19 Hilarious Dad Jokes You Absolutely Can't Tell Your Kids

Like dad jokes? Well, the subreddit r/dadjokes/ is full of hilarious groaners, including its share of jokes no dad would dare tell his kids:

1.“Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.”


2.“It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.’You’re still using fowl language.”


3.“My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name’s Steve.”


4.“I’ve just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.”


5.“I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.”


6.“Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!”


7.“What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.”


8.“My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.”


9.“My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.”


10.“I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’ Stupid firemen.”


11.“My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body. I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.”


12.“When two people have sex, its a twosome. When three people have sex, its a threesome. Now I know why people call you handsome.”


13.“My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.”


14.“I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.”


15.“A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a barHe came, he saw, he conquered.”


16.“I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’ She was watching our wedding video again.”


17.“Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…you need to let that mango.”


18.“My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said, ‘Ahh, like making love in a canoe.’ When I asked him if it was that good, his smile faded and he said, ‘No, it’s fucking close to water’ and poured it out.”


19.“My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, ‘How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?’ He winked at me and said, ‘I’m off duty in ten minutes — meet me in the car park.'”


H/T: r/dadjokes/

Source: Read Full Article