HOW do you stay strong and positive in the face of stage four cancer?
It's a question I'm asked on a daily basis.
The truth is, I don't.
I have moments that are tough, really tough.
Moments when I don't really feel like getting up and facing the world.
This week has been full of those moments. I'm just back from holiday and having to face the real world again.
The one where I have cancer and I can't run away from it anymore – as much as I wish I could.
I'm waiting for yet more scan results after another afternoon of panic attacks in the claustrophobic MRI scanner, followed by another painful wait to decide what happens next.
I'm desperately praying it hasn't spread further.
I watched every facial expression from the radiographers, looking for clues.
MY 3 TIPS TO HELP GET THROUGH THE MENTAL MIND F***
- Talk about it – be honest about how you feel, don’t bottle everything up. I know it can be hard, you don’t want to worry your family and friends, they’re already worried about you. So try speaking to someone completely removed, charities like Mind or your GP are a good bet
- Get moving – research shows that cancer patients who exercise while having treatment are less likely to suffer anxiety and depression. Those happy endorphins are better than any pills.
- Be kind to yourself – it’s OK to feel down and anxious, it’s part of having cancer. It’s normal to experience a whole range of emotions, just know that while one day or moment might feel terrible, the next day might just be better.
The fact they extended my scan can't be a good thing, I convince myself they look sad – I tell myself it was worse than they were expecting.
Yesterday it all got so much, I could have stayed in bed.
My kids were visiting grandparents and I couldn't lift my head off the pillow.
My alarm going off every few minutes couldn't even kick me out of bed, and I convinced myself cancer must be eating away at the cells inside me, to make me that exhausted.
But is it really cancer, or my mind playing tricks again?
Am I spiralling into the negative loops, or is everything I feel real?
But then something happened…one of those moments when you jolt back to life.
You have to fight, literally fight with your own mind to convince yourself that today you are going to survive
A voice inside me was screaming, "you're NOT dead yet".
I got myself up, put on my trainers and went for a 5km run, matching my fastest time ever – for no other reason than to prove I wasn't dying.
My mind felt clearer and I felt less tired.
Now, I hate fighting talk, but I'm going to use it here because the mental battle really is a fight.
It's an internal fight you have to wage, to convince your mind to shut down all those dark thoughts.
You have to fight, literally fight with your own mind to convince yourself that today you are going to survive.
You have to learn to pick yourself up and tell yourself to keep going.
You have to fight to stop the voices in your head telling you bad news is coming.
One in four people will suffer with mental illness at some point in our lives – and that rises to one in three in cancer patients.
It's not really surprising when you see the emotional rollercoaster that comes with cancer.
The weight for some people of desperately trying to live when your body just wants to die, is too much.
The fear of failure that cancer is "beating" you, builds up.
The impact cancer has on relationships, on your daily life, your kids, takes its toll.
You might no longer feel like you, and chances are your body will behave in ways alien to you.
It can wear you down.
Crippling anxiety can keep you awake all night, your mind worrying about what your future holds, if you have a future at all.
I feel the weight of my illness on a daily basis.
Yet somehow, I manage to live. I put my trainers on, exercise, smile and enjoy my life.
I'm not saying all this to gloat, I certainly don't live a carefree life.
But, I'm telling you because I think the mind is perhaps one of the only things we can control when we're facing cancer.
I have a choice.
I can choose to live my most-likely short life crying, curled up in a ball, hiding away from the world.
But it won't change my outcome.
I can't wrap myself in cotton wool and hope the big cancer monster won't find me. Chances are it will.
So, as hard as it is, I tell myself to just get on with living.
I have conversations – pep talks – with myself everyday, telling myself to stop crying and get on with it.
And I keep myself really busy, choosing to be busy living rather than worry about dying.
Here are my top three tips to help you beat the mind f*** that is cancer:
- Talk about it – be honest about how you feel, don't bottle everything up. I know it can be hard, you don't want to worry your family and friends, they're already worried about you. So try speaking to someone completely removed, charities like Mind or your GP are a good bet
- Get moving – research shows that cancer patients who exercise while having treatment are less likely to suffer anxiety and depression. Those happy endorphins are better than any pills.
- Be kind to yourself – it's OK to feel down and anxious, it's part of having cancer. It's normal to experience a whole range of emotions, just know that while one day or moment might feel terrible, the next day might just be better.
With all this in mind, I'm going to go and have another "chat with myself to try and calm my raging "scanxiety" while I wait for results.
It never gets any easier, that's for sure!
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