My first ‘best friend’ was a five-year-old girl with freckles who could never quite make it overnight at a sleepover without having to call her mama.
Since then, I’ve called a number of other people my ‘best friend’ and I must say, they haven’t always deserved the title. Now, I like to refer to my favourite people as my best friends because it makes me feel warm in the heart area to do so.
It’s a funny idea, though, the ‘best friend’. Why do we feel the need to rank our friendships? Is there something wrong with us if we don’t have a single best friend as an adult? Should we be trying to recruit as many friends as possible so we can learn to like ourselves?
Let me address some of the most common queries about best friends – just in time for National Best Friend Day.
Is it OK not to have a best friend?
OMFG, yes. Absolutely.
I think a lot of people who don’t have one feel like it’s some sort of personal failing, or an indictment of them as a person.
Whether or not you organise your friendships into a hierarchy of intimacy has no bearing on what kind of person you are, really. You are entirely worthy of love, even if you do not have one friend you hold in higher regard than the rest of them.
Grading personal relationships by importance is a slightly strange thing to do, anyway, if you think about it long enough.
I will simply say this, though: it’s important to have friends. Being vulnerable with people we’re not tied to by marriage or biology is a life-changing, heart-expanding thing. It’s also one of the smartest thing we can do for our mental and physical health.
Find some good people to have in your life, hold them tight, tell them what they mean to you and tend to them like precious houseplants.
There is no real reason to classify some of them as best friends and others as regular friends. It’s not necessary and you needn’t do it, unless – as Marie Kondo would say – it sparks joy to do so. If you like to use the term ‘best friend’ to make it very clear that you think they’re pretty special, do, but it is also entirely, thoroughly fine not to.
Is it better to have several best friends, or a big group of friends?
Mindy Kaling said it best when she said that ‘best friend’ is not a person; it’s a tier.
I would happily count several people as my best friends. I use the term fairly liberally, mostly because I sometimes find the word ‘friend’ on its own to be insufficient. I often wish there was something stronger than that word, because those six little letters strung together can cover so many casual relationships and frankly, I like to be able to convey just how powerfully I adore my closest people.
I am also a huge believer in diversifying our emotional portfolios; investing in several different relationships so that you’re never utterly alone if one person disappears from your life for whatever reason.
It’s good to have multiple perspectives and influences in our lives, so choosing to have a group of friends rather than one single almighty buddy is probably very sensible. I would say, though, that it needn’t be a huge group.
We often make the mistake of measuring our lovability by the size of our friendship groups, rather than the quality of them. You do not need to surround yourself with a spectacular number of friends, unless of course you’re a serious extrovert and you can find the time to maintain lots of friendships.
It’s lovely to have enough people in your life to fill out a guest list for a party or a wedding, but try not to equate the size of your entourage with your worth as a human being. It’s probably best practice to have a little group of close friends and, if you like, a broader group of slightly more tenuous friendships.
I find the old adage to be true: if you can count your true friends on one hand, you’re extremely lucky. If you’d like to refer to those people as your best friends, then by all means, go ahead. It can be quite useful shorthand for ‘these people matter to me’.
What’s so good about having a best friend, anyway?
Well, it’s not compulsory to have one person you adore more fiercely than everyone else, but it is jolly nice to have at least someone you treasure. Maybe a couple, or a handful, if you’re lucky.
The benefits of having at least one very close friend include, but are not limited to, the following: thoughtful advice, personal jokes, television recommendations, company through both joy and misery, solidarity, loyalty, and cuddles, high-fives or light arm-touches (depending on your comfort with physical intimacy).
It also generally means having someone to support you and remind you of who you really are. It means you get to walk around in this world with the knowledge that someone has chosen, over and over, to have you in their life – not motivated by genetics, romantic intentions, sex, greed or ambition.
It’s one of the purest sorts of love there is, the love between best friends. If you choose wisely, they should have your back, protect you at all costs and agree to share your nemeses. They should be your confidants, your companions and your cheerleaders. They should make you feel like the best version of yourself when you’re in their presence.
We all deserve them – and we can call them whatever we like.
About Lean On Me
Kate Leaver is the author of The Friendship Cure and she will be answering common friendship dilemmas in her Metro.co.uk column.
You can follow the discussion on Twitter #LeanOnMe.
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