If there’s ever a time that a person needs the wholehearted support of their family, it’s after losing a loved one. It’s a time of unimaginable pain and grief and that person needs a village to lean on. A village that will sit with them and hold their hand and make them meals and do whatever else they can to support the bereaved. Perhaps most of all, they need a village that respects their boundaries, wishes, and privacy during this incredibly difficult time.
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What they don’t need is a “village” chiming in with unwarranted advice. Or a manipulative “village” that thinks they know best.
A recent post on the “Am I The A—hole” subreddit came from a man who, unfortunately, is surrounded by the latter, a—hole-filled village. “AITA for telling my family I will move and they will never see me or my daughter again if they don’t stop trying to set me up?” he titled his post.
The man who originally posted (the “OP”) shared the devastating news that his wife passed five years ago, shortly after giving birth to their daughter. He must have felt unfathomable pain at the time, and he told Reddit in his now-viral post that he is still riddled with grief. Which makes complete and total sense. What doesn’t make sense, is how his family has reacted.
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Always Hurting
Image Credit: Adobe Stock For the past four years, OP’s family has tried to get him to move on. He can’t, he said.
“You know how amputees get phantom pain in their missing limbs,” he asked. “It’s like that. Except it’s everything that’s missing.”
OP took his daughter to a street festival recently and he said it made his heart ache.
“I went to buy some kettle corn,” he said. “I hate kettle corn. My wife loved it. I was buying something I hate for someone who isn’t there.”
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Unbelievable Cruelty
Image Credit: Adobe Stock OP’s mom decided to take matters into her own hands, doing the “cruelest” thing OP could ever imagine.
“She told my daughter that she should ask for a new mommy for her birthday.”
Is that not the most horrific and manipulative thing you’ve ever heard? To review: This mother used her granddaughter as a pawn to cross a boundary that her grieving son has clearly set.
“I wasn’t polite in dealing with that,” he wrote. “I told her that if she or my sisters ever tried to bring a woman into my life I would leave the city with my daughter and they would never see us again.”
OP is now getting angry calls from his sisters and dad who are apparently offended by the threat but not my the mom’s actions.
“They say that they are only trying to help and that I’m an a—hole for not accepting the inevitable.”
And what did Reddit say?
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Reddit’s Stance
Image Credit: Adobe Stock Reddit is horrified by this family’s actions and stands firmly behind OP. If he decides to pack up and leave, they support that.
“Excuse me, ‘the inevitable?’ So you’re just supposed to ‘get over it’ and be fine? Grief doesn’t work that way…What your family is doing is simply awful…Your grief is your own, and there’s no timetable.”
“OP, your mom and everyone else is EXTREMELY wrong and I think it’s time to cut them off. They have tried to involve your daughter in this, which is absolutely not okay. So sorry for your loss. You grieve the way that feels right TO YOU.”
“Trying to manipulate a 5yo to force OP to ‘get over’ his grief? She’s lucky he’s ‘only’ resorted to threatening to leave.”
“I’m honestly shocked they thought that was okay. That poor child. I wonder how she’s feeling.”
“[Say], ‘It’s not a threat. It’s a promise. If you f*ck around with my family dynamic between me and my daughter, you’ll find out just how serious I am. I am perfectly comfortable cutting off toxic relationships that hinder my mental health and might mess with my daughter’s emotional state. Trust me on this. I am not ready to move on. I might never be. And if you can’t respect that, then I don’t trust you to respect anything about MY family unit and maybe moving away would be best for us. Because frankly, I seem to be the only one actually considering our mental health and not just ‘how it should be/how it should look.’ If you cared a crap about me and my daughter, you’d listen to me. Not try to ‘fix’ something I don’t want you to touch.’”
“Oh HELL no. Ask for a new mommy for her birthday!? Nope. I’m surprised you haven’t already gone no contact after that comment. That’s just horrid. NTA… and I’m sorry for the loss of your wife.”
“They might think they’re trying to do a good thing, but they’re hurting both you and your daughter in the process. You need to try to sit down with them and calmly tell them that bringing up another woman or anything of that nature is crossing a very serious line. Be totally firm and express to them the pain they’re constantly causing you. Make it clear that if they do it again and in any way pressure your daughter to ask for something like a new mommy, then you will cut ties with them. It is non-negotiable. If you ever decide to give another woman a chance in your life, then it’s going to be because YOU want to and not to please your family or anyone else for that matter. Take all the time you need to not find a new wife but to find your happiness and peace. I wish nothing, but the best for both you and your daughter.
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