Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner almost a year. When I met him he and his wife had split up two months previously. Bit of a worry I guess, but I fell in love fast.
He has two girls, aged three and two, and he has custody of them because his ex isn’t a good mother and she gave up the children willingly.
My partner and I had a baby who is now two months old and I live with him and his two girls. I know their ages mean things will be difficult, but I’m considering leaving because of the stress, despite loving him.
I can’t leave our baby playing on her bouncer or on a rug as his children won’t leave her alone. There have been many times where the baby has almost been hurt by them as they don’t have that awareness yet and won’t listen.
My partner’s only suggestion has been to lock the baby away, so she can learn to crawl without being harassed, but I don’t want to do that.
I know I should I talk to my partner about all of this and I plan to, but I’m scared of the outcome. Are there any solutions, or is the only option to leave? I just don’t know if I can stick it out. I’m worried about my daughter and keeping the family together, but I’m also worried about my sanity.
I take care of the girls most days on my own and they spend the day getting into everything. I’m starting to really resent them and I know that’s not fair.
Coleen says
Wow, what a stressful situation, coping with your partner’s two toddlers as well as a new baby. And when you add to that the fact you’ve been together less than a year, it’s no surprise you’re feeling the strain.
I think a big part of the problem is you both jumped in feet first because you fell in love, without having a plan in place for how it was going to work.
Even couples who have known each other a long time can really struggle when a new baby comes along, readjusting to becoming parents and dealing with the exhaustion.
The bottom line is, you’re not coping and the situation isn’t sustainable, so you must talk to him as soon as possible, explain you’re not coping and you both need to come up with a plan if the relationship is to survive.
You need help with childcare and if he can’t step in because of work, you must find alternatives so you have respite and his girls are happy, too.
That might mean nursery a couple of days a week and maybe his or his ex-wife’s family can help with child care. It shouldn’t only be down to you.
I think you can get through it with careful thought and planning, but you must do it together. You have to be a team and support each other.
Hopefully, once he realises this is a “make or break’’ situation for you, he’ll work with you to find solutions.
Good luck.
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