Lovers who use ‘we’ to talk about romance are better bets for a long-term relationship as partners who don’t want to commit avoid the word
- Experts in California reviewed 1,400 observations from seven scientific studies
- They found people who don’t want to commit used the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘you’
- Researchers said people are generally unaware of which pronouns they use
If you’re looking for a ‘keeper’ avoid people who can’t refer to your relationship as ‘we’ – they don’t want to settle down
Psychologists found that people who want to avoid becoming attached to someone are less likely to use the pronoun when talking about their relationships.
Experts say people’s attachment style falls into two categories, anxiety and avoidance.
Anxiety reflects how preoccupied a person is and how much they fear losing their partner.
And avoidance reflects the degree to which a partner feels uncomfortable getting close to and depending upon their other half.
If you’re looking for a ‘keeper’ avoid people who can’t refer to your relationship as ‘we’. Psychologists found that people who want to avoid becoming attached to someone are less likely to use the pronoun when talking about their relationships (stock image)
The team from University of California Riverside reviewed 1,400 observations from seven studies and explored adult romantic attachment and their use of pronouns.
They found even when demographics and personality traits were taken into consideration, people with an avoidant attachment style used the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘you’ more than ‘we’, ‘us’ and ‘our’.
Researchers said people are generally unaware of which pronouns they use.
But the experts say the way people unintentionally describe their romantic experiences may offer insights into how they might behave and interact in relationships as well.
Lead author Dr Will Dunlop, an assistant professor of psychology at the university, said: ‘Anxious and avoidant attachment styles capture individual differences in the ways people think, feel, and behave in romantic relationships.
‘Given that those with higher levels of avoidant attachment were found to demonstrate lower levels of we-talk when describing experiences from their romantic lives, considering the use of we words (e.g., us, ours) in the disclosure of previous romantic experiences may offer indication of one’s avoidant tendencies.
‘This is a relatively novel and indirect way of gauging avoidant attachment, as individuals are typically unaware of the pronouns they use.’
The full findings of the study were published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER?
Kale Monk, assistant professor of human development and family science at University of Missouri says on-off relationships are associated with higher rates of abuse, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment.
People in these kinds of relationships should make informed decisions about either staying together once and for all or terminating their relationship.
Here are his top five tips to work out whether it’s the right time to end your relationship –
1. When considering rekindling a relationship that ended or avoiding future breakups, partners should think about the reasons they broke up to determine if there are consistent or persistent issues impacting the relationship.
2. Having explicit conversations about issues that have led to break ups can be helpful, especially if the issues will likely reoccur. If there was ever violence in the relationship, however, or if having a conversation about relationship issues can lead to safety concerns, consider seeking support-services when it is safe to do so.
3. Similar to thinking about the reasons the relationship ended, spend time thinking about the reasons why reconciliation might be an option. Is the reason rooted in commitment and positive feelings, or more about obligations and convenience? The latter reasons are more likely to lead down a path of continual distress.
4. Remember that it is okay to end a toxic relationship. For example, if your relationship is beyond repair, do not feel guilty leaving for your mental or physical well-being.
5. Couples therapy or relationship counselling is not just for partners on the brink of divorce. Even happy dating and married couples can benefit from ‘relationship check-ups’ in order to strengthen the connection between partners and have additional support in approaching relationship transitions.
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