Chrissy Teigen wrote a touching essay about her September pregnancy loss on Tuesday, October 27.
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The model, 34, was diagnosed with a partial placenta abruption 20 weeks into her pregnancy, she wrote for Medium. “I had always had placenta problems,” the Utah native explained. “I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment.”
As the Chrissy’s Court star’s bleeding became heavier and heavier, her fluid became “very low.” Tiegen wrote, “[Jack] was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.”
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The Cravings author was told that her baby boy “wouldn’t survive” despite the many blood transfusions — and she may not either. “It was time to say goodbye,” she recalled.
“I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,” she wrote. “Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. … Utter and complete sadness.”
After the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model had an epidural and birthed Jack, she and husband John Legend held the little one to say “private goodbyes.” Teigen wrote, “I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet, and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.”
While the Lip Sync Battle cohost experienced backlash for posting photos from the hospital, she does “not care,” she wrote, explaining, “I lived it, I chose to do it and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Now that Teigen is at home with Legend, 41, and their kids — Luna, 4, and Miles, 2 — she finds herself “randomly crying” and smothering her children “with love.”
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She added, “[Jack’s] ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind. People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”
Teigen and the EGOT winner announced their pregnancy news in August, debuting her baby bump in the singer’s “Wild” music video. The then-pregnant accidentally revealed the sex the following month.
After the couple’s loss, Teigen revealed the name they had chosen, writing via Instagram: “We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever.”
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