Mother admits postnatal depression made her ‘hope her baby would stop breathing in his sleep’ – after feeling no connection to her ‘alien’ son following an unplanned Caesarean
- Tahnee Knowles, 27, from the Isle of Wight had planned water birth at home
- When son Gus, now 17 months, was born she didn’t feel connection with ‘alien’
- Mother spoke to friends about her postnatal depression after seven months
- Now sees Gus as her ‘best friend’ and is speaking out to help other mothers
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A young mother has revealed that her postnatal depression made her ‘almost hope that her newborn baby had stopped breathing in his sleep.’
Hypnobirthing teacher Tahnee Knowles, 27, had meticulously planned her dream at-home water birth to welcome her son into the world in November 2017.
However she was robbed of the ‘magical moment’ when a complication meant she was admitted to St Mary’s Hospital, in Newport, near her home on the Isle of Wight, for a caesarean section.
As a result Tahnee felt ‘no connection’ when she first held her newborn son, Gus.
The mother-of-one went on to silently battle PND for a few weeks before telling her husband Bernardo Hamester, 35, a Brazilian lawyer, but remained too afraid to seek help for seven months.
Now much stronger and calling Gus, 17 months, her ‘best friend,’ she has decided to speak out, saying: ‘There are so many societal norms around how you should act when you first become a mum, that I felt under pressure to put on a brave face.
Tahnee Knowles, 27, from Newport, Isle of Wight pictured with newborn son Gus, has revealed she hoped her baby would stop breathing in his sleep when her postnatal depression was at is worst
Tahnee, pictured with Gus when she began to feel better, said her son is now her ‘best friend’
The young mother, pictured with her husband Bernardo Hamester, 35, and their son Gus, had planned a water birth at home but ended up being induced at 39 weeks
‘I felt almost angry with my husband for being so besotted with Gus. I didn’t understand why I was the only one to feel the way I did.
‘At first, I wondered if I just had the baby blues – then one night, I was watching him sleep, and suddenly realised I was unsure if he was breathing.
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‘A thought flashed across my mind, that I almost hoped he wasn’t, as that way, things would go back to the way they’d been before I had him.
‘I knew then that something far more severe than baby blues was going on.’
The mother-of-one, pictured with Gus in the Summer of 2018, didn’t get help for seven months and even worried about telling her husband of her feelings
Tahnee, who wants to encourage other women with PND to seek help said she physically had a textbook pregnancy and was even able to exercise.
Mentally though, she found herself on an emotional rollercoaster, which she put down to hormones.
Although planning a water birth at home, when she was 39 weeks in November 2017 Tahnee was pottering around at home and noticed a wet patch on her jeans.
She recalled: ‘I thought it could be my waters breaking, but it was hardly any liquid, so I wasn’t sure.
After Gus was born Tahnee, left at the end of her pregnancy and right with Gus at three days old, said she felt ‘pressure to react in a certain way, so I put on this façade’
‘I called the midwife who came out right away. She tested the fluid and confirmed it was amniotic. She then said that if I hadn’t gone into labour within 24 hours to get to hospital.
‘I struggled to sleep that night. I tried to stay relaxed, but every movement I felt was so exciting.’
The next day, with no signs of labour showing, Tahnee was strongly advised to head to hospital.
She added: ‘I asked the midwife if I’d be able to come back home again, to have the birth I’d planned if I started to progress.
‘She advised I bring a bag, as it was likely I’d need to stay in hospital – and that’s when I knew it wouldn’t be going to plan.
‘At hospital, I was checked over and doctors said they would induce me. That’s when a cloud just came over me. I felt silly, but I was getting really upset.
Tahnee, pictured with Gus when he was one-day old, was discharged a day after giving birth but said that for a good 72 hours she did not want to be around her newborn baby
‘The birth of your first baby is such a huge thing, and none of it was going how I’d dreamed.’
While she was disappointed, Tahnee knew that the most important thing was for Gus to arrive safely, so she agreed to be induced and stay at St Mary’s.
For hours, though, despite also being given syntocinon – a synthetic hormone used to bring on contractions – she did not start to dilate.
And on 23 November, a day after being admitted to hospital, a caesarean was mentioned for the first time.
A natural birth at this point would very likely have involved the use of forceps or ventouse, which neither Tahnee nor Bernardo wanted.
When Gus, pictured with his parents in February 2018, was two weeks old Tahnee said she started to feel real connection but she still had ‘feelings of self doubt about her role as a mum’
Tahnee recalled: ‘A new consultant came on shift and he was just amazing. He sat down beside me on the bed and said how sorry he was that the birth plan I’d worked so meticulously on wasn’t going to happen.
‘It meant so much to hear someone acknowledge that, to me, this birth wasn’t just a medical thing, it was hugely emotional.
‘He explained that we could do a Caesarean and still keep some of the things I’d wanted, like dim lights and music.
‘I could meet my baby within the hour and he could be born into a calm, relaxed environment, rather than me keep waiting for something to happen naturally and exhaust myself.’
WHAT IS POSTNATAL DEPRESSION?
Postnatal depression is a form of the mental-health condition that affects more than one in 10 women in the UK and US within a year of giving birth.
As many men can be affected as women, research suggests.
Many parents feel down, teary and anxious within the first two weeks of having a child, which is often called the ‘baby blues’.
But if symptoms start later or last longer, they may be suffering from postnatal depression.
Postnatal depression is just as serious as others form of the mental-health disorder.
Symptoms include:
- Persistent sadness
- Lack of enjoyment or interest in the wider world
- Fatigue
- Insomnia
- Struggling to bond with your baby
- Withdrawing from others
- Difficulty concentrating and making decisions
- Frightening thoughts, such as hurting your baby
Sufferers should not wait for their symptoms to just go away.
Instead they should recognise that it is not their fault they are depressed and it does not make them a bad parent.
If you or your partner may be suffering, talk to your GP or health visitor.
Treatments can include self-help, such as talking to loved ones, resting when you can and making time to do things you enjoy. Therapy may also be prescribed.
In severe cases where other options have not helped, antidepressants may be recommended. Doctors will prescribe ones that are safe to take while breastfeeding.
Postnatal depression’s cause is unclear, however, it is more common in those with a history of mental-health problems.
Lack of support from loved ones, a poor relationship with the partner and a life-changing event, such as bereavement, can also raise the risk.
Source: NHS
So, at 10am on 23 November little Gus arrived via caesarean section – but as soon as Tahnee held him, she could tell something was wrong.
She continued: ‘I’d asked for immediate skin to skin contact, but as Gus was passed on to me, I felt no connection. It was like he was an alien. He could have been anybody’s baby.
‘Everyone around me was cooing and I felt mounting pressure to react in a certain way, so I put on this façade, but inwardly, I just didn’t want to hold him.’
The following day, Tahnee was discharged – but said that, for a good 72 hours, she did not want to be around her newborn baby.
As the weeks passed, her mood did not lift and she soon realised it was more than just the baby blues.
She explained: ‘I felt as if I had to trick people into thinking I was fine, but deep down, I worried I’d made a huge mistake.
Tahnee, pictured with Gus now, has launched her own pregnancy wellness retreats to try and help other expectant mothers
It wasn’t until a friend asked how she was doing that Tahnee, left on Gus’ first outing and right with her family, spoke openly about how she was coping with becoming a mother
‘When Gus was around two weeks old, I had a moment of real connection with him. He looked up at me one day and I just thought, ‘Oh my god I do love you.’ I cried out of pure relief and felt on top of the world.
‘After that, my bond with Gus continued to grow, but those feelings of self doubt about by new role as a mum soon came back.
‘It continued like that for months. I loved Gus but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mum. I didn’t relate to this new person I’d become.
‘I didn’t dare speak up though, as I felt frightened people would think I was a bad mother. I was struggling to connect with him. For the first few weeks, I didn’t even tell Bernardo, as I was scared of coming under scrutiny.’
Then, around seven months after Gus was born, Tahnee had a lightbulb moment when a friend asked her a question nobody else had – ‘how are you doing mentally.’
The floodgates open, she spoke openly about how she had been struggling, and said that simply saying the words out loud was a huge relief.
Tahnee, pictured, said: ‘I want to break the taboo around postnatal depression and show others that they aren’t bad people for needing help’
It finally gave her the courage to seek help from the birth advisor she had been assigned.
‘I never had antidepressants, as I only spoke out once I was coming out the other side of things, but I would encourage others to get help as soon as they can,’ she said.
‘If this happened to me again, I’d explore avenues like CBT and therapy. It’s such a huge help to talk these things out and get them off our chests.’
Now, keen to use what she has been through to help others, Tahnee has launched her own pregnancy wellness retreats called Bump and Mind.
She has also trained as a hypnobirthing teacher and passes on techniques to her clients, as well as providing them with guided meditation materials to use after they have given birth.
She said: ‘I know how important it is to go into giving birth relaxed, so my retreats are very focused on mindfulness and meditation. They aren’t just for mums – dads are welcome too, and they can be great for really bonding a couple.
‘I can also speak about all the ‘what ifs,’ as birth doesn’t always go to plan.
‘Now, I haven’t suffered in a long time. Gus is my best friend and he’s a dream, but I don’t feel guilty for struggling, which I think is really important.
‘I want to break the taboo around postnatal depression and show others that they aren’t bad people for needing help.’
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