Q: I suffer from the problem most men want to have, but it isn't an advantage. It seems I'm bigger than most (in length and girth) and it's ended more than a few relationships, with discomfort for her, and dissatisfaction for both. Now in my 40s, I feel like a freak show who'll never be more than a big dick, but never happy. I know sex isn't everything but I feel I'm never going to find anyone who fits.
A: Penis size is one of the main themes in male sexual self-image, and this anxiety lies behind a lot of bawdy humour in popular culture. When celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain died recently, one commentator eulogised him for having "big dick energy". This sparked a social media frenzy of defining just what that is. Apparently it has nothing to do with genitalia, and both men and women can possess it. I find it dated, and lame, to be generating new penis-related colloquialisms, but it seems to equate to "ballsy" or feisty.
Like large breasts, big penises are the stuff of sniggering innuendo, and macho bragging, making it difficult to have a serious conversation about the reality, which is often less erotic, and more problematic. Massive breasts often cause embarrassment, physical discomfort and restricted movement, and a large penis can restrict a man's sex life.
I feel I’m never going to find anyone who fits.
A big penis can be long, wide, or, as in your case, both. With a long penis the man has to control his thrusting to avoid hitting the cervix and causing pain. A thick penis can rub the skin, causing soreness.
There is no physiological reason why the vagina cannot accommodate a large penis especially if the woman is in her 20s and 30s, when she is most elastic.
Penis size is one of the main themes in male sexual self-image.
As gynaecologist Dr Lauren Streicher, author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever says: "In general, most vaginas are able to fit all shapes and sizes of penises. Given appropriate arousal and lubrication, most vaginas can expand to fit whatever size penis."
The trouble is that not all women know, or believe this, and apprehension will prevent many from even trying. Those who do can find it difficult to relax, and if there is some discomfort, they are unwilling to persevere.
Streicher continues, "Sometimes, it can seem like a penis is too big for a woman's vagina. And if that's the case, the important thing is that you need to figure out why it's happening –because it can be solved."
Two factors can contribute to any discomfort. "If a woman is not aroused, it's very possible that a penis may not go in, or if it does, it could hurt or bleed or cause tearing. To fix this problem, be sure [she is] lubricated enough before [penetration, and] engage in some serious foreplay before the main act, or use lubricant to get things going. Always use plenty of personal lubricant, and take things slowly, so that the woman can relax into experiencing desire. When a woman is properly aroused she not only gets wet, her vagina lengthens, making it possible to go deeper.
"Another possibility is that certain medications could be making her vagina a little dehydrated, and she may not even realise it. Many low-dose birth control pills cause vaginal dryness, as well as antihistamines and even cancer treatments, like radiation."
A woman's natural lubrication can decline with the hormonal changes around menopause. The vagina walls can thin, and the vagina can shrink as well, so time, and lubricants are even more essential as a woman ages.
Reassuringly, Streicher concludes: "This is a solvable situation. I have not once seen a patient who hasn't been able to successfully have intercourse after taking the proper steps to fix the problem."
However, while this is positive news for couples that are having difficulties, it does not address the problem of how to get into an intimate relationship with new partners when they are reluctant to even try to have penetrative sex. You would probably benefit from seeing a professional sex therapist in order to get support, learn useful strategies, and address your current fears and insecurities so that you can engage in a relaxed, confident, and positive way with the women you encounter.
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You would probably benefit from seeing a professional sex therapist in order to get support.
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