Kristoff St. John‘s fiancée Kseniya Mikhaleva is still processing her loss.
Days following the Young & the Restless star’s shocking death on Sunday, Mikhaleva opened up about the heartbreak she’s experiencing as she mourns St. John.
On Wednesday, the Russian-born model posted a photo of black tears coming out of a woman’s eye alongside a heart-wrenching short poem.
In overlying text, she shared the words, “My hands they shake with sorrow, My heart it bleeds with pain, My soul forever lingers, Wishing you could have stayed.”
In September 2018, St. John announced that Mikhaleva “said yes” to his marriage proposal and published a series of images showing off her dazzling square-cut diamond engagement ring.
Earlier this week, the coroner’s office told PEOPLE that St. John was found dead at a home in Woodland Hills.
According to the Los Angeles Police Department, a death investigation took place for a possible alcohol overdose. TMZ reported that the actor’s body was found after one of his friends went to check on him at his home.
St. John’s autopsy was completed Monday, though a cause of death has been deferred pending additional results.
St. John’s death came four years after his son Julian died by suicide by suicide at age 24. On Jan. 21, St. John retweeted someone’s post about losing a child that reads, “Grieving the loss of a child is a process. It begins on the day your child passes, and ends the day the parent joins them.”
“Never a truer word was spoke,” tweeted St. John, who is survived by Mikhaleva, daughter Paris (with Julian’s mother Mia), and daughter Lola (with ex-wife Allana Nadal). “Thanks for posting this.”
While St. John’s death came as a shock, his fellow Young & the Restless costar Shemar Moore hopes the love he had for his children and family members will transcend the sadness.
“This is not how he’s going to be remembered in his last days. He’s going to be remembered for his journey, for how much he loved his children — Paris, Lola, and Julian, his son who had a hard time and took his life. And Kristoff, he weathered that storm and he loved me and he loved Allana and his current fiancée, I don’t know her name — I never met her — but I was just excited him to see him in love again, just in love, somebody to share his heart with,” he told PEOPLE.
After news of St. John’s death broke, Mikhaleva posted and then deleted an Instagram tribute mourning the loss of her late husband-to-be.
“How did it happen ??? How ??? Why did you leave so early ???? and left me alone ….. I can’t believe ????” she captioned a photo of St. John, who played Neil Winters on the long-running CBS soap, kissing her forehead.
“You were everything to me …. you were a loving father, a loving man,…..how ??????????? love??” she wrote. “We should doing a lot of things in future……”
She also wrote in two Instagram Stories: “So early…..so early,” with a crying face emoji and a red heart, and, “Why you are leave so early????Why…..you are always in my heart,” with a broken heart emoji.
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