‘The rituals parents have to suck up and get on with when raising kids’

My dad taught me how to ride a bike in our local park.

He gripped the back of my neck with one hand, tightly, and ran alongside me – a method I now realise is kind of questionable, as it means he would probably have strangled me if I’d fallen off. I suppose I must not have.

I was not a fast learner. I was also a scaredy-cat. I bet my dad’s back ached as he bent down beside me again and again and again. I’m sure he struggled to keep his patience – he must have longed to go home.

The fact that I’m now a ­competent – although admittedly only just – bike rider proves he kept at it though.

And to this day, however many thousands of years later, if anyone touches the back of my neck, I pedal. It’s an automatic reaction. That’s how deeply the experience is ingrained in me – it goes far beyond cycling ­proficiency.

So when I heard that you can now pay someone to teach your kids how to ride a bicycle, I was appalled.

My son has asked for a bike for his upcoming birthday, so I’m about to discover the hard way exactly how tricky, frustrating and physically testing teaching someone to ride is, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

These are the moments that maketh the mum, right? I only have just under four years of parenting under my belt, but it seems to me that there are some parts of it that are simply non-negotiable.

Often they’re the exact bits that are hard, boring, painful or messy – but they’re rites of passage , for everyone involved.

Skipping them, or paying someone else to do them for you is cheating – yourself as much as your kids. Things that suck, which you have to suck up, include:

All the poo stuff

Changing nappies , toilet training – it’s smelly, disgusting and ultimately extremely bonding (especially if you don’t clean it up quickly enough).

First day of school

On the surface, so simple, but actually a complicated transaction in which you heartlessly abandon your beloved offspring for the first time, and if they are fine – thereby proving that you are totally surplus to requirements now – it is deemed a success.

Overseeing special events

As a parent there’s a certain level of managing you have to do, even when professionals are involved. And so, you will need to keep an eye on what the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny get up to, even though this may involve late nights and, in some cases, your last nerve.

Still, got to be done. Don’t worry though, your children will be super grateful to you when they ­eventually discover further details about this, so it’s all worth it in the end. Ish.

Attending performances

Life is full of disappointments – and one of the biggest of mine was the realisation after becoming a godmother that no school plays are ever of the standard of the one in Love Actually. Or come even anywhere close.

In real life everyone mumbles, they go on FAR too long and a kid who doesn’t deserve it gets the starring role while the one you know stands in the background mesmerised by their own feet.

In theory, the lead role child’s parents could send all the others a fast-forwardable video… in reality, your hands will be red raw from clapping for the seventh shepherd from the left.

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