Jake Gyllenhaal Has Become Everyone's Quarantine Boyfriend

I'm going into week eight of social distancing and isolation in New York, which means there are people who've been in isolation way longer than me and to them I tip my baseball cap that is covering my unwashed hair. While so much of this unprecedented situation has become second nature, there's one aspect of life as I know it that I'm not afraid to admit I'm struggling with: dating.

To online date or not to online date? To schedule a Zoom call with my ex to "catch up" or not to fall down that rabbit hole? These are the questions many people are faced with as they wonder when the next time they'll see a person face-to-face will be.

Enter: Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jake Gyllenhaal has always been here, so it's not really fair to say he's entered the scene mid-pandemic, but he has emerged, somehow, as everybody's quarantine boyfriend. I'm not delusional, I know that famous actor, Jake Gyllenhaal, is not my actual boyfriend. But if you're single — let's face it, even if you're not (sorry to your significant others) — he's filling the boyfriend-sized hole in all of our hearts.

Let's look at the facts.

First of all, we need to talk about his shirtless handstand.

Both physically impressive and aesthetically pleasing, Gyllenhaal, 39, jumped on this trend because of his Spider-Man: Far From Home costar, Tom Holland. That means he's not quite posting an intentional thirst trap (and therefore too arrogant) but he also knows what the people want and he's willing to give it to them.

The shirt he is putting on is made of — you guessed it — boyfriend material.

He is out here trying to figure out how the heck to make some sourdough just like you.

Maybe he's even trying to find your address so he can send you some. Anything is possible. All I'm saying is, if the economy fails and we need to rely on a bartering system, you know Jake would have your back and sell some sourdough.

He’s been serenading us in all his free time.

First, he sang with his Sunday in the Park with George cast mate Annaleigh Ashford for Stephen Sondheim's 90th birthday and it was just heavenly. He's telling us to move on but we will not, sir.

Here he is singing a song specifically about being in love in the midst of a pandemic and he may as well be singing to us.

And even if he isn't, we are going to pretend he is singing to us. And no one can stop us because they can't get within six feet of us due to social distancing. HA!

What will our collective quarantine boyfriend do next, you guys?

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