Surrogates are some of the most selfless people, giving up their bodies, time, and lifestyles to carry a baby for another couple. Many celebrities have used surrogates to welcome their baby — including Chrissy Teigen and John Legend! — and others have asked their friends for help when they couldn’t carry a baby on their own. But sometimes, things get a little messy, and one surrogate on Reddit is shockingly being called a “deadbeat” for not helping take care of her kid. Yes, you read that right!
Surrogate to Two Friends
In the “Am I The A—hole?” subreddit, a woman asked if she was being an a—hole for “not being a parent” to a kid she carried as a surrogate. She explained that she was a surrogate in the past for two friends who “couldn’t have children,” which resulted in a baby named Abby. Unfortunately, the friends’ marriage “fell apart” and one of the dad’s named Sam “fucked off to the other side of the state.”
“That left Abby with her father and I am still near,” she continued. “He has been calling all the time to come hang out with Abby.” At first, I understand where he’s coming from. They are presumably still friends after all, right? But then things got weird.
The surrogate, who carried the baby using an egg donor, explained that she’s felt like she had to step back from their friendship due to the dad’s strange actions.
“I’ve been pulling back from him since it has gotten to much, he called and asked me to pick her up from daycare,” she wrote. “I refused and he went on a whole tirade that I am a deadbeat parent.” Um, what? This man had the audacity to call his sweet friend — who did something so incredibly selfless to allow him to be a dad! — a “deadbeat parent”?! She is definitely not a parent in any way, shape, or form and that is totally uncalled for behavior.
She was clearly in shock, adding that she “laughed it off.” But then her mom weighed in. “My mom has mentioned I have a duty to the kids,” she said. “I think I am going crazy and I’m not a parent even though my family thinks I am and I am a jerk.” How can her own family not see how absurd this whole situation is?
People want the surrogate to get a lawyer. One person commented, “NTA your role as surrogate ends at the hospital door. This is an outrageous way to manipulate you.”
Someone else responded, “I hope OP has all the legal papers stating she’s just a surrogate and will be not be liable for any financial or any such claims.” They added, “Also OP make sure he doesn’t spread any lies which reaches your workplace, family or any mutual contacts to ruin your reputation/ cost you your job. You’re NTA obviously. Stay away from these ‘friends.’”
“Wait, you’re being called a deadbeat but you was the surrogate? You’re not the arsehole at all. Fucking hell,” another person said. “Sugar, that’s not your child. You don’t owe anyone anything more than you’re willing to give. You already did your part by putting yourself through pregnancy and childbirth and giving someone the absolute gift of a child they otherwise couldn’t have and their relationship breakdown doesn’t suddenly make you tap in as a parent or put that responsibility on your shoulders.” Say. It. Louder. For. Those. In. The. Back! A surrogate who fulfills your responsibilities does not make you a deadbeat for having no contact with the baby afterward. In fact, that’s kinda the whole point of surrogacy.
“NTA and you need a lawyer,” someone else agreed.
“NTA and it’s not difficult to see why Sam fucked off to the other side of the state to get away from this guy,” another wrote. “I wonder how much of the parental responsibility he used to push onto Sam (which he’s now trying to push onto you). Him and your mum are absolutely crazy. You already carried the baby for them and now he’s expecting you to raise it. Mindblowing. Just goes to show that no good deed goes unpunished.”
Someone else laid out a helpful blueprint that the surrogate could tell her friend. “I would say to him: X I was a surrogate for your baby. I was merely the vessel to provide you a child. There is a legal contract in place which states this. I am not a deadbeat parent for I am not Abby’s parent. I am sorry your relationship broke down, but I am not and never will be a replacement parent for your child. I did this for you as your friend. I will not confuse Abby by being involved in her life- that is not fair on her.”
They added, “If I wanted a child or to be a parent I would have conceived one myself. Please do not allow Abby to grow up thinking I am her Mummy and I did not want her, as this will cause her lots of issues. You and X wanted Abby; you asked me to be your surrogate so you could have a baby- that is as far as my obligations goes. Your X is the deadbeat parent and you should direct your anger and frustration towards him and not me.”
And if this approach doesn’t work, see the other commenter’s advice about getting a lawyer to protect yourself!
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