So if you find someone’s wallet, and you feel like being a Good Samaritan, there’s no point going to the Plod Shop because they won’t be interested.
They say they don’t have the time these days to reunite forgetful people with their umbrellas. But that begs a question.
We know they are no longer walking the beat and we know too they don’t tool up and down the motorways in their jam sandwich patrol cars. So what are they doing exactly?
Solving burglaries? Don’t make me laugh.
Today, 97 per cent are not solved. Many are not investigated at all.
And it’s not like they’re busy nicking people for other stuff.
Only five per cent of sexual offences result in someone being charged, 25 per cent of thefts go unsolved.
And robbery? Well, let me put it this way. If you are off your head on meth and you fall asleep in the chemists you are robbing, you might, if you are very unlucky, end up in court.
But if you set off tonight and did a well-thought-out robbery, while sober and careful, you would definitely get away with it.
The police say this is because the Thin Blue Line is now very thin and very faint and dotted — and the dots are very far apart.
They say that crime is rising and that staff numbers are falling and I’m sure that’s true.
But you only have to look at the case of Koshka Duff to see the real cause of the problem.
Back in 2013, some police officers were attempting to search a gang of youths in London’s Hackney.
But then along came Ms Duff, a lecturer in political philosophy who is extremely proud of her abundant ginger armpit hair.
And she thought that the youths may have been targeted by the police because they were not white.
So in she waded, all froth and nonsense.
She was determined to give one of the youths — who was actually carrying a six-inch knife — legal advice, and because this was turning out to be a nuisance for the officers, she was arrested.
Whereupon she went all limp in an act of “passive resistance”.
All over London, old ladies were being mugged, women were being abused and drugs were being sold to eight year olds but now, instead of dealing with any of that, the police were having to transport this ridiculous Seventies throwback to the station.
Once there, three policemen-women had to strip search her, which meant tying her legs together, cuffing her wrists and taking out her piercings.
And of course, Ms Duff was very upset about all of this.
So the police were forced to conduct an inquiry, taking up more time and using more money, and it was found that the officers involved had done absolutely nothing wrong.
But on and on droned Duff, saying that because her breasts and genitals had been touched — kind of the point of a search in my mind — she found the whole experience very violating.
And she concludes, of course, that she now has post traumatic stress disorder.
But I’m willing to bet it’s not as severe as the stress suffered by people who were the victims of crime that night because the police were busy looking up a lunatic’s front bottom.
Just say hallow bye-bye
EVERY Christmas we are treated to hilarious photographs of a family who spent all their savings on a trip to a “winter wonderland” theme park which turned out to be a deer in some mud and a fat drunk in a worryingly stained Santa Claus outfit.
Well, this week it got better, because we saw some shots of a “scary” Halloween attraction in which visitors were asked to pay to see a skeleton in an old Vauxhall Corsa.
Needless to say, those who turned up were very angry.
But actually, there’s a solution.
Stop paying any attention to Halloween because it’s an American thing and it’s stupid.
If anyone tricks or treats me this year, I shall pour a vat of boiling oil on their heads.
Have they thought this through?
DOCTORS have called for a ban on building schools in pollution hotspots.
Right. I see. So they have to be built in woods and in fields or maybe near waterfalls in the Yorkshire Dales?
Lovely. But how would all the children get to them?
On a unicorn? On a sleigh?
Or in the family diesel?
A muddle and ending
SO, it’s been announced that 17.1million people watched the last episode of Bodyguard.
This is more than watched the other shows in the series and what that means is . . . some people only watched the ending.
Isn’t that a bit like reading a punchline and not bothering with the joke?
Jezza a Joe-ke
JEREMY CORBYN has described former Chilean dictator General Pinochet as the second most evil man of the 20th century, after Hitler.
Really? Because what about Stalin, who murdered 20million people?
Or Mao, who did twice that?
Or in Corbyn’s world, are you allowed to torture and kill and gas and imprison who you like, just so long as you’re a socialist?
Get off the coach
IT’S been said this week that the Chelsea coach who celebrated his team’s last-minute equaliser should not have directed his joy at Manchester United’s manager, Jose Mourinho.
Why not?
This is football. When a player scores, fans of his team are not urged to sit on their hands in case they upset players on the other team.
So why should it be any different for the managers and coaches?
Tuck into duck a la napalm
I STAYED recently in a city called Chongqing, which is known as the furnace of China.
I’ve never felt heat like it. Average daily temperatures of 46 degrees with 80 per cent humidity. It was like trying to breathe in a kettle.
You’d imagine, then, that ice creams would be very popular, but no.
At night, we were given what’s called a hot pot.
And that would be bad enough if it were an actual hot pot, like they have in Lancashire.
But it wasn’t.
Instead you cook the food at your table, which makes you even hotter, and then you put it in your mouth, and then everything explodes.
We’ve all tried the hottest curry on the menu for a laugh, but this is way beyond that.
This was like being Joan of Arc.
For a full 40 minutes afterwards, the chilli assault was so acute, James May simply couldn’t speak.
They were the best 40 minutes of my life.
And I’m delighted to say, I’ve found a place that does it in London.
It’s called Shu Xiangge, and it’s not that cheap, but if you’ve ever wanted to know what a duck’s tongue dipped in napalm would taste like, it’s tremendous.
IT’S been argued that men now routinely watch strong pornography when on a train.
Obviously, I can’t comment on this because I don’t use public transport.
But I can comment on one report that a man tuned into a porn channel the instant his plane landed.
No. He. Didn’t.
He wouldn’t have had wi-fi and you can’t get porn on a phone without it.
I don’t know how I know that.
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