Jamie Otis opted to not talk much about her son in an effort to avoid overshadowing her 13-month-old daughter Henley Grace this summer — a decision she has now decided was “silly.”
On Instagram Sunday, the Married at First Sight star, 32, opened up about her enduring pain after losing her baby in July 2016 and her desire to keep Johnathan Edward‘s memory alive.
“I’ve heard from people not to let Johnathan’s memory ‘overshadow’ my living daughter, @henleygracehehner,” wrote Otis alongside a family photo gallery. “It made me really take a step back from sharing about him & keeping his memory alive bc the last thing I’d want is to overshadow my daughter.”
But she changed her mind when she realized that she had not posted about her son since July. “It makes me so sad to know I let some people tell me to stop sharing about my son,” Otis explained.
“What a silly thing for them to say to me — and even sillier of me to believe them. There’s not a chance my daughter is being over-shadowed by her big brother in heaven.”
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Alongside the slideshow of joyful and trying moments that Otis and husband Doug Hehner have shared with their children, Otis wrote, “Instagram VS. Reality: at first glance all you see is a happy little family enjoying their first baby, but the reality is this sweet girl is actually our second baby. She’s a rainbow baby and has a big brother who’s an angel baby watching over her from heaven.”
She continued, “Just by looking at that first pic you’d never know the heart-crushing pain we went through before we had the chance to hold our healthy, happy daughter. We were 17 weeks pregnant when I delivered a sleeping angel — our first born son, Johnathan. After I delivered our sweet little baby boy I promised him I’d never forget him & I’d spend my life honoring his.”
“I’m sending you all my love up in heaven today & every day,” the reality-show alum concluded. “I hope you’re bouncing on clouds and sleeping curled up with the angels. We love you little guy!”
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On her Instagram Story, Otis reflected more on Johnathan.
After clapping back at a commenter who said she was unfollowing her and then deleting her reply, Otis wrote, “I have a guilt weighing me down like a ton of bricks. Did I do enough for him? Could I have done something better? Could I have saved him??”
She wrote, “One day I plan to share everything — thoroughly — in hopes it will help others … but my heart ACHES still. I am still broken & I can’t stand the judgement from others. So I stay silent.”
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When she welcomed Henley in 2017, Otis told PEOPLE, “I’m not usually superstitious, but I definitely think Henley was a gift from her big brother.”
She noted, “Our whole journey has led us to the happiest moment of our lives — this sweet baby girl!”
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