They also have to include a bar that is bang on the beach (with cold beer on tap, obviously).
That beach bar also has to have a beach volleyball court right next to it.
A jaw-dropping waterfall just around the corner is nice too.
The Mark Warner San Lucianu Beach Resort in Corsica ticks all of my strangely specific boxes.
Perfect for families, beach lovers and water sports enthusiasts, it’s also a solid option for tennis and road cycling fans.
A 30-minute transfer from Bastia airport, this 3* resort, set within beautiful gardens, enjoys picturesque mountain backdrops to the west and sea views to the east, with the island of Montecristo appearing in the distance one minute, then vanishing the next.
The resort offers award-winning childcare services, so I signed both my 13-year-old son and ten-year-old daughter into the Kidz Club (ten to 13 years).
Neither opted to go to the welcome meeting. Great! So, day one and it was father-and-son sailing time. At the beach shack, we were about to sign out a 16ft RS Catamaran.
Then my boy spotted a group of Kidz Club members swaggering towards their hut, the laughter in full flow.
“Dad,” he said, “Would you mind if I joined the club?”
Two minutes later, he had signed in — and was gone for the rest of the week.
So day one, an hour later, and it was father-and-daughter sailing time . . . and I got myself my crew for the week.
By day three, I had a daughter who could confidently take any of the smaller boats out on to the water herself, with me sailing an identical boat by her side (when I could keep up). Full board at the club means no one goes hungry for a second. Favourite dishes included the salmon in breadcrumbs and the camembert and honey pizza. Yep, camembert and honey — amazing, but it can’t be good for you!
If you’re not a sailor, windsurfer, cyclist or tennis player, there is another way to work off all that food — the daily activity options. Morning runs, swims, yoga, Zumba (don’t ask me what that is), water aerobics, badminton — the list goes on, and you can do as little or as much as you like.
If none of that works for you, try the spa. My wife and daughter enjoyed a massage midweek and were then keen to work their way through the full list of treatments.
While there is no need to leave the site, many do, with cyclists hitting the mountain roads and doing their best to avoid the wandering cows and sheep.
Cycle routes are adapted to suit beginners, intermediates and advanced Team Sky wannabes.
Then relatively nearby are the beautiful towns of Bastia and Calvi, car hire being very easy to arrange. If you wanted a longer drive, Ajaccio, on the west coast — Napoleon’s home town — is another option.
Our off-site adventure was that waterfall, a 40-minute walk through country lanes sprinkled with sheep droppings, past kiwifruit plantations, the local football club and lemon and lime groves.
Eventually you reach the rustic Cascade Cafe, a chalked hand-drawn arrow pointing you on to a dust track heading toward distant mountains and the sound of water.
As the walk turned to a gentle climb, the noise of water rose and the lush greenery created a curtain that hid what we could hear in front of us.
Finally that curtain was drawn and we were presented with our full “Tarzan meets Indiana Jones” moment.
After a scramble up the final few boulders, the clear, cold pool beneath the falls presented itself. Hot and sweaty from the walk, we were in, swimming across the cool pool for our free waterfall shower. Amazing.
By day four we’d forgotten what our 13-year-old looked like, although we were often reminded of his presence by shrieks of laughter from the swimming pools or cries of enjoyment from the scuttled craft out on the water.
The last hour of every day on the water ended with the Sunset Challenge race — great fun — then it was boats out and up on to the beach for a cold beer at that beach bar, the evening volleyball tournament already in full swing.
At the end of the week, a presentation night saw certificates and awards handed out. My son received the No-Fear award for capsizing any and every boat sailed on, my daughter got the San Lou Legend Award, for her catamaran skills, while father and daughter received the Runners-Up Big Race award.
For me, all holidays can be rated by two simple questions.
Firstly: “Would you go again?” And secondly: “Would you recommend it to a friend?” Both boxes ticked here.
GO: CORSICA
GETTING/STAYING THERE: Seven nights’ full board at San Lucianu Beach Resort is from £749 per adult and £579 per child, including flights from Heathrow on September 15, 2019, transfers, day and evening childcare and water sports tuition and rental. The resort is open May to September. see markwarner.co.uk.
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