Lewinsky recalls thinking “the only way to fix this was to kill myself.”
Get ready for a whole lot of Monica Lewinsky, who’s telling her side of "The Clinton Affair" in a brand new six-hour documentary for A&E.
Coinciding with the 20th anniversary of Bill Clinton’s impeachment hearings, the network says the special will chronicle "the events leading up to the impeachment trial and explores the role of media, feminism and politics in this story of sex, power, lies and ideological warfare."
The first two clips from the doc wisely put Lewinsky’s new interviews — conducted over a 20-hour period — front and center. In one, she opens up about the beginning of their affair and what it meant to her at the time.
"I don’t talk about this very often and I still feel uncomfortable talking about it, because it’s not as if it didn’t register with me that he was the president, obviously it did," she said, looking back. "I think in one way, the moment we were actually in the back office for the first time, the truth is, I think it meant more for me that someone who other people desired desired me."
"However wrong it was, however misguided, for who I was in that very moment at 22 years old," she added, "that was how it felt."
In another video, she discusses her first meeting with the FBI in January 1998.
"In order to cooperate and avoid charges, I would have to make phone calls, monitored phone calls, which they would listen into and record and I might have to wear a wire and go see people in person," she said. "The ground completely crumbled in that moment. I felt so much guilt and I was terrified."
"They imagined that I would have flipped really easily. They had no plan in place for what would happen if I said no. There was a point for me somewhere in the first several hours where I could be hysterically crying and then I would just shut down," she explained. "In the shut down period, I remember looking out the window and thinking the only way to fix this was to kill myself, to jump out the window."
Choking back tears, she continued. "And, um, I felt terrible. I was scared and I just, I was mortified and afraid of what this was going to do with my family," she recalled. "I still was in love with Bill at the time, so I felt really responsible."
While the clip hasn’t been released yet, Page Six also reported on how Lewinsky talked about the now infamous stained blue dress in the special, saying she had no idea Clinton had left it soiled.
"I went to dinner that night. None of these people said to me, ‘Hey, you’ve got to go to the bathroom, you’ve got stuff all over your dress,’" she remembered.
She also spoke about how the stain came about in the first place. After explaining how Clinton had gifted her a pin and a copy of "Leaves of Grass" by Walt Whitman — a "very meaningful present" — they moved things to the bathroom.
"And so we moved to the bathroom and were more intimate. There was some attention paid on me and then I was reciprocating, where up until that point he had always stopped before completion on his part," she explained, Page Six noted "delicately."
"I sort of stood up and said I wanted to move past that stage and so he finally said OK," she said. "So that finished and then I hugged him after. And he hugged me. And off I went."
And the rest is history.
The six-part miniseries "The Clinton Affair" premieres Sunday, November 18 on A&E.
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