These Two Ronnies scripts are some of the funniest performed on TV

‘Four candles? No – fork handles!’ These Two Ronnies scripts are some of the funniest ever performed on TV

 

They’re the moments that had the nation shaking with laughter — the funniest scenes and sketches from Britain’s best-loved comedy TV shows. 

Here, in a week-long series to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Weekend magazine, we bring you the rib-tickling treasures as they were originally written. 

Today, the Mail’s TV critic Christopher Stevens picks unforgettable gags from perhaps the greatest double act of all time, The Two Ronnies… 

The Two Ronnies shows began with the pair sitting at desks like newsreaders and delivering a series of gags and joke news items

Ronnie Corbett: Good evening.

Ronnie Barker: And in a packed show tonight we’ll be talking to a pathetic out-of-work contortionist who claims that he can’t make both ends meet.

RC: And to a masochist who likes nothing better than a cold bath in the morning — so he has a warm bath in the evening.

RB: And then a lady who’s a world authority on carpets, an expert on rugs and not at all bad on lino.

RC: Then we’ll talk to a stereo expert about his favourite breakfast — two bowls of Rice Krispies 10ft apart.

RB: And a Sultan with 365 wives will explain why he’s looking forward to leap year.

RC: Then we’ll interview the Romford girl who took the Pill washed down with pond water and was today diagnosed as being three months stagnant.

RB: After that we’ll be meeting a tax inspector who’ll show us how to fill in a form, followed by a foreman who’ll show us how to fill in a tax inspector.

RC: And a famous millionaire will reveal how it feels to have piles of gold — wealthy but uncomfortable.

RB: Then we’ll feature the famous colour-blind poet, Mr Reginald Smithers. Here’s an excerpt from one of his poems:

RC: Roses are red

Violets are brown, the sky is bright yellow, and so are blue tits!

In the Divorce Court today…

RC: A husband claimed his wife’s mother kept shouting at him that he was driving too fast along the M1 — and to make matters worse she swore at him while he was untying her from the roof rack.

RB: And an executive from a toothpaste manufacturing company was divorced by his wife on the grounds of cruelty. She claimed he kept squeezing her at the wrong end.

RC: Then Madame Fifi Dubonnet, the former Picasso model, claimed that last Sunday her husband severely assaulted her and gave her three black eyes.

Later, we’ll discuss the burning questions…

RC: What should you tip the porter in an all-male nudist camp — and will a fiver cover it?

RB: Then we’ll be discussing potholing and why it ruins your bedroom carpets.

RC: Education — can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?

RB: Then we’ll consider loneliness, with a special report from the Archbishop of Golders Green.

RC: And, for ladies we’ll be talking about rum babas — and what to wear if you’ve got them.

RB: We’ll be discussing our new Classic series — What Katy Did, What Katy Did Next, Who Did What To Katy and Son Of Katy.

RC: Which will lead us to discuss three famous oriental sex books, the Kama Sutra, The Less Calm Sutra and The Absolutely Frantic Sutra.  

Now here are the announcements… 

RB: We’ve just been handed an urgent warning about Trimmets Treacle Puddings, which have caused several people to be sent to hospital with badly scalded feet. It seems people have misunderstood the instructions which read: ‘Before opening tin, stand in boiling water for 20 minutes.’

In Politics . . .

RB: The Chancellor has announced new plans for shortening the dole queues. He’s asking the men to stand closer together.

RC: However, in a White Paper today the Government revealed plans to help the small shopkeeper — a lower counter.

RB: And the Prime Minister announced today a new plan to ensure we don’t become poor when we reach 60 — he’s going to make sure we’re all poor when we reach 30.

This just in …

RC: In the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

RB: And there was an accident involving Britain’s worst goalkeeper, Bill Berkeley, who has already let through 157 goals this season. Shouting out ‘I am a complete failure,’ Berkeley threw himself in front of a bus . . . luckily, the bus passed under him and he wasn’t hurt.

News from the awards …

RC: Shy spinster Hester Pettigrew was awarded the George Cross for saving the life of a drowning man. She gave him the kiss of life with her bicycle pump.

We interrupt this bulletin …

RB: For a police message. Will the man who lost eight bottles of whisky at Euston station this morning please go to the Lost Property office by Platform Nine where the man who found them has just been handed in.

Today in the Courts …

RC: A journalist who slandered the Chancellor of the Exchequer very badly was given a chance to do better in the High Court today.

RB: A man who ate scampi contaminated with mercury successfully sued the Alpha Bottle Scampi Co. for injuries. He said every time the temperature went up, he hit his head on the ceiling.

And in Sport News …

RB: In the transatlantic single-handed yacht race Mr Owen Smithers has been disqualified for using both hands.

RC: Tonight’s tug of war between England and France may have to be cancelled if nobody can find a 26-mile rope.

RB: And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who, this year, made a lot of money on the greyhounds — as a jockey. 

Masterminds of comic timing

Ronnie Barker is Mastermind quizmaster Magnus Magnusson and in the big black chair is Ronnie Corbett as contestant Charlie Smithers.

These are the moments the two Ronnies had the nation shaking with laughter — the funniest scenes and sketches from Britain’s best-loved comedy TV shows

MAGNUS: And so to our first contender. Good evening and can I have your name, please?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Ah . . . good evening.

MAGNUS: Your chosen subject was answering questions before they were asked. This time you have chosen to answer the question before last, correct?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Charlie Smithers.

MAGNUS: And your time starts now. What is palaeontology?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Yes, absolutely correct.

MAGNUS: What is the name of the directory that lists members of the peerage?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A study of old fossils.

MAGNUS: Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir Geoffrey Howe?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Burke’s.

MAGNUS: What is the difference between a donkey and an ass?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: One’s a trade union leader, the other’s a member of the Cabinet.

MAGNUS: Correct. Complete the quotation, ‘To be or not to be . . .’

CHARLIE SMITHERS: They’re both the same.

MAGNUS: Correct. What is Bernard Manning famous for?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: That is the question.

MAGNUS: Correct. Who is the present Archbishop of Canterbury?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: He’s a fat man who tells blue jokes.

MAGNUS: Correct. What do people lean on in church?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: The Right Reverend Robert Runcie.

MAGNUS: Correct. What do tarantulas prey on?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Hassocks.

MAGNUS: Correct. What would you use a ripcord to pull open?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Large flies.

MAGNUS: Correct. What sort of person lived in Bedlam?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A parachute.

MAGNUS: Correct. What is a jockstrap?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A nutcase.

MAGNUS: For what purpose would a decorator use methylene chlorides?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A form of athletic support.

MAGNUS: Correct. What did Henri Toulouse-Lautrec do?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Paint strippers.

MAGNUS: Correct. Who is Dean Martin?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Erm, he’s a kind of artist.

MAGNUS: Yes . . . what kind of artist?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Erm…pass.

MAGNUS: That’s near enough. What make of vehicle is the standard London bus?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A Singer.

MAGNUS: Correct. In 1892, Brandon Thomas wrote what famous long-running English farce?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: British Leyland.

MAGNUS: Correct. Complete the following quotation . . . (hooter sounds to signal time has run out) I’ve started so I’ll finish. Complete the following quotation about Mrs Thatcher, ‘Her heart may be in the right place but her . . .’

CHARLIE SMITHERS: ‘Charley’s Aunt.’

Four candles, saw tips…and gales of laughter

An old ironmonger’s shop. A shop that sells everything, garden equipment, ladies’ tights, builders’ supplies, mousetraps, everything. 

A long counter up and down stage. Lots of deep drawers and cupboards up high, so that Ronnie Corbett has to get a ladder to get some of the goods that Ronnie Barker orders. 

The old ironmonger’s shop sold everything, garden equipment, ladies’ tights, builders’ supplies, mousetraps: everything

Ronnie Corbett is serving a woman with a toilet roll. He is not too bright. 

RC: (Muttering) There you are — mind how you go.

(Woman exits. RB enters — a workman. Not too bright either.)

RC: Yes, sir!?

RB: Four candles?

RC: Four candles? Yes sir. (He gets four candles from a drawer.) There you are.

RB: No — fork handles!

RC: Four candles. That’s four candles.

RB: No, fork handles — handles for forks.

RC: Oh, fork handles. (He gets a garden fork handle from the back of the shop.) Anything else?

RB: (Looks at his list). Got any plugs?

RC: What sort of plugs?

RB: Bathroom — rubber one.

Gets box of bath plugs, holds up two different sizes.

RC: What size?

RB: Thirteen amp.

RC: Oh, electric plugs. (Gets electric plug from drawer.) What else?

RB: Saw tips.

RC: Saw tips? What you want, ointment?

RB: No, tips to cover the saw.

RC: Oh. No, we ain’t got any.

RB: Got any hoes?

RC: Hoes? Yeah. (He gets a garden hoe from the garden department.)

RB: No — hose.

RC: Oh, hose. I thought you meant hoes. (He gets a roll of garden hose.)

RB: No, hose!

RC: (Gives him a dirty look.) What hose? (He gets a packet of ladies’ tights from a display stand.) Pantie-hose, you mean?

RB: No, ‘O’s’ — letter ‘O’s — letters for the gate. ‘Mon Repose’.

RC: Why didn’t you say so? (He gets a ladder, climbs up to cupboard high on wall, gets down a box of letters.) Now, ‘O’s — here we are — two?

RB: Yeah.

RC: Right. (He takes box back up ladder and returns.) Next?

RB: Got any ‘P’s?

RC: Oh my Gawd, why didn’t you bleedin’ say while I’d got the box of letters down here? I’m working me guts out here climbing about all over the shop putting things back and then getting ’em out again. Now then, (he is back with the box) how many? Two?

RB: No — peas — three tins of peas!

RC: You’re having me on, ain’t yer!? Ain’t yer! (He gets three tins of peas.)

RB: No I ain’t. I meant tinned peas.

RC: Right. Now what?

RB: Pumps.

RC: Pumps? Hand pumps or foot pumps?

RB: Foot.

RC: Foot pumps. Right. (He goes off, returns with a small footpump.)

RB: No, pumps for your feet. Brown pumps, size nine.

RC: You are having me on, I’ve had enough of this. (He gets them from drawer.) Is that the lot?

RB: Washers.

RC: (Exasperated) Windscreen washers? Car washers? Dishwashers? Hair washers? Back scrubbers? Lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?

RB: Half-inch washers.

RC: Tap washers! Here give me that list, I’m fed up with this. (He reads list and reacts) Right! That does it. That’s the final insult. (Calls through door) Jones! Come and serve this customer — I’ve had enough! (Mr Jones comes out and RC shows him the list) Look what he’s got on there!

JONES: (Goes to a drawer with a towel draped over it.) Right! How many would you like? One or two?

He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer — ‘Bill hooks’.

Did you go for pleasure, or did your wife go too? 

Ronnie Corbett (Humphrey) and Ronnie Barker (Godfrey) are in armchairs in their London club. 

Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett pictured in 1977. The pair were loved for their classic TV comedy moments

RC: I say, Godfrey.

RB: What is it, Humphrey?

RC: My doctor has advised me to give up golf.

RB: Why? Did he examine your heart?

RC: No, he had a look at my scorecard.

RB: Ah. Does he play at all?

RC: My doctor? Yes. Terrible cheat. He always puts down one stroke less than he actually took. We caught him out the other day, though.

RB: How was that?

RC: He got a hole in one and he put down nought.

RB: I say, Humphrey.

RC: What is it, Godfrey?

RB: You know, no matter how hot the day is, at night it gets dark.

RC: Yes. It’s the same in America.

RB: Just come back, haven’t you?

RC: Mm.

RB: Did you go for pleasure, or did the wife go with you?

RC: Went alone. Very grand hotel.

RB: Really?

RC: Yes. So grand that even the guests have to use the service entrance.

RB: That is grand.

RC: Funny people, the Americans, though. On the plane going over, a woman collapsed. Doctor, sitting on one side of her, refused to help. Said he was on holiday.

RB: Amazing.

RC: Chap sitting other side of her said: ‘That’s disgraceful.’ Doctor said: ‘Would you carry on your profession if you were on holiday?’ ‘I certainly would,’ said the other chap. ‘Alright, what is your profession?’ he said. ‘I’m a fishmonger,’ said the other chap, and he picked the woman up, loosened her clothing and sold her two pounds of haddock.

RC: I say, Godfrey.

RB: What is it, Humphrey?

RC: You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.

RB: Impossible. These are the only feet I’ve got. Anyway, my head’s in no fit state to think about my feet.

RC: Hungover?

RB: Absolutely draped, old chap.

RC: Well, cheer up old lad — no one ever died of a hangover.

RB: Don’t say that, Humphrey. It’s only the hope of dying that’s keeping me alive.

RC: Who were you with, Godfrey?

RB: Geoffrey, Humphrey. We both left the party together. He was so drunk I couldn’t see him. I took him to the West End for coffee.

RC: Should never give coffee to a drunk. All you get is a wide-awake drunk. Is he better now?

RB: Getting better. He’s in hospital.

RC: Hospital? Why?

RB: We were sitting on Westminster Bridge, playing who could lean over the farthest, and he won.

What the Butler swore…

An old lord (Ronnie Corbett) and his lady are having dinner in their ancestral home, served by a truculent butler (Ronnie Barker).

LORD: Where’s the food? We’ve been sitting here ages. That new butler is very erratic. Wait for ages, then he brings all the food at once. What’s more, he’s damned impudent.

LADY: Oh, do you think so? He’s always very polite to me.

LORD: Well, he’s not to me. Impudent bounder.

(Enter butler, puts plate in front of lady.)

BUTLER: Your game, Milady.

(Gives her a leer and starts to go.)

LORD: I say, Blenkinsop, hurry up with my roast pork. Make sure it’s a nice fatty bit!

(Butler appears to ignore him, and exits.)

LORD: There you are — ignores me.

LADY: Don’t make such a fuss. He’s very efficient.

LORD: Damned rude, I call it.

(Butler enters with another plate. Places it in front of the Lord.)

BUTLER: Your fat, Milord. (He exits.)

LORD: How dare he! I’m going to have to sack him.

LADY: Steady on — we have enough servant trouble as it is. The handyman’s about to leave us, and the plumbing is in a terrible state.

LORD: Oh, that reminds me, the lavatories . . .

(Butler enters with dessert — he places it in front of Lady.)

BUTLER: Your sweet, Milady.

(He leers again.)

LADY: Oh, thank you, Blenkinsop.

(He goes to sideboard, brings dish to Lord.)

BUTLER: Your nuts, Milord. (Turns away.)

LORD: Cheeky swine! (Calls to him) How am I supposed to break these open — with my teeth?

(Butler returns to table.)

BUTLER: Your crackers, Milord. (Hands him nutcrackers and exits.)

LORD: That does it! Staff shortage or no staff shortage — he goes!

LADY: Well, you know best, dear. What were you saying about the lavatories?

(Butler enters, pushing a large trolley.)

LORD: They’re broken. Out of order. Up the spout and down the drain.

LADY: What? And we’ve sacked the handyman! How are we going to manage?

(Butler, at table by the trolley, takes cover off a bucket, hands it to Lady.)

BUTLER: Your pale, Milady.

(Takes cover off another object.)

BUTLER: Your potty, Milord.

If space scientists are so clever, why DO they count backwards?

In another much-loved regular skit, the Ronnies play a pair of country bumpkin vagabonds. Here’s our pick of some of their most priceless moments (best enjoyed in their broad yokel accents).

Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett are sitting by the side of a country road, their paraphernalia around them as vagabonds

Food

RONNIE BARKER: Have you seen the evening paper?

RONNIE CORBETT: No, what’s in it?

RONNIE BARKER: My lunch.

RONNIE CORBETT: Can I have some of it?

RONNIE BARKER: No. Get your own.

RONNIE CORBETT: Where did you get it?

RONNIE BARKER: That woman up the hill.

RONNIE CORBETT: Oh, her. Terrible cook, she is. I broke a tooth on her gravy once. She gave me some cold spinach. Eat that, she said. It’ll put colour in your cheeks.

RONNIE BARKER: Yeah, it will. But who wants green cheeks?

RONNIE CORBETT: I’m never going to her again. I nearly went blind drinking her cocoa.

RONNIE BARKER: You can’t go blind drinking cocoa.

RONNIE CORBETT: I nearly did.

RONNIE BARKER: How?

RONNIE CORBETT: I left the spoon in the cup.

Money

RONNIE BARKER: It says here ‘there is no recession’. All I can say is, if this isn’t a recession, it must be the worst boom in history.

RONNIE CORBETT: No. Everybody’s got more money that they used to have.

RONNIE BARKER: I haven’t. I’m skint.

RONNIE CORBETT: Didn’t you just have an uncle die?

RONNIE BARKER: No, I’ve got an Auntie Di. Married to Fred.

RONNIE CORBETT: Oh, it was your Auntie, was it?

RONNIE BARKER: No, Auntie didn’t die, she’s alive. It was Fred. He’s dead.

RONNIE CORBETT: Fred.

RONNIE BARKER: Dead.

RONNIE CORBETT: How much money did he leave?

RONNIE BARKER: All of it; you have to. But none of it to me. I am truly borassic.

RONNIE CORBETT: Like me. I haven’t got two half-pennies to scratch the soloes of me feet with. But I don’t need money.

RONNIE BARKER: I do. I’ve asked for money, I’ve begged for money, I’ve cried for money-

RONNIE CORBETT: Why don’t you work for it?

RONNIE BARKER: Well, I’m going through the alphabet

Telescope

They are eating chips or scraps from a screwed-up newspaper.

RONNIE BARKER: It says here they’ve invented a telescope what can see 93million miles.

RONNIE CORBETT: Impossible.

RONNIE BARKER: Nothing is impossible.

RONNIECORBETT: Must be something.

RONNIE BARKER: No.

RONNIE CORBETT: I’ll you something that’s impossible.

RONNIE BARKER: What?

RONNIE CORBETT: It’s impossible for a worm to fall over.

RONNIE BARKER: Ah, that’s different – I mean in space, and that.

RONNIE CORBETT: I don’t trust these space scientists. If they’re so clever, why do they count backwards?

RONNIE BARKER: Ah well, yeah.

RONNIE CORBETT: ‘Zackly. One of them telescopes wouldn’t be no good to me. I got spots before me eyes.

RONNIE BARKER: You got new glasses – didn’t they help?

RONNIE CORBETT: Sort of. They didn’t get rid of the spots, but I can see ’em much clearer now. 

Fork Handles, The Tramps Humphrey and Godfrey and Welcome M’Lord are adapted from Fork Handles by Ronnie Barker, published by Ebury Publishing at £9.99. Copyright © The Ronnie Barker Estate 2013. 

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