years. We had tests but they reassured us that we were both fit and healthy, and everything was fine. The doctors said we should just try to relax about trying to conceive.
Eventually, I found out I was pregnant and I was thrilled. My partner seemed a bit quiet about it but he’s that sort of guy. The first scan was fine and we discovered we were having a girl, but at 19 weeks I was taken ill in the night.
My partner is a long-distance lorry driver and he wasn’t there. My dad rushed me to hospital while Mum stayed with my son but we lost our little girl.I know my partner feels guilty that he wasn’t there.
He keeps saying it might not have happened if he’d been around for me but I know that’s nonsense. It was just one of those tragic things that happen.
My partner was supportive and caring and I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I didn’t realise how much he was suffering. He’s been angry about everything and snapping at our son lately.
He won’t go out and play football with him like he did, and yet he used to love doing that as they adore each other. He’s causing rows with me too. I said: “What has got into you?” and he replied: “I’m just so sad.”
He’s now admitted he feels guilty because he wasn’t that thrilled with the idea of having what would have been his third child.
He feels partly to blame. How can I help him?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Men often feel they have to be strong and supportive of their partner and family and so bottle up their own feelings when they are hurting inside too. Your partner has the added complication that he had mixed feelings when you got pregnant.
He has probably also been bottling up the pain he feels over rarely seeing his children from his earlier relationship. The great thing is that he has started opening up so you two can talk more openly together. The most important way you can help is just to listen. Let him pour out his feelings. Reassure him it’s OK for men to cry.
Men often find it hard to admit how distressed they are after their partner has a miscarriage but the Miscarriage Association can support you both (miscarriageassociation.org.uk, call 01924 200 799).
Families Need Fathers can help him with those contact issues too (fnf.org.uk, call 0300 0300 363).
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