Disclaimer: This author is a Grinch in human guise. I would rather clip Italian greyhound toenails and do laundry full of stinking soccer uniforms 24-7 than come up with charming, imaginative tableaux every day for Christmas’ latest consumer “must”: the holiday’s now-omnipresent Elf on the Shelf.
Before you stab me in the eye with jabby little ornament hangers, hear me out: There were no Elves on Shelves or anywhere else when I was growing up. And we were all fine. Santa didn’t need a complicated espionage ring of creepy stalker elves to know when I was sleeping or awake, people. (Oh, hush. You say, “Scout Elf”; I say, “Stalker Elf.” Semantics.) Anyway, back in my day, Santa did his own damn scouting/stalking from the North Pole using his magical crystal snow globe or whatever. That’s all the stalking I need from the holiday that brought us “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
But hey, creepy or nay, millions of people have embraced the Elf on the Shelf phenomenon — including tons of celebrity parents. So without further ado, we present to you celebrities who are completely slaying (or formerly slayed when their kids were younger) the Elf on the Shelf routine.
Busy Philipps’ elves made slime
They also made a rope ladder — Busy is clearly not busy enough
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s elves once TP’ed her tree
Kourtney Kardashian’s elves were pool hustlers
In a Christmas miracle, Victoria Beckham’s elf became a real girl & modeled her clothing line
OK, fine, I just threw that in to see if you were paying attention.
Tori Spelling’s elves were into potty humor
Alyssa Milano’s elves auditioned for an action movie
Kim Kardashian West’s elf met a cruel fate
But my favorite might just be Kim Kardashian West’s poor elf, whose magic was tragically destroyed by a single poke from Saint West, age 3. His older sister, North, 5, made a quaint gravesite for the fallen spy, er, scout.
North West is my kind of girl. That’s all I’m going to say.
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