Former Even Stevens star Christy Carlson Romano is opening up about her struggles with depression and alcohol abuse after leaving the Disney Channel series.
“I have never been perfect or pulled together as my reputation or the successes of my young adulthood might suggest,” the actress, 35, wrote in an essay for Teen Vogue published Tuesday, titled “Christy Carlson Romano: My Private Breakdown.”
“I won’t be the last child actor to tell you the pitfalls of early-onset fame,” she wrote in the essay, which goes into detail about her struggle to feel like she fit in after growing up as a child actor. “But if I’ve learned anything from these experiences, it’s that being famous should come second to creating a life that you personally feel fulfilled with.”
Romano said that growing up in the theater and on TV sets, she developed an obsession with wanting a normal childhood, and dreamed about the perfect college experience as her chance to feel normal.
“I worked full days and would go home and be tutored in a different subject every night. The idea of one day having a college life became my greatest fantasy. I would watch teen movies and become intensely jealous of ‘normal’ kids, feeling, at my moodiest, like a misfit.”
But once the Kim Possible star arrived at school, Romano found that it wasn’t as perfect as she’d imagined.
“A tape inside my head softly began to play, telling me I wasn’t good enough in either the normal or entertainment world,” she said. “My personal value was irrelevant until validated by my most recent accomplishment.”
“My heart broke when I realized that I was never going to experience the teen-movie happy ending with a group of friends in a Jeep on their way to the beach,” she said. “I felt like I failed myself, and the tape that had started playing years before now started to play louder, faster, and angrier.”
She also remembered being told that leaving acting after Even Stevens ended would ruin her career.
“In retrospect, it probably did. But in my heart, I was running away from the responsibility of fame and toward a glamorized fantasy of adolescence,” she said.
Romano said that she tried going back to theater after feeling like a misfit in college, but that her loneliness stayed.
“I became a bit harder-edged, binge-drank more at loud nightclubs, and started to accept the transient natures of love, sex, and friendship,” she said. “Growing up, I entertained thousands of families only to feel completely lonely. People were as replaceable as they had deemed me to be. Imposter syndrome had stiff competition against my self-hatred at that point.”
“Then I began to flirt with other methods of self-destruction,” the actress continued. “I tried to scratch my skin with my fingernail because I was too scared to use a knife. I chickened out and honestly felt like I had failed some important race to win the trophy for ‘most tragic, beautiful girl.’”
Romano, who was rewarded growing up with a new collector’s crystal each time she landed a new role, revealed that she was conned by a psychic into spending $40,000 on a “life-changing” crystal.
“I was willing to go to desperate lengths to try to have someone else tell me what my truths were,” she said. “I felt marked, used, and violated so I started to blame myself for everything instead of learning from my past mistakes and growing as a person.”
“I struggled with all of my relationships, alcohol usage, and career path for 10 years before going back to school and re-centering myself,” she said.
But meeting her husband helped turn things around for Romano. She met Brendan Rooney in a screenwriting class, and said that she found in their relationship “a companionship that would take a mallet to the tape that had been screaming in my head all those years.”
The two now share daughters Isabella Victoria, 2, and Sophia Elizabeth, who was born in February.
“All that matters now is my amazing family,” she said. “When I look back I can see that it’s all I ever wanted.”
In addition to her family, Romano said that she now feels like she has more control over her career, and announced a new YouTube show, Christy’s Kitchen Throwback, which premieres on June 27.
Romano concluded her essay with an encouraging word for those aspiring to become entertainers.
“Anyone reading this, or anyone who decides to go into the entertainment business (including my daughters, should that time come), know this: having a clear understanding of your personal value helps to positively shape everything you do. If you don’t, if you aren’t careful, you just might end up getting what everyone else wishes for but wondering what you want yourself.”
If you or someone you know is in need of help, please contact the SAMHSA substance abuse helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.
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