Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: Should I keep on bankrolling my jobless boyfriend?
- An anonymous reader asked Steph and Dom for advice on her boyfriend’s debt
- Steph advised the reader to think about whether he is with her for the money
- Dom suggested that she give him the benefit of the doubt and support him
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q: I’m 49 and have two children, who are both at university. I’ve been single for a long time, since their father died in 2006. However, I met someone new two years ago.
We moved in together this spring and it seemed to be going well. Then, he was unexpectedly made redundant in the summer. As a result, I have been keeping him afloat by paying his share of the rent, bills, food, etc.
It was supposed to be temporary, while he was looking for work, but it’s been five months now and he has shown no signs of getting a job.
The debt he owes me now stands at more than £6,000. This scares me. I am the sole parent and provider for my two children, who still live with me in the summer, and this money is essentially their inheritance.
An anonymous reader asked Steph and Dom for advice about their jobless boyfriend who now owes her £6,000 (file photo)
On the one hand, I want to stick by him through this difficult time. At the same time, I have to put my children first.
I can’t keep going on like this and feel strongly that he should be borrowing money from his family, not me. But I don’t know how to broach this with him. What can I do?
Steph says: You were very young to lose your first husband, so I have huge admiration for you for having successfully brought your children up on your own and managed to pack them off to university. You deserve huge credit for that.
I get the impression you don’t want to talk to family and friends about your current dilemma. Money issues are awkward and can be difficult to talk about. As it’s such a tricky subject, many of us avoid discussing it — even with our partners. I’m a little worried this may be the case with you.
The idea that he may be with you for your wallet is naturally galling, so be prepared.
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Cast your mind back to when you decided to move in together. Did you talk honestly about your respective financial positions? Were financial considerations any part of it for him? Has he simply fallen on hard times, or did he dress up his financial situation in the past?
If you feel he’s been duplicitous — even if only a tiny bit — now’s the time to be completely honest with yourself. Is his motivation to be with you at all financial?
If you’re sure he’s with you for you, not what you can provide, then it’s time for the next step. Are you prepared to lose him over this? If the answer is no, then you need to accept you probably won’t get your money back — and find a solution together. Either way, you need to talk honestly about this. Remember, men have frail egos, especially where money is concerned, so I’d flip this on its head. Appeal to his protective, nurturing side. Tell him you’re running out of cash, that you need his help — and stop the flow of money.
It’s not for you to say whether or not he can borrow money from his family, but you have to tell him that you can’t keep bailing him out. Cry if you have to, but you need to make it clear that the relationship is in trouble here and cannot continue as it is.
You’ve been independent for a long time and now you have someone else — aside from your children — dependent on you. Quite rightly you don’t like it. You’ve been so strong. Now you might be being taken advantage of. Time to put your children back at the top of the list. Be strong.
Steph and Dom advised the reader to consider whether or not she was prepared to lose him over this, and if not, to find a solution together.
Dom says: What an awful situation you both find yourself in. Note, please, that I say ‘both’ of you, for I feel sure he’s finding it hard, too.
What you don’t say in your letter is how much effort he is putting into finding a job. Five months is not an inordinately long time to be trying to find new employment.
If you love him, which I hope is the case, then I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying, and support, support, support.
However, I would urge one note of caution. I have seen situations in the past where one half of a couple loses, or gives up, a job and then discovers that everything seems fine. If life ticks on as normal, but without the 6am alarm, what impetus is there to remedy the situation? If things are too comfortable for your chap, it would be an easy trap for him to fall into.
You need to be sure you’re not making it too comfortable for him. If you have a few quid, he may think it will stretch enough to see him to retirement. And you don’t want that.
So make it clear that it’s getting hard for you. Tell him you are there to support him, but your resources are limited.
Work out all incomings and all outgoings, then show him you mean business. Make it visible. No more beef dinners — it’s cheese on toast; no bottle of wine at home on a Wednesday night; no, you don’t need Netflix. You need to make cutbacks. Together.
Then, suggest he looks for an interim job. It isn’t easy after being made redundant, especially if you’re in your 50s. His self-confidence has likely taken a big hit and he may find a temporary job improves his self-worth, while helping contribute to the shared coffers. Set a budget together and suggest he lower his sights for work.
Hopefully he’ll agree and you’ll come through this rough patch stronger. But if he’s not on board with that, you’ve got a big problem. One I’d solve by showing him the door!
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