I do not mind caring for them in such an intense way (at least not most of the time). There are days when motherhood buries me, when it weighs me down physically and mentally and emotionally. I try my best to remind myself how precious and fleeting this time is, and I am aware of how deeply I will long for this closeness when it is no longer demanded or even offered.
However, when I saw my husband come out of his vasectomy appointment, I was shocked to find my panic turning to an overwhelming sense of relief. I looked in the back of our car where our three children were seated, and found an even deeper comfort in knowing that this was it. These were my people, and now I knew in no uncertain terms how my love and attention needed to be divided. I realized that for the first time, I was able to allow myself into that equation. With no hypothetical babies in my future, I was allowed to turn my focus inward for the first time and allow some space for myself.
I am still sad that all my babies will grow up and there will be no new sibling to take their place in my arms. Every last “first” is hard to stomach as I move further away from the baby stage. But each step forward means I am also allowed a clearer view of who I am and of who I want to be outside motherhood.
I get to be me and discover myself — to plan a future that doesn’t hinge on dirty diapers and the conundrum of child care. Being able to cultivate my sense of self is a gift I didn’t expect, and it’s the thing I love most about not having any more babies.
A version of this story was originally published in October 2016.
These celeb moms of only one child called it quits on kid-having for all sorts of reasons. Here, they share their stories.
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