As someone who professionally shops for a living, nothing makes my day more than products that make me stop in my tracks and audibly say to myself “Is this real life?!” I pretty much see everything there is to buy on the Internet, so it takes a lot to really shock me. However, I can always count on one cult-favorite retailer to bring the surprise factor to my computer screen. Drum roll, please…And the retailer that always holds that top accolade in the wellness space is none other than the beloved Goop.
Remember the vagina candle? Who are we kidding — it’s still the first thing you probably think about before you go to bed at night (thanks, Gwyneth Paltrow!). There’s no question Goop has perfected the art of curating items that you definitely don’t need, but you most definitely need to know exist.
While some of the tchotchkes offered on Goop’s well-curated website are on the affordable-luxury spectrum and we’re totally down to drop them in our carts, the Gwyneth Paltrow founded brand is notorious for selling items upwards of thousands of dollars (there goes our mortgage payment?). All we can say to that is, we wish we had the dough to drop 15K on a gold dildo without weeping. From laughable to kinda cute, these are the most OMG-worthy products sold on Goop that are making us lose our minds. But in all seriousness, we love ya GP for always thinking outside of the box and keeping a pro shopper on her toes.
You can’t talk about Goop without mentioning a dildo, let alone the most extra one around town. If your standard dildo just isn’t cutting it for you, might we suggest a 14-Karat gold version? Designed to penetrate deeper and hit that G-spot just right, we’re not totally opposed to it if we had the money.
Once we saw the price tag on this sex toy, it would be a disservice not to scream it to the world. P.S., if you want one, it will take 10 days to ship.
Gold Chrona Chandelier Earrings
Even if this was the price of an actual chandelier, I’d immediately crawl into a corner — so you can imagine how these $43,000 chandelier earrings made me feel. Adorned in purple and pink sapphire, plenty of diamonds, and yellow gold, you can’t deny they’re eyecatching, but I’m not sure who can casually drop these in their cart.
Dr. Barbara Sturm Hyaluronic Acid Serum
Goop is known for its fair share of pricey beauty products, so we’re not extremely caught off guard to see a $300 hyaluronic serum, but also, why a $300 serum?! At that price, we’re really crossing our fingers that it will make us 20 forever. It’s made in Germany, sure, but there are so many under $100 hyaluronic serums that do wonders and leave you with plump and moisturized skin.
Hold up, you’re under arrest! Sorry, I couldn’t resist after seeing this completely superfluous bedroom accessory, which is drenched in 24-Karat Gold (because, duh). Retailing for $425, this “escape-proof” mechanism has us chuckling at our desks. In case you were interested, my first reaction to this item: “Cute!”
Galanter & Jones Helios Love Chair
Leave it to Goop to sex up your living room chair. Designed exclusively for the Goop office (obviously), this Helios Love Chair features adjustable, energy-efficient radiant heating for a nice and toasty bottom. Each chair is made to order, so expect it to ship in 10 weeks after you order it.
Glacee Amethyst Water Bottle
OK, I’ve actually tried this one (full disclaimer it was gifted to me) but the crystal’s healing power did not change my life or improve the quality of my water as you might expect it to. Does it look like a piece of fine art? Absolutely. Is it functional and shatterproof? No way. This may or may not be for you, but at least take a glance because it really is gorgeous.
Platine Casserole Dish
We like to call this the definition of gratuitous. Look, I’m all for luxe household items (I don’t think I can part with my Smeg toaster and Great Jones dutch oven), but even the price of all of my small appliances combined don’t cost more than, um, my fridge? Don’t worry, we double and triple checked, and this casserole dish indeed costs $1,220.
HigherDOSE Infrared Sauna Blanket
The hype around getting zen doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon, but we didn’t think it’d go this far. However, if you’re addicted to sweating it out at your gym’s sauna for much-needed stress relief, it acutually would be a smart investment to try out this at-home infrared sauna blanket that’ll cost you $500.
T. Anthony Packing Case
Fancy schmancy suitcases are having a moment — and they’re not going away— but this is kind of a step backward in terms of looks, no? This more classically designed Italian suitcase certainly doesn’t have a price tag that seems reasonable, but it’s “handsome as hell,” so I guess you could justify the $1,700 price tag if you travel constantly.
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