The blow job is the wild west of sex acts. There are no rules, only instincts. For anyone who’s ever wondered how to give a blow job, the literal only certainty is that it begins when you put a penis or any phallic item, like a dildo, in your mouth—beyond that, you can suck, lick, kiss, stroke, grind on, sing to, or, yes, even blow on that member if that’s what you and your partner are into. For those who are less experienced in the art of giving head—and believe me, it’s way more of an art than a science—it may seem like a great BJ is defined by fancy tongue maneuvers and taking it so deep that you full-on gag on the D. But the secret to a great blowie is the secret to great sex of any kind: Talk. It. Out.
Atlanta-based sex coach and founder of Velvet Lips sex education center Marla Renee Stewart, MA, says that if you’re going down on someone with a penis, you should feel empowered to ask them what they like. Do they usually orgasm from BJs? How do they feel about eye contact, or using your hands? Do they want to be able to hear how much you enjoy having them in your mouth?
She says it’s important to cater to your partner’s “seduction style,” something she describes in her book — The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex, co-authored with sex therapist Jess O’Reilly, PhD—as a person’s preferred sexual stimuli.
Is your partner super visual? Are they more tactile? Perhaps they go crazy for certain sounds? Whatever sensations they most respond to, “those are certain needs somebody has with regards to the feedback or the connection that they appreciate,” says Stewart. And playing to those needs will make all the difference when performing oral sex.
But just as your partner has needs, you should feel similarly empowered to share your own. Maybe you’d rather give head on your back while they kneel over you. Maybe cum skeeves you out and you’d prefer them to finish somewhere other than your actual pharynx. Maybe you only like performing oral sex on a peen when said peen is wrapped in a strawberry banana flavored condom. Whatever it is, your needs are just as important as your partner’s, and the experience will be way more enjoyable for the both of you if you’re happy and comfortable throughout.
“You always need to have some sort of enthusiasm” when giving head, Stewart says. “If you don’t want to be there, it’s gonna show, so just don’t do it. It’s important for both parties to know your boundaries.”
OK, so you’ve talked to your partner and learned a bit about their dream BJ. You’ve established your own BJ parameters. Where do you go from here? For more on how to give a blow job that will blow your partner away, here are all the best tips, tricks, and licks, straight from the minds and mouths of fellatio’s foremost experts. Pucker up, because you’re going down. Like, literally.
1. Set the mood.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to bust out some heels and mood lighting every time you give a blow job. But if you feel confident and sexy going into the experience, the overall vibe will just be hotter. To heighten your own enthusiasm, sexologist Goody Howard suggests playing a little background music. “You want to pick a song that makes you feel powerful, beautiful, and desirable,” she says. “And then you want to perform oral sex to the rhythm of the song. You can even hum some of the lyrics into the penis. It also helps you keep a rhythm for your breathing, which helps support gag reflex control.”
2. Again, ask what they like.
Everyone’s different when it comes to sexual preferences, so if you’re unsure what to do, Velvet Co. sexpert Julieta Chiara suggests simply asking.
“What works for one person will not for the other, so getting down to the core is key,” she says. You can ask in a sexy way so that it feels like part of the whole event, instead of just asking for directions. Try something like, “I want to suck your dick. How do you want me to do it?” Watch their eyes light up and their penis jump to attention as they give you a play-by-play of exactly what they like.
That being said, if you’re not vibing with their suggestions or if whatever they’re asking for makes you uncomfy, you can always say no. Stewart says you have to be able to express your needs just as well as you can internalize theirs. And TBH, you never have to give anyone a blow job if it’s not your style. Just be straightforward with your partner about your boundaries.
3. Take some of the pressure out of it.
Deciding to give someone a blow job is a certified Big Deal. But that doesn’t mean you have to take all the fun out of it. Instead of worrying about giving the perfect blow job, just be in the moment. Laugh if something silly happens. Take breaks for sips of water. Make jokes. Ease the tension with some weird dance moves. Remember, this is about connecting and enjoying—not about putting on a Broadway-worthy performance.
4. Be all kinds of vocal.
Moan, groan, ooh, and ahh. Hell, even throw in a gurgling sound if the mood strikes you. The point is, don’t be afraid to make noises or slurpy sounds—it’s not only hot, but the vibrations from your mouth will do wondrous things to their peen.
“Channel your inner porn star,” Howard suggests. “Exaggerated moaning and sucking and slurping gives an amazing sensation to the penis, and the vibration from slurping adds layers to the pleasure for the receiving partner.”
Also, dirty talk is a great way to not only turn up the heat on the situation but give your jaw a rest, explains sex expert Kenneth Play. Stare into your partner’s eyes and say something along the lines of, “you taste so good,” “you feel so good in my mouth,” “can I suck it harder?” Whether or not you actually do suck it harder doesn’t matter, because they’ll instantly be closer to coming.
5. Pillows are your friend.
Your comfort is key! “Don’t be afraid to take breaks,” Stewart says. Do you need a neck pillow? Do you need a different position that’s going to help you do the job better? “Don’t be afraid to say what your needs are in this situation.” Whether you buy a pillow specifically for sex (yes, sex pillows are a thing) or you grab one off of the bed, pillows are one of the most underrated additions to oral. Not only can you put them under your knees if you’re giving a kneeling blow job, but you can use them to prop up your partner’s hips, which takes some of the neck strain off of you and provides new sensations for them and new positions for you to try.
6. Also, yes, using lube is an A+ move.
Why would you need lube when you have a mouthful of spit? Because spit dries up quick and lube makes everything better. Not only will it keep things slippery, but if you give your mouth a break and use your hand, it’ll speed up the process and prevent you from getting lockjaw. Opt for a flavored lube that doesn’t taste like a takeout bag and enjoy the fact that you can suck a dick that tastes like strawberries. The joys of modern sex additives!
7. There is no wrong way to give a blow job.
You should just get that out of your head now because, hi, everyone has different tastes, preferences, likes, and wants, which means it’s going to vary for every person you’re with.
“Different people prefer different techniques, and there’s no way to know about their favorite unless you ask or listen to their reaction,” says clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD, co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide.
8. It’s okay to be intimidated.
If you haven’t logged much face-to-penis time, the thought of shoving one in your mouth might be a touch overwhelming. That’s totally normal. But if you want to experiment with blow jobs and just don’t quite know how to begin, Stewart and Howard both recommend getting in some dress rehearsals before hitting the main stage.
“Take a class or three, get familiar,” Stewart says. Howard runs an oral sex workshop called “LICK!” in Dallas, Texas, which she says is her “fantastic fellatio workshop that teaches how to add toys to performance and even reach orgasm while giving head.” Not in Dallas? Sex educators in most major cities run similar workshops. Give it a Google.
If a workshop isn’t your style, Stewart suggests buying a dildo. “The more you’re familiar with the type of anatomy—even though it might just be a toy as opposed to a penis—it’s important just to have the practice and to be familiar so that you’re not going in there totally clueless.”
And of course (~shameless plug~), you can also check out Cosmo’s very own 4-Week Oral Sex Challenge, where we unpack the do’s and don’ts of giving and getting oral sex down to the nitty gritty. You’ll be a pro by the end, trust.
9. Don’t just stroke your partner’s penis, stroke their ego.
Trust, the mental and emotional build-up to an orgasm is almost as hot as the actual thing. This means that, yes, if you are looking at this blow job as if it’s a chore, your partner will know you’re not into it. “Use this time to focus on catering to your partner,” says clinical sexologist Valon Alford, owner of Vitality Wellness Solutions. “Your endgame is for your partner to feel like their pleasure is the most important thing in the world.”
Similarly, Stewart says oral sex can be a way to communicate admiration between partners. And if it’s something that you really love to do, it’ll show—and it’ll be so appreciated. “It’s important that you’re savoring the moment and not rushing,” she adds.
10. Appeal to alllllll of their senses.
Alford confirms: “Appealing to the five senses (touch, sight, sound, smell, and taste) is a great way to turn on your partner and set the mood.” She suggests something as little as burning a nice aromatherapy candle or wearing that perfume your partner loves. Rub their back or squirt some whipped cream in their mouth while you’re going at it. Get creative to put their senses in overdrive.
A blow job is “not only about the experience itself, but also about the visual aspects, that’s sexy for the receiver,” Stewart says. What kinds of sounds are you making? Add some mmm’s to show how much you’re enjoying the experience. Throw in some dirty talk, or just some dialog and feedback. Check in with other parts of your body—can you rub up against your lover’s body as you’re giving head? “I think all of those things are important as well,” she says.
11. Don’t limit the blow job to the penis only.
There are tonnnns of pleasure spots on the body you can stimulate. One I highly, highly recommend you get familiar with is the perineum—the area between your partner’s scrotum and anus. “It is highly sensitive because it is home to a lot of nerve endings. Giving this area a little attention can intensify pleasure,” says Alford. She recommends using your tongue or index and middle fingers to apply pressure there.
12. Dry mouth is a thing, and it’s fine to admit it and work around it.
Whether you have dry mouth from nerves, allergy or prescription meds, or even just drinking alcohol prior (which can dehydrate you), dry mouth is supes common and you can find a way to deal with it! A little prep never hurt anyone—keep some chewing gum or sour candies by your bedside to help nudge your salivary glands into production, as ob-gyn Wendy Askew, MD, previously told Cosmopolitan.
You can also prep, like, way beforehand too. If you lurve giving head but your dry mouth is cramping your style, invest in some Xylitol-based mouthwashes specifically designed for dry mouth, like Biotene or Smart Mouth Mouthwash. Xylitol mouthwashes (remember, stay away from alcohol-based as it can cause dryness) actually helps stimulate saliva production and retain better moisture in the mouth, according to Dr. Askew.
13. The anecdotal “hack” that going deeper produces more spit might work for some, but you’re literally tricking your brain into going into panic mode in order to do it, so don’t feel any pressure.
Some people choose to make themselves gag to produce more spit. But if gagging freaks you out, that makes actual physiological sense. According to Jarrett Manning, DDS, an Atlanta-based dentist, “The body’s response to deep-throating is similar to that of gagging, which is a defense mechanism preventing swallowing or choking.”
Basically, “when these areas in the back of your throat get triggered in such a way, the stimulation goes from your nerves to your brain’s medulla oblongata, which happens to be located near the other areas of the brain that cause you to get teary eyes and produce excess saliva.” AKA, there’s kind of a medical reason it might work, but you’re legit like, hitting the “PANIC” button in your brain to get there. So you can weigh the pros and cons.
14. Not everyone can orgasm from a blow job.
Stewart emphasizes that not everyone will orgasm from a blow job, and that’s totally fine. While movies, books and TV shows might make it seem like blow jobs are the holy grail and The Ultimate Thing that all penis-owners want 24/7, some people aren’t crazy about them, and others like them (or even love them) but they just don’t lead to orgasms.
If you’re going at it for ages and nothing’s happening, and your partner’s like, “Yeah, I might not finish from this since I rarely can,” do not take it personally. Trust that they know their body better than you can and try to just enjoy the moment without being so goal-oriented, Stewart recommends.
15. You don’t have to do the kneeling-in-front position if you don’t want to.
There’s a time and place for kneeling blow jobs and there’s also a time and place to be like, “Fuck it, I want to be comfortable and keep movement from where I am right now to a minimum.” If you try changing up your position so you sit next to them, not in front of them, you can change the sensation for your partner, show off your ass, and you might find that it just makes things comfier for you on the whole.
16. Go ahead and make it about you too!
Bringing a vibrating toy into things can make giving head even hotter. You can use one hand to hold it while you’re kneeling and sort of sit on it for maximum control.
To cum while you’re going to town on your partner, San Francisco–based sex expert, therapist, and co-founder of the Somatica Method of sex Celeste Hirschman, MA, suggests lying on your back with your partner on their knees. Turn to the right to give them a blowjob while they finger you. For extra pleasure, use a vibrating toy on yourself. Watching one another experience the shared pleasure can be a massive turn-on for both you and your partner.
17. Your partner might be quiet but still be absolutely lovin’ it.
This is a problem among people with penises, many of whom seem to have been told, at some point, to literally never exude enthusiasm in sex. If your partner’s silence is weirding you out, tell them so! Positive feedback is helpful for BJ novices and experts alike.
18. You can def do this in the shower.
Most shower sex is difficult to impossible—the literal black diamond of sex locations. But oral sex is both doable and enjoyable in the shower. Have your partner stand out of the jet stream (so you can be in it) and go to town after you’ve watched them wash their bod.
19. Balls exist and maybe you should incorporate them into this whole thing.
But don’t do it without first asking if your partner is into that. And then follow that question up with, “And how do you like your balls played with?” Because what people who don’t have them don’t know is that apparently, they’re very sensitive! So don’t go yanking away without warning.
Hirschman’s tip for playing with balls: “If you have strong abs, kneel between [your partner’s] legs and use one hand on the shaft and the other to gently pull and caress the balls.”
20. Also, this is a good time to address the butt.
Once again: Ask your partner if they like butt play before you venture into unknown territory. And then if they give you the all-clear, ask again what kind of play they like. If they don’t know, check out some of these beginner anal play tips and work from there. This also tends to speed up blow jobs, which, you know, might be a good thing.
21. Not to be a bummer, but you can get STIs from this.
Which is why wearing condoms during oral is a good idea, especially for new, non-monogamous partners. There are plenty of flavored varieties if the taste of latex isn’t really your thing.
22. Get creative and be playful.
Bring some toys (vibrators feel good on penises, too!) into the mix, or try some flavored lubes. Take a play from Samantha Jones’s book and have them stand in front of a mirror. It can be super hot to watch yourself get it on (why do you think sex tapes are a thing??). Use that over-the-door mirror you’ve had since freshman year of college for dirty purposes and position yourselves in front of it while you go down on your partner.
Hungry? Howard suggests adding some fruit roll ups (yes, you read that right) into your sexy repertoire. Instead of using the whole thing all at once, which could take a while to work your way through, cut that fruity goodness into three sections and wrap one of them around the middle of the shaft. “This will give you an incentive to get more penis in your mouth and you won’t be sucking dick for like, a whole week,” she says.
23. You can speed up the process by adding foreplay.
For some people, blow jobs are foreplay that leads up to other stuff. For others, they’re the main event. Whatever the case may be, you can blow their freakin’ mind and detract minutes from the amount of time their D is in your M by teasing your partner pre–blow job. Get them all worked up by kissing their hips and thighs, then their shaft. Breathe on the tip of their dick, lick it lightly. Flirt with it! Not only does it feel great for them, but it’s fun for you and it can cut down on the amount of time you’re actually sucking and straining your jaw.
24. They’re paying less attention to what your face looks like than you think they are.
Have you ever seen anyone eat a really big popsicle? Like, put their whole dang mouth around it (which, ouch, brain freeze)? It’s not a dainty sight! And that’s okay. When you’re giving a blow job, you’re not supposed to look super composed and photo-ready. Your mouth is on your lover’s genitals. They’re gonna think you look hot no matter what.
25. It isn’t a fancy massage at a spa, and therefore, doesn’t have to be all about them.
Ever heard of something called sensate focus? It’s a sex therapy technique in which you focus on touch and the physical pleasure it brings you, and you can totally use it to ease blow job anxiety or just ~mix it up~ a little. Basically, instead of doing what you think you’re supposed to do to make them feel great, employ blow job techniques that feel fun and exciting to you. Oral sex doesn’t have to be as one-sided as its reputation would imply.
26. A penis isn’t a vagina or a Slip’N Slide and doesn’t just get wet on its own.
I mean, there’s pre-ejaculate, but that’s like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. Don’t be afraid to literally spit on their penis if things get dry. It’s not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably), and trust me, they’ll think it’s hot.
27. You do not have to bow down before their erect penis like it’s royalty.
In movies and TV shows, the only BJ position ever depicted is someone on their knees, bobbing their head back and forth while their partner stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don’t have to invest in knee pads like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It’s comfier!
28. You don’t have to swallow their semen, but you can if you like it.
No shade to the folks who like the taste and feel of cum in their mouth, but for some people, the sensation is icky. That doesn’t mean your partner’s not a total babe and you aren’t mega attracted to them—it just means the two of you should figure out an alternative cum route. Maybe they orgasm on your chest? How about into a tissue or towel? Chat about it with your lover to find a solution that you both think is delicious and sexy.
29. Your hands can pinch-hit when your mouth needs some time on the bench.
Howard would like to remind you that your hands are an incredible BJ asset that can be used at the same time as your mouth, and also in moments when your mouth needs a break. “There are no awards for the best Bluetooth head. You know, hands-free? Use your hands and stroke the penis while performing oral sex,” she says. “Especially when they get ready to cum. You can stroke the penis and angle it away from your mouth and take that time to focus on the testicles.”
Additionally, Stewart says using tools like a hand job sleeve can make it easier for someone with hand issues or arthritis.
30. You’re not going to accidentally bite down on the penis with your teeth and sever it and leave your partner sterile forever.
There are an inordinate number of horror stories about people who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin their partner’s dick with their razor molars or something. This is not—I repeat, not—a regular occurence. Have some awareness of where your teeth are in relation to their penis so that you avoid causing them any pain or discomfort, but don’t let it get to your head (or either one of theirs).
31. Sometimes a penis doesn’t smell good, and that’s okay.
I don’t think anyone expects a hard penis to smell like Chanel perfume or a strawberry Lip Smacker, but some people have a stronger scent than others. Anyone’s crotch area can get sweaty and pungent. If you’re concerned about your partner’s smell or hygiene, kindly suggest a sexy shower together before any mouth-to-genital action.
32. Your tongue is your BJ BFF.
It’s not the strongest muscle in your body for no reason, okay?! Tongues are sexy as hell, and the chances are high that your partner’s going to want to see yours in action as you lick the living daylights outta their phallus. While giving head, play around with tongue shapes: Wide and flat on the shaft and tight and pointy on the tip are two good places to start.
Hirschman suggests licking their shaft while holding eye contact, and tickling your tongue across the shaft as you go up and down.
Also, you can use your tongue to trick them into thinking they’re all the way in your mouth, like magic, if magic were sexier. Just either tuck their penis underneath your tongue or use your tongue to block the back of your throat (this also protects your delicate gag reflexes just in case).
33. A blow job isn’t like a magic button that makes someone cum right now immediately.
Although people do seem to love them, it’s not something that begins and ends in a matter of seconds (usually). These things can be a lot of work, especially if you’re down there for, like, 15 minutes. You can quit whenever you want though—never feel like you’re dropping out of a race early.
34. Porn can actually teach you a lot about blow jobs, like the graphic sex ed you never had in school.
Sex ed should definitely be better in this country, but I really doubt we’ll ever have gym coaches teaching good blow job decorum in front of a bunch of confused teenagers. And that’s probably for the best? Anyway. People don’t tend to f*ck IRL like they do in porn, but sometimes those close-up shots of someone ferociously sucking a D can serve as good little tutorials on how to move your head. Just don’t attempt deep-throating if you’re not very experienced.
Once you’ve gotten your porny techniques down, Hirschman recommends trying to create some suction, kind of like a vacuum, right when you feel the tip of their dick get the hardest. “This creates an extremely powerful orgasm,” she says.
35. Literally no one can deep-throat without gagging.
I vaguely remember some girl in ninth grade telling me that all grown women literally swallow lidocaine or the stuff in those Orajel swabs before giving a blow job so they don’t gag on a dick. Don’t do this! Don’t drink lidocaine! No! If you’re worried about gagging or throwing up on someone you like, the solution is to just not deep-throat a penis.
36. You do not have to give a BJ just to get head in return.
If someone refuses to go down on you because you don’t like giving BJs, or for literally any other reason, they suck (except lol, they don’t suck, hahaha get it?). This is the epitome of thank u, next. There are tons of people out there who are going to love the idea of going down on you, so go find them!
37. Enjoying giving and/or receiving oral sex isn’t an indicator of how good you are in bed, okay?
In fact, it says nothing about you other than that you enjoy and/or don’t enjoy giving and/or receiving oral sex. This one sex act is way overblown (had to, sorry), but it’s just one thing on an endless menu of sexy stuff you can do with another person. Blow jobs can be super hot and build lots of juicy intimacy, but they’re not the end-all-be-all if you don’t want them to be. Trust your gut (and your gag reflex) and you can’t go wrong.
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