Dear Coleen
I’ve known my best friend since we were in primary school and we’re now 30. We’ve shared some great times together over the years and even lived together for a while.
However, things have changed over the past few years. At first, I just put up with things, but now it’s getting to me.
Basically, she treats me like an afterthought. She’s never on time to meet me (on occasions she’s even forgotten we’re meeting!) and I’ve been left in bars on my own.
Our friendship just seems one-sided now – I’m always on standby for her, but she never has time for me when I need something or want to talk, and she constantly cancels things I’ve arranged.
And the really annoying thing is that when I’ve mentioned how I feel to her, she’s made me feel stupid and petty.
I don’t want to end the friendship because, despite everything, I still love her as a mate and I want her in my life.
Some of my other friends think she’s treating me really badly and have told me I don’t need her in my life. Only last week, she was at my door crying because of troubles with her latest boyfriend, so I talked to her about it for hours, but haven’t heard from her since. What’s your advice?
Coleen says
I think what’s probably hurting you is that she’s taking a really special friendship for granted.
Because you’ve been mates for so long and you’re always there for her, she thinks she can behave how she likes and you’ll still be there, as loyal and dependable as ever – and you are!
Although you’ve mentioned her lateness and so on in the past, I don’t think she knows how close you are to walking away from the friendship, and that’s what you need to get across to her.
For any friendship to stand the test of time, it has to be a two-way street, where you give and take.
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From your letter, it sounds like you have other close friends who you can confide in, so why not see them more and stop expecting so much of this friend?
If you create some space between you and stop relying on her so much, it’ll take some pressure off you and she might actually miss you and realise how much she values your friendship.
Maybe the more you do of that, the less you’ll depend on this friend.
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