Beloved TV presenter Lorraine Kelly has been ‘shot in the arse’ by a derranged stalker masquerading as a fan while she tried to enjoy a quiet holiday, according to an eyewitness. A young man, who wishes not to be named but resides in Coronation Street told Metro.co.uk: ‘Well first, Gail was convinced she saw Lorraine but we thought no more about it as this kind of thing has happened before in Argos.
‘But sure enough, Lorraine was on holiday there and she just couldn’t help herself – before me and me gran knew it, she were chasing her in a pedalo across the lake. The woman looked terrified and who can blame her?’
But things would only get worse as the iconic morning TV journalist – who recently won two lifetime achievement awards – was brutally assaulted with a bow and arrow by the suspect Gail Rodwell, who spent a lengthy time in prison once accused of the murder of her own husband.
‘Gail’s always been a bit nuts,’ our eye witness said. ‘To illustrate the point, I once threw actual peanuts in her face. To be fair, anyone would be that way after living with a serial killer and being drive in t’canal. Anyway I digress, one of us thought it were a bright idea to arm her with a bow and arrow for a bit of archery.
‘Next thing you know, poor Lorraine has an arrow in the flesh of her arse. She’ll not be able to sit on that sofa for weeks.’
Gail, one of whose neighbours claims to have been attacked twice in the street by her, refused to comment when approached except to correct the eye witness and claim the injury was to Lorraine’s thigh. It is understood that the mitigating circumstances she plans to rely on are the fact she noticed a suspicious tattoo on someone she knows.
Whether or not Lorraine will press charges remains to be seen.
Disclaimer: Thankfully, these events were all the fictional happenings of a Coronation Street episode. Still, we wouldn’t blame Lorraine for having doubts when inviting Corrie cast onto her show in future. Best to search them for arrows first, just in case.
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