“Who’s the real mom?”
I hope you don’t consider the lesbian mom you’re asking this question to a friend. Because she will no longer be your friend after you ask this question. Most often, though, this question comes from a complete stranger and I’m sure what they mean is, “since both parents have uteruses, I’m wondering which one carried your child.” Regardless of what your intentions are or what you’re trying to ask, or even how you phrase it, maybe just don’t. It’s really none of your business who carried our child and using a term like “real mom” places judgment on us and renders one of us somehow the “fake mom.” Not a nice look if you’re just curious and trying to be supportive.
“Which one of you is the dad?”
I know that most families throughout history have had a mom and a dad and it’s difficult to wrap your head around the fact that the mom-dad household is no longer the only model. But it’s not. There can be two moms and no dad. Not only doesn’t there need to be a dad in the picture at all for a family to be complete; it’s never the case that one of the two moms is the dad, or plays the role of dad. Neither my wife nor I am the dad. We’re both moms and that’s enough.
“He looks just like you!”
It’s very common for a child to look like their genetic relatives and one or more parents who have a biological connection. My son looks like me because he came from one of my eggs and people often comment on that. My wife, the one who actually raises our son while I work, is not biologically related to our son (though they have a much closer emotional relationship, and he takes after many of her idiosyncrasies; the nurture part of the equation). She may not admit it, but I know it makes her feel bad to have people constantly acknowledging that I’m the mom just because we have a physical resemblance. I know it bothers me. Also, I’ve seen people say that to parents of adopted kids, which makes it super awkward for everyone. So, find something else to comment on if you must, like how cool our kid’s sneakers are or how squeezable his cheeks are. And leave the resemblance comment in the 1950s where it belongs.
“Whose egg did you use?”
“What does he call you?”
“Who’s the father? Is the father around?”
“Are you the aunt/grandmother/friend?”
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