TIS the season to be jolly, but while some people love the chance to clink glasses, for others it’s fraught with stress and anxiety. And if you’re dreading the office drinks, you’re not alone.
According to a survey by mental health charity Mind, one in four of us feels anxious about social gatherings over Christmas and nearly a fifth have pretended to be sick to get out of a staff party.
The good news is that there are tips and techniques to help survive – even thrive through – the season.
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)trainer and lifestyle coach Ben Grassby explains: “Confidence isn’t a thing you can just walk into a shop and buy.
"Rather, doing things confidently is a learned skill. And what’s more, it’s never too late to learn.”
Here are the expert techniques that will have you rocking around the Christmas tree in no time (or at least feeling less like a festive wallflower).
Flex your confidence pecs
INVENTING a lie to get out of something may be tempting, but in the long run avoidance only makes it worse.
Chloe Brotheridge, hypnotherapist, anxiety expert and author of Brave New Girl: Seven Steps To Confidence, says: “Acting and feeling confident is something that can be built up like a muscle.
"When we say no to a party, we are affirming to ourselves that it’s a dangerous situation. When we say yes even though we may be afraid, then go and don’t die, we learn we can do it.”
So before the first event in your diary, promise yourself you’ll go but leave after an hour. At the next, stay for two hours. For the third, stay for two hours and talk to at least three people.
Perfect your walk-in
SOMETIMES the worst bit is walking into a room full of eyes that you think are all on you. The answer, it turns out, is to work carefully on your approach.
Ben says: “When walking into the room, try to notice the whole room without moving your head too much. Even though you are looking forward, try to notice all the sounds and sensations in your peripheral vision.”
This way, you will avoid the tunnel vision associated with looking at one person or object, which can cause panic. “If you focus on a person’s face, this ‘zooming in’ can often make you feel anxious,” he explains.
Relying too much on your foveal – or tunnel – vision triggers a stress response in the body, whereas using your peripheral vision has the opposite effect.
It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which results in a reduction of muscular tension, slower breathing and a calmer mental state.
Ben’s technique for making it work is this: “As you walk in, try to create an imaginary golden force field that starts at the back of the room, touching both corners of the wall.
"Rather than zooming in on anything, imagine sweeping the magical force field towards you, attracting the whole room into your eyes.”
It’s a bit quirky, but don’t worry, nobody will be able to tell you’re imagining golden force fields in your head!
Power up your pose
RESEARCH by Harvard University, the University of Oregon and the University of Texas has shown powerful leaders have higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol – a combination resulting in increased confidence.
The study also suggests it is possible to manipulate hormone levels through your body language.
Amy Cuddy and her team classified body positions as “high power” or “low power,” and found 15 minutes after holding a high power pose for two minutes, testosterone rose by 20% and cortisol dropped by 25%.
For a boost, try the Wonder Woman – stand tall with your chest out and hands on hips – or The Performer – throw your hands up, open your chest and widen your stance.
Create an anchor
DOES the smell of a hospital or the sound of sleigh bells make you feel a certain way? One may make you feel anxious and one may make you happy.
“In NLP, when an external stimulus automatically creates a feeling in your body, it’s called anchoring,” explains Ben.
“It’s possible to create your own anchor to use as a positive resource. Start by imagining the feeling of confidence.
"Next, close your eyes and remember a time in your life when you’ve felt that confidence.” This could be back at school or last week at work – what’s important is to take yourself back to that time.
“Imagine seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard and feeling how you felt,” says Ben. “While you’re reliving this confident state, press your thumb and finger pad together firmly for a couple of seconds.
"Stop and repeat this process six to 10 times to build an anchor between the emotion of confidence and the feeling in your fingers,” says Ben.
“Then just press your thumb and finger together whenever you need to fire the anchor that will access your confidence.” This is a great, unobtrusive way to give yourself a boost in any social setting.
Follow the 20-sec rule
IF the thought of stilted conversations and awkward silences make your toes curl, there are ways you can become a more confident conversationalist with absolutely anyone.
Luckily for introverted types, this doesn’t mean you need to chat for hours – it’s actually more about working on your listening skills.
Dr Mark Goulston, professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of Just Listen: The Secret To Getting Through To Absolutely Anyone, says that during a conversation we should try to talk for no more than 20 seconds without getting some kind of reply (head nods and raised eyebrows are good, interested, non-verbal cues).
The ideal conversation should be back and forth like a tennis match.
“Unless someone has asked you to go on, you have 20 seconds before the green light in their mind turns to yellow, which is a hint that you need to start wrapping up, and another 20 seconds before it turns to red and you have worn out your welcome,” Mark explains.
Chloe agrees that conversation isn’t just about talking. “Prepare beforehand and think about questions you could ask (as well as answers you might give) to keep the conversation flowing,” she recommends.
“Questions I frequently use are open ones, such as, ‘How do you chill out?’ or ‘What are you doing at the weekend?’”
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