Viewing his father's lifeless body was the first time he'd laid eyes on him in six years following the break-down of their relationship.
“There’ve been times when I’ve wanted to scratch my skin off, I’ve felt so frantic, so anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin that I’ve literally wanted to jump out of it but [suicide] is not something I’ve ever really contemplated.
“I don’t believe I have it in me to do it.
That’s what shocked me about my dad, his ability to make a decision to do something, one so permanent and definite and, two so violent.
“My dad wasn’t a violent person. If anything, he was too soft.”
The award-winning songwriter and TV presenter, whose real name is Stephen Manderson, 34, is backing The Sun’s You're Not Alone suicide prevention campaign.
We’re calling on readers to know the signs to look out for in themselves and others, to know how to get help and to wipe out the stigma that all too often prevents us from speaking out about our mental health.
'It's something you never get over'
"It was brutal," says Stephen, describing the devastating reunion with his father in April 2008 when he had to formally identify his dad's dead body.
“Not least of all because of all the bruises around his neck.
“I don’t think it’s something you get over, I think it’s something you begin to understand.”
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet, it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun has launched the You're Not Alone campaign. To remind anyone facing a tough time, grappling with mental illness or feeling like there's nowhere left to turn, that there is hope.
To mark World Suicide Prevention Day, over the course of this week, we will tell you the stories of brave survivors, relatives left behind, heroic Good Samaritans – and share tips from mental health experts.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others. You're Not Alone.
For a list of support services available, please see the Where To Get Help box below.
In Britain, suicide is the single biggest cause of death for men under the age of 45 – they’re three times more likely to kill themselves than women.
The problem, Stephen believes, is rooted in a male tendency to bottle up emotions.
He said: “There is still a lot of stigma that surrounds mental health and men don’t feel very comfortable in saying ‘I feel vulnerable’ but there’s a lot of strength in admitting your vulnerabilities.
“The weakness is in pretending to be something you’re not.”
Through making his 2015 BBC documentary Professor Green: Suicide and me, Stephen says he discovered his dad Peter, who took his life aged just 43, had gone through a “perfect storm” of problems.
They included financial issues, childhood abandonment, rejection and grief following his brother’s suicide two years before his own.
“He went through an awful lot that contributed to his death," Stephen says. "He was obviously internalising his problems.
"He didn’t feel he had people around him that he could share how he truly felt with or, if he did, they didn’t help him.”
'My experience will make me more sensitive as a father'
As Professor Green, Stephen has made three top 20 albums, appeared on countless singles, presented a series of BBC3 documentaries and hosts the UK version of Lip Sync Battle.
Since his failed marriage to Made In Chelsea star Millie Mackintosh, 29, who has since wed her ex Hugo Taylor, Stephen had a short-lived romance with model Fae Williams and is now dating MTV PR girl Milly Gattegno.
While he is yet to start a family of his own, he expects the way he eventually operates as a father will be influenced by his tough life experiences.
“I’ll be a lot more open and, I suppose, a lot more sensitive to their emotions, having been through what I’ve been through because I’ve got a better understanding of it than the people that came before me."
When his father died, many people in Stephen’s position may have turned to drink or drugs to cope with the grief – but for him, it was the opposite.
He says his immediate reaction was “puffing up” his chest and “knocking drugs on the head” to be as “clear-minded” as possible.
It paid off. Just two years later his music earned him two MTV and MOBO awards. Not bad for boy raised on a Hackney council estate by his gran.
Stephen’s 16-year-old mum abandoned him when he was just one so he was brought up by grandma Patricia and great gran Edie.
Through making the documentary, Stephen discovered his father had been abandoned as a child too.
He says that period of tracing his father's life story brought his grief for the man he loved to the surface – seven years after he died.
“I thought it was dealt with and then all these years later, I sit down and have a conversation with my nan in my kitchen and burst into floods of tears.”
Stephen has since sought professional help, including talking and cognitive behavioural therapies [CBT] to get to grips with his anxiety.
“I was just plodding along, unaware of how affected I was by certain things in my childhood, acting out and continuing behaviours that I needed to alter without realising there was anything wrong.
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
“It took a long time for me to take myself away from certain things and to change certain behaviours and to put work into bettering myself.
"I’m definitely a better human than I was ten years ago and I feel quite content.”
'We've got to arm kids with the tools to be strong later'
Stephen is now on a mission to normalise mental health.
He writes regularly for men’s lifestyle website The Book Of Man and was part of the Heads Together campaign spearheaded by Prince Harry and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
He now visits schools to talk to kids about mental wellbeing and bereavement – something he has done with Prince William.
He believes educating youngsters about anxiety and depression will arm them with the emotional tools to overcome problems in later life.
“I’ve been into several schools and to hear them use the term ‘mental health’ is incredible."
Getting the subject on the national curriculum would be "amazing", he says, "not only would it help with their understanding" but probably "save lives in the future because they’d understand there are people they can reach out to".
Stephen adds: “It takes everyone just to be a bit more open and a bit more honest. The most important thing is we raise awareness because after awareness becomes understanding and hopefully after understanding comes a solution.”
Contemplating what he would ask his dad now if he had the chance, he says: “I wouldn’t ask him any questions, I’d just call him a ‘f***ing idiot’.
“I’d say ‘Why didn’t you reach out? Fair enough, you hadn’t been there for me but that’s not to say I wouldn’t have been there for you’.
“I would have relished the chance to develop some sort of adult relationship with him because I loved him to bits.
“I still do. I always will.”
Professor Green is the patron of CALM, the charity dedicated to preventing male suicide in the UK
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