‘I’ve been cheating for years and now I’m buying a house with my lover’

Dear Coleen

I have been cheating on my husband of 30 years with a man 11 years older than me – he is 61 and I’m 50.

I have known him since I was 17 and we had a fling when I was younger. He was married then and has been married to the same woman for over 40 years. We both have grown-up ­children and grandchildren.

For the past three years we have been seeing each other twice a week. His wife actually found out, but we are still seeing each other.

We both denied everything, even though she brought her husband to my house to have a showdown with me. I managed to convince my husband she was just someone who had a grudge against me.

Lately, I’ve taken things a step further by buying a house with the man I’m seeing. This is the second time we’ve attempted it, as the first time his wife found out.

We are supposed to be living together and he is finally going to leave her, as he’s been putting it off for the past two years.

Do you think I’m just trying to relive the past and do you think I am wasting my time? Should I sort my own marriage out?

My husband has been so kind and spent a lot of money on me for holidays, days out, house jobs, a car and other things, so I think he loves me or maybe he doesn’t want to lose his happy home life.

Coleen says

Am I meant to feel sorry for you because you’ve found yourself in this predicament? I feel bad for your other halves. Yes, I do think you should make your marriage a priority – either work on it or end it, but don’t live a lie.

You’ve been cheating on your husband for years while you wait around for this other guy to make his move and end it with his wife.

What I don’t understand is why you didn’t both come clean when his wife found out – surely that was the point to leave and set up home together?

What’s holding you back? Perhaps what you love is the excitement of leading a cloak and dagger life.

If you have any respect for your husband at all, stop this affair and sort your marriage out because he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

As for buying the house with your lover, it doesn’t mean he’ll leave his wife. It might be a way of him having the best of both worlds and carrying on a double life.

Is that what you want?

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems

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