I kissed my sister’s boyfriend. I’ve known him for as long as she has, and we have always been a little flirty. It started off with little things, like when my sister and I were arguing over which one of us looked prettier in a dress. We asked him and he said I did, but when my sister got mad he played it off as a joke. But then while she wasn’t looking, he winked at me. Then about a week ago they got in a fight and my sister stormed out of our apartment, leaving him. So I went to talk to him about it, we ended up making out. He made me promise not to tell my sister because he said he would, but he hasn’t. I want to tell her but I’m scared she’ll forgive him and hate me. What should I do?
Well, you sure screwed that up, didn’t you?
I’m joking—but this is a big deal. If your sister finds out, she will be pissed and she won’t forgive easily. It might take some time, but you’ve got to air this out. Just ask yourself: Who should she hear this from? You? Or her boyfriend?
Right now, you’re trusting this guy to defuse the situation. So I have to ask: What in the world makes you think you can trust a guy who would make out with his girlfriend’s sister as soon as she leaves the house?
When he tells this story, do you really think he’s going to paint a fair picture of what happened? Or is he going to blame it all on you and say something that ends with, “I don’t know what happened, but then she was all over me…” You don’t want to let this dude give the first impression.
Don’t trust this cheating boyfriend. Tell your sister yourself.
As for what you say, there’s no way to spin this with elaborate explanations that’s going to help. Don’t make another mistake by making excuses. Just tell the simple truth. Tell her you made a dumb mistake, because you did. Just take responsibility, admit it was wrong, let her yell at you if she needs that, and don’t expect immediate forgiveness.
My girlfriend and I were unofficially dating on and off, mostly long distance, for six months. Then, we broke it off for a while. We just started officially dating two weeks ago. We’re both 19-year-old women, she’s a virgin and I’m not. I love her and I want to have sex with her, but I have no idea whether she wants to. I’m worried if I bring it up I might end up putting pressure on her or rushing things too much. How soon is too soon to bring it up, and how do I ask her if she wants sex without putting pressure on her to do anything she doesn’t want to do yet?
It’s great that you’re being so sensitive to your girlfriend, that you’re concerned about pressuring her, and that you are not going to ask her to do anything she doesn’t want to do before she’s ready. Now that you’ve told me that, tell her when it feels right.
When is that? There are no rules to this sort of thing. Anyway, would you count the six months or just the two weeks? I don’t know—do you? What I do know is that she’s also thinking about it, and it might be a relief to both of you, for different reasons, if you talk about it sooner than later. Believe me, the thought has definitely crossed her mind and it’s likely causing her some anxiety too.
If you do, you won’t end up dancing around the sex question every time you say “good night.” And you won’t end up having the conversation when you’re not thinking clearly—as in, when you’re so turned on you might come off as more aggressive than you are, or when you’re so frustrated that she might think you’re frustrated with her, rather than the situation. It’s also good to pick a nice quiet time, rather than late at night after a few drinks, say, when you’re both exhausted and, perhaps, tipsy.
Instead, one quiet evening soon, tell her how you feel. Tell her that you love her and you want to have sex with her when she’s ready. That you were anxious about bringing it up because you don’t want to pressure her. That you will wait as long as it takes until she’s ready. And that you would never expect her to do anything before she’s ready. Don’t worry about phrasing this in some exact perfect way. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, and that’s what matters most. So just speak from your heart and it will bring you two closer together, whether you end up in bed or not.
My fiancé and I got engaged about a year ago after a year of dating. We were so happy. I thought of him as my best friend and trusted him completely. Then, a few months after we got engaged, I caught him texting another girl. She was someone he knew from high school. He lied to me and told me that she texted him first just to catch up and was no big deal. However, after I talked to her I found out that he had gotten her number and texted her and persuaded her to send him photos of her in her underwear. After I confronted him, he admitted to everything and begged for my forgiveness and asked me to still marry him. I decided to stay with him and work to move past it. However, I still have this feeling that there’s something that he won’t tell me. She had a boyfriend at the time as well, and my fiancé contacted her to ask her to lie for him when I was still trying to sort out the truth. So I’m afraid that there’s more that they’re both keeping a secret in order to save their relationships. He only admitted what happened in the first place when I told him I already knew the truth. He remains adamant that they never met up or had sex, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s lying. I guess what I’m asking is, would it be better to just break off the engagement with someone I can’t seem to trust anymore, or continue working on it? How will I ever feel secure if I don’t know if I still even know the whole truth?
There’s a reason that Oprah’s favorite bit of advice, courtesy of Maya Angelou, is the following: “When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.” It’s damn good advice and I’m often at a loss to improve upon it. Love makes optimists of us all, but our best hopes for someone’s potential often lead to disappointment.
The man you are engaged to now is the same man who will be your husband if you stay with him. And who is that man right now? At the very least, we know he’s a guy who’s secretly sexting with an ex immediately after getting engaged. We know he’s a guy who couldn’t truly be faithful for much more than a year. We know he’s a guy who lies to cover his tracks, and who is so deceptive that he reached out to this woman and asked her to lie for him too.
As for what we don’t know for sure, I don’t blame you for wondering if he did have an affair with this woman. I’d have trouble believing him too. If he lied about the texts and asked her to lie about their relationship, there’s good reason to believe he lied about more—and really no way for you to know if it goes deeper. (Why else would he ask her to lie?)
That said, I’m not saying your fiancé is an awful man who’s incapable of change. People do get their acts together—but the basic dynamics generally remain. Maybe he’s acting out and disrespecting your relationship because of some self-destructive fear, or cold-feet panic about getting married. Or maybe he’s just always been selfish and shady. Again, what has he shown you? That he’s a guy who struggles to be faithful (to put it kindly) and whose first instinct is to lie when he’s caught. Plenty of people have gotten over worse transgressions, but plenty of people have also moved on and found someone more worthy of their trust.
Going forward, you do have a tough decision to make—and I don’t have clearcut advice for you, since trust is always more of a gut feeling that you’ve got to follow. It will be hard for him to prove himself trustworthy and that may take a lot of time. And time is necessary: He would have to earn that trust day-by-day for many days, and you would have to decide to give him that opportunity. He would also need to be patient and give you all the time you need.
For now, I’d recommend calling off the engagement or, at the very least, delaying it indefinitely while you figure this out. Remember, just as he’s showing you who he is, you are showing him who you are, and who you’re likely to be in the future: Are you a woman who quickly forgives something like this? Or a woman who demands more respect in return for her trust?
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