The ‘silent treatment’ DOES work! Avoiding a partner’s demands could stabilise your relationship (but only if you’re a low earner – wealthy spouses expect you to do as they say)
- Silent treatment, AKA ‘demand-withdraw’ , has been documented since 1930s
- Prior analysis focused almost exclusively on experience of middle class couples
- New data from California University in Los Angeles showed an earning disparity
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Giving your partner the ‘silent treatment’ could keep a relationship going, according to new research.
A survey of US couples suggests the so-called cold shoulder may work as a manipulation tactic – depending on how much you earn.
Experts at California University in Los Angeles say ignoring a spouse’s demands is likely to be the best policy for those on a lower income.
But, conversely, it backfires among those on higher salaries.
This is because spouses who earn more have higher expectations that their partner will bend to their demands, say researchers.
Giving your partner the ‘silent treatment’ could keep a relationship going, according to new research – but experts believe it’s all dependent on a couple’s earning power
Lead author of the study Jaclyn Ross, of California University in Los Angeles, explained: ‘Consider this example.
‘A wife requests her husband ask for a raise at work. For a husband in a low-wage job with less job security, that is a risky proposition.
‘By showing reluctance to ask for the raise, he can preserve his self-esteem and lessen emphasis on the couple’s vulnerable financial situation.
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‘For a wealthier couple in the same situation, the wife may perceive the husband is unwilling to make a sacrifice for his family and that can cause friction in the relationship.’
Dubbed ‘demand-withdraw’ behaviour, it has been documented by clinicians since the 1930s – but only recently researched.
It’s been found to be one of the most frequently used responses to conflict in romances – and a major cause of divorce.
But the US team say the classic ‘relationship stalemate’ when a partner shuts down at being asked to do something is much more complicated than previously believed.
Ignoring a spouse’s demands is likely to be the best policy – for those on a lower income. The controversial tactic backfires among those on higher salaries however, say psychologists
Graduate student Ms Ross and colleagues said previous studies on the phenomenon have focused almost exclusively on middle-class couples.
They came up with conflicting results suggesting the common behaviour could be harmful – or helpful.
So the latest research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology included more racially and ethnically diverse participants – and analysed their socioeconomic status.
It found dishing out the silent treatment helped relationships stay stable for couples with fewer financial resources – and decline for those who were more affluent.
Interestingly, relationship satisfaction dropped for lower-income couples when the picked on spouse did not ‘exhibit strong withdrawal behaviours,’ said Ms Ross.
Co-author Professor Thomas Bradbury said: ‘Even though it’s easier for wealthier couples to access resources to address their relationship problems, it can also create higher expectations that partners will make accommodations for one another’s demands and needs that underlie their problems.
‘But if those expectations are not met, rifts can occur in the relationship and exacerbate the existing problems.’
As in earlier studies it focused on the wife giving the demand – and the husband being the one to withdraw.
Examples of the behaviour included the wives being hostile, dominating, threatening or blaming – while their husbands avoided the confrontation.
His-n-hers: Examples of the behaviour included the wives being hostile, dominating, threatening or blaming – while their husbands avoided the confrontation (stock image)
The researchers conducted two experiments, the first of which followed 515 couples with at least one child, or with one on-the-way, for 18 months.
Four-in-ten were at or below the federal poverty line in California – around $24,300 (£18,500) per year for a family of four.
They were visited in their homes and asked to engage in a series of discussions about something each partner wanted to change about themselves – as well as a topic of disagreement.
The second experiment recruited 414 newlywed couples who were asked to do the same. They were seen four times over 27 months.
Again the disadvantaged volunteers experienced more dissatisfaction when the husbands displayed lower withdrawal in the face of the wives’ demands.
But it was not as robust this time – possibly because they had only just got hitched whereas the others had been married for an average of five years, said Ms Ross.
She said the study highlights the importance of using diverse samples in research on couples because results can vary based on differing life circumstances.
The results could benefit counsellors who work with couples in therapy and policymakers focused on marriage and family.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The science of love is somewhat of a mystery to many, but scientists have attempted to scientifically define the phenomena.
Many studies from various different institutions has found that there are certain neurological and biochemical clues that come with falling in love.
Numerous brain regions, particularly those associated with reward and motivation, are activated by the thought or presence of a romantic partner.
These include the hippocampus, hypothalamus, and anterior cingulated cortex regions of the brain.
It is thought that by firing up these areas of the brain, it can help to lower a person’s walls.
These areas, when activated, serve to inhibit defensive behaviour, reduce anxiety and increase trust in a new romantic partner.
Biochemical responses to love include oxytocin and vasopressin which are produced by the hypothalamus and released by the pituaitary gland.
This gland is associated with many chemicals which have a range of functions in the human body.
These chemicals serve to increase the most intense stages of love.
They can also stimulate the release of dopamine in the brain, a chemical associated with happiness.
Ms Ross said: ‘Life circumstances may matter for relationships far more than we think – so much so that these circumstances appear to moderate the effects of communication on how happy we are in our partnerships.
‘Creating safe and secure environments helps to allow partners to relate well to each other and to their children, giving more people the kinds of relationships and families that will keep them healthy and happy.’
The silent treatment is the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship. And it can do tremendous damage.
Previous research has suggested people who resort to it are more prone to anxiety and aggression.
This could also lead to psychological issues that ultimately develop into physical ones such as urinary, bowel and erectile dysfunction.
One study based on more than 14,000 participants found the damage remained the same whether it was the male who was being silent – or the female.
Psychologists call it the demand-withdraw pattern which happens when one partner makes constant requests of the other and is met with frequent repudiation.
Typically, the way the refusing partner expresses their denial is by ignoring their partner – which is of course what is known as the silent treatment.
Interestingly, women are more likely than men to be the demanders when it comes to the silent treatment.
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