Hypothetical question: Would you marry someone who adamantly refuses, with no reason, to let your daughter have a role in your upcoming wedding, even though their children all have major roles in the ceremony? For one Reddit woman, the question is not so hypothetical. In fact, it’s exactly what she’s dealing with at the moment, and she’s taken to the platform’s “Am I The A—hole” forum to ask for unbiased opinions on the situation.
The woman explains, “My fiance ‘Adam’ has 4 kids from his former partners. Twin daughters 4yo, another daughter 7yo and a son 4yo. I have a daughter 5yo. He would treat all kids the same til the wedding planning came.”
She continues, “He picked his son to be the ring bearer and his 3 daughters as flower girls. But had no rule for my daughter. I asked if we could add her in to be a flower girl just like her stepsisters but he refused without giving me an explanation. He just kept it short saying ‘no.’”
This is a definite red flag. If he’s unwilling to involve his soon-to-be stepdaughter in the wedding while involving all of his kids AND unwilling to give a reason as to why or have a mature conversation about it, life after marriage isn’t looking great.
“My daughter heard the girls talking about it and said she wanted to be the flower girl as well and I brought it up with Adam again,” the woman writes. “He told me 3 is enough to be flower girls and that there was no spot left for my daughter. I said we could make them four and add my daughter why not? He said it wouldn’t work for some reason.”
We aren’t understanding why this guy is being so adamant about the number of flower girls either — if he can’t give an actual reason, it seems clear that he just doesn’t want to make space for OP’s daughter in their blended family. The difference between three and four flower girls is not as earth-shattering as he’s making it out to be. Again, major red flag.
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She continues, “I insisted and he suddenly snapped and told me it was not a huge deal for me to be so worked up like this. I said my daughter wishes to be among the flower girls and wear and do what they do and his daughters aren’t somehow superior to mine. He gave me a nasty stare and said ‘ha! So this is what it’s all about!’ then told me I was being ridiculous and quite toxic with this ‘my child, your child’ mentality.”
Okay, so as soon as his partner pressed the issue and wouldn’t accept his bizarre lack of reasoning, he starts gaslighting her?
She goes on to write, “He insisted that he treats all kids the same and that he can’t believe I’d question that over some nonsensical issue as the flower girl. We had a full-blown argument and he said that I was acting immaturely by insisting and making this such a big deal and choosing it as a hill to die on. AITA for choosing this hill to die on or am I being unreasonable?”
OP circled back to add a jaw-dropping piece of information: “Edit. For those who are confused about the age of his twin daughters and son. He got both of his exes pregnant at the same time (take or give few months). He divorced his 1st ex then went on to marry the 2nd ex then later divorced her.”
So he definitely cheated on his first wife and has a great track record of divorce, on top of being blatantly biased toward his own kids while cutting OP’s daughter out of the picture, and has the audacity to gaslight OP into thinking she’s the unreasonable a—hole in the situation? We’re screaming at the woman to run for the hills while she can, just like every Redditor in the replies.
“NTA. Don’t marry this man,” one user wrote, continuing, “The treatment of your daughter will only get worse. Don’t put her in a situation where she will be treated as less than by your future spouse. Your main priority is to protect your daughter.”
Another user chimed in, writing, “The whole getting 2 women pregnant at the same time should’ve been a warning for her in my opinion… OP if you stay with this man and go through with the wedding your daughter will endlessly be put in last place. DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THE WEDDING.”
Speaking from personal experience, another Redditor shared, “I was the daughter in this situation. Stepdad married my mum and there was me and my sister, not his, they had 2 kids. He was awful to the non-bio kids, would leave us out of everything, blamed me for their arguments and repeatedly threatened to kick me out.”
They continued, “My mum stayed with him and at 17 I was removed from the home by social services and they deemed it to be one of the most toxic households they had seen. While living there I was severely depressed and self-harming, my mum knew and never said or done a thing to make his abuse stop. It’s been nearly 10 years and I am no contact with my mum and my psychiatrist is helping me work through everything.”
“OP please leave this man,” the Redditor begged, continuing, “Do better than my mum and put your child first, do not let her grow up wondering why her mum put an abusive man before her and her wellbeing. My mum was my best friend and now I feel nothing towards her.”
Another user replied, “Yeah and listen I see people throwing around gaslighting all over the place but is this not a clear example of it?? He IS treating her daughter different and then claiming it’s her doing it?? Emotional manipulation and trying to warp reality.”
For clarity, one Redditor wrote, “To be exact, he’s done this all in 8 years or so. His oldest is 7, then he’s got three 4 year olds (twins from one ex-wife, and a singleton from the other ex-wife). Both his exes were pregnant at the same time. But yeah, he’s definitely not husband material, and OP should run like her tampon is on fire.”
Another user agreed, writing, “Grab your daughter and run. And then dress up fancy, go to her favorite locality and let her be the flower girl for [the] new chapter in [both of] your lives.”
We’re in wholehearted agreement that the OP should indeed run for the hills, daughter in hand — like her tampon is on fire, as the one Redditor so poetically commented. With this much writing on the wall, a marriage with this man is sure to end in disaster.
Before you go, check out these unbelievable stories about Reddit’s worst dads.
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