JANA HOCKING: I told a young girlfriend to keep secret the five-year affair she was having with a married man – here’s why

• Jana Hocking was messaged by a young ‘mistress’ in a five-year affair
• The man had been married for 10 years; she wanted to tell the wife 
• Jana told her to back off, give distance and stop being ‘selfish’
• READ MORE: This is the ‘humiliating’ truth about Australian men

My Instagram DMs are a sordid affair. On any given day you may find an unwanted dick pic, a thirsty dude trying to get my attention or the occasional Andrew-Tate-loving troll reminding me that ‘I’ve hit a wall’ blah blah blah. 

But sometimes I come across something that makes me sit upright, and yesterday that certainly happened.

A woman slid into my DMs with a pressing question. She explained that she had been having an affair with a married man for the past five years and she was thinking of telling his wife.

Alarm bells people, alarm bells!

The text didn’t quite make sense at first. She said: ‘NEED advice. If you were the other woman would you tell the wife, married for 10 years been having an affair for 5, feel like she needs to know.’

Jana Hocking was messaged by a young ‘mistress’ in a five-year affair this week

Now I wanted clarity on the details here, so I said: ‘So you’re the single woman and he’s been married for 10 years but having an affair with you for 5 years?’

She responded: ‘Unfortunately, I don’t want to but it’s getting to a point now ugh.’

As soon as I read it, I knew this woman had one intention – to break this couple up. So, I responded just that ‘No you want to tell her so they break up’.

She messaged straight back saying: ‘We will never be together for other reasons, I guess I gained a moral compass and now it’s eating me. I don’t want to break them up but I guess there is some truth to that.’

What utter BS the first part of that message is! There are two possible things that happened here:

1. He dumped her and she’s now out for vengeance. Or…

2. She’s done sharing him with his wife and wants to drop a bombshell in the hope that he will end up with her.

This woman hadn’t suddenly had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment and decided the wife needed to know. No no. This is a woman out for revenge. The big ol’ hint was when she said ‘I guess there’s some truth in that’

This woman hadn’t suddenly had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment and decided the wife needed to know. No no. This is a woman out for revenge. The big ol’ hint was when she said ‘I guess there’s some truth in that.’

Now I’ve seen this scenario play out many times during my dating life and let me tell your right now that it never ends well for anyone involved.

Oh, the late night calls I’ve taken from friends in tears as they’ve sobbed ‘I really don’t think he’s ever going to leave her’. I always want to scream ‘No sh*t.’ And this is what people forget, sure affairs can seem sexy and secretive at the start but once feelings get involved – which they always do – you’re in for a roller coaster ride of emotions.

From my own experience, the guy just wants a bit of sexy time outside of his marriage, and the reassurance that he’s still attractive to other women. You know, those who aren’t asking him to take out the garbage and help with the kids lunches.

Given the opportunity to sneak away for a nudie good time, and then return to a cosy family life seems the dream. It’s the definition of ‘have your cake and eat it too’. The best of both worlds.

And sure, women will tell themselves at the start that it’s cool ‘I just want to have a bit of fun, and I’ll still date other guys’. Except then they stop dating other guys, or if they do, they start comparing them to Mr Affair and complaining that no one matches up to how wonderful he is.

Why? Because they’ve caught the feels. Which we knew they would. And before you know it, the affair is no longer sexy and secretive, it’s agonising and unfair (and equally as agonising to watch from the sidelines).

Let’s be honest, he’s a bad dude for doing it, you’re kinda a bad woman for getting involved, and sometimes you’ve just got to know when to quit

A few years ago I was presented with the opportunity to have an affair and I’m not going to lie, for a hot second it was pretty darn tempting. (Yes I am human). Except I remembered a story my mum told me in my late teens about woman at work who had spent the last ten years in a relationship with a married man thinking he would eventually leave his wife. 

She said the woman was now in her 40s with nothing to show for it (back then I thought being in your 40s was so old, sigh). No husband, no kids, no white picket fence. She had spent years holding on to the hope they would end up together and ended up with nothing.

That story has always stayed with me, and the thought of wasting my best dating years pining after a guy that was never going to be mine just sounds so grim.

The problem is every woman thinks they will be the exception to the rule. Heck we’ve all heard of someone who has left their partner for someone else. It just doesn’t happen as often as people think it does. In fact, according to the most recent findings only 3-5% of married men who have affairs go on to divorce their wife and marry their mistress.

READ MORE: The insane reason why all of these hot, successful women are still single 

And here’s another thing to consider, if you do happen to be one of those 5%, do you honestly think you will ever trust your partner. The same survey found that 60% of people who get married following an affair end up in divorce.

It seems pretty darn depressing when you think about it. At the very least, it certainly takes the shine out of that cheeky fondle you had with a married colleague at your recent work drinks. Trust me, save your tears and abort mission. That sexy affair you’re considering will only end up in agony. Just like the woman who DM’ed me five years deep into her affair and considering blowing up not only a marriage but possibly her sanity.

I’ll leave you with my final message to her: ‘Yes you would be doing it for selfish reasons. I would just give them total distance.’

Because let’s be honest, he’s a bad dude for doing it, you’re kinda a bad woman for getting involved, and sometimes you’ve just got to know when to quit.

So let’s all avoid dropping bombshells and putting ourselves in gnarly situations and go get the ‘D’ from someone without attachments… like a wife.

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