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We’ve copped a lot of crap post-pandemic. From rising interest rates and rents, a cost-of-living crisis, mass burnout and the promise of other crises to come. But we don’t seem to be talking about the most troubling thing to come out of our brush with total annihilation – the resurgence, and subsequent “mainstreamificaiton” of the mangey mullet.
Like most societal collapses, it happened gradually.
I spotted one of those juicy neck warmers out at a restaurant after the first round of COVID lockdowns ended. It was still novel enough, then, that my friend put a photo of it on our group chat with a satirical, “My new boyfriend just arrived!”
What happened next, no one could have seen coming. Instead of climbing back into the monster truck they piled out of, the mullets proliferated. Suddenly, everywhere you look you see business happening up front, and a party growing down back.
Achy Breaky Hair: Billy Ray Cyrus.Credit: Film Magic
Forgive me, having come of age on the mean streets of Canberra in the early 2010s, I am a bit baffled. Back then, the mullet was a sure sign that you were up to no good. It was a statement, much like a full-face tattoo, that announced to anyone in glancing distance that they should give you, and your “Billy-Ray Cyrus”, a wide berth.
So why are these self-described “filthy” buggers now showing up everywhere from the footy field to the boardroom? Is it some kind of elaborate prank? Frankly, I’m stunned by these mullets. They’ve gone from post-lockdown-LOL, to fringe fashion statement, to now showing up at bars where I can’t afford more than one drink.
And it seems exposure therapy has done nothing for me because I – along with most Millennial women who date men – still grimace a little with every glimpse.
I will say that I agree with the suddenly former WA Premier Mark McGowan, when he said, “I think you should be free to have a mullet and go to the pub. I don’t think there should be rules around that.” This was back in the crazy hazy days of 2020, after a mullet-necked teen was refused entry into a Perth watering hole.
I certainly don’t condone discrimination based on appearance. We’re an odd bunch, we humans; we come in all sorts, and you should be free to live your best life, mullet or otherwise. Heck, people like me wear activewear nearly every single day without penalty, so you should be free to flaunt that collar duster whenever and wherever.
I’m simply seeking clarification because this isn’t one of those “I was born this way” kind of deals. What baffles me is, when faced with the choice of mullet or short back and sides, why oh why would you opt for the former? I mean if Bon Jovi couldn’t make it fashionable what hope is there for your average Joe Blow-mullet?
I’m not saying this hairstyle has never had its place. In 2018, a small NSW town called Kurri Kurri founded Mulletfest in celebration of those who choose the mullet “as a lifestyle, not a hairstyle”, with categories including “Everyday”, “Ranga” and “Grubby”. And with this, I am entirely on board.
The joy of the mullet lives in its absurdity, not its ubiquity. Collectively, we’ve all made some pretty big fashion faux pas – jeans under skirts and, even worse, fishnets under ripped jeans … It’s never too late to admit when we’ve strayed down the wrong path. But there are certain things that simply shouldn’t meander their way back into the mainstream.
The good news is that the course correction is simple and low cost – just a quick snip from a sharp pair of scissors, and you’re back on track with no track down your back.
So, to the intransigent mullet enthusiasts out there, of which I’ll concede there are many: we might not understand each other, but I hope you can forgive my aversion as I learn to accept what you’ve done with your deserved haircut liberty. I know we can peacefully learn to coexist. If you could maybe just sometimes tuck that thing into your collar for me, that would be perfect. Thanks.
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