Voting day is upon us. Fool the people to get their money, it’s fraud. Fool the people to get their votes, it’s politics.
Statistics say 86 percent of Americans are confused about foreign policy. This is alarming.
Especially when you realize the survey was taken at our State Department.
So many candidates lining up, there aren’t enough promises to go around.
Visiting Miss Liberty, a teacher told the student: “You’ll never be president, but with your absentee record you might make it to Congress.”
Around Albany, some legislators are pen pals. Another might be honored with a testimonial probe.
Around Washington, the tablets Moses would carry would be Anacin.
Senator: To err is human. To blame it on the other guy is democracy.
Congressman: A good man nowadays is hard to find. That’s why we have separate parties.
Alderman: Elect me. Even if your troubles won’t be over — mine will.
Assemblyman: An advance poll favors whoever took it. Some candidates lose because nobody knows what they’ve actually done. Others win for the same reason.
Party leader: Many campaigns run into debt, hoping for the chance to do the same for the country.
One wannabe allocated 10 mil. Told her run wouldn’t cost that much, she answered: “Yes, but in case I lose I want to live comfortably.”
Considering many electees are jokes, spread these around . . . just like the stuff They are spreading around . . .A magician and a congressman both bamboozle the public. But when a magician does it, taxes don’t go up.
Around City Hall. Born poor and honest, the front-runner managed to overcome both difficulties.
Near the Executive Mansion: Our Speaker is like a buffet. Lots of dough and full of baloney.
The Pentagon: To accuse us now of spying to learn what’s going on in the Kremlin is ridiculous. We’re too busy trying to find out what’s going on in the White House.
Great communicator buzz
Some sort of political thing is schlepping Broadwayward. “From Reagan With Love,” about four ’85 to ’88 Ronnie/Gorbachev summits, had two reads and is now being shopped.
Written by a symphony conductor, maybe it will distribute jelly beans at intermission.
For those of you too young to remember, President Reagan kept a jar of jelly beans on his desk in the Oval Office. At his 1981 inauguration, more than three tons of red, white and blue Jelly Belly beans were consumed.
Please pay attention
Heidi Klum, who’s about to have her annual fabulous Halloween party at Lavo, once said to Mademoiselle magazine: “Kissing Angelina Jolie’s lips is unbelievable. Like your whole face is sucked in by her mouth.” . . . Jim Carrey, seemingly gone since before the Earth cooled, is back. His Showtime series “Kidding” now has a Season 2. A Mister Rogers-type character. Helping kids. Sharing wise counsel . . . Sofía Vergara is climbing Instagram’s ladder. She’s now zoomed up to 15,242,782 followers . . . Another thing you should know. Back aways producer/star Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted waiting for cupcakes at a Beverly Hills bakery. And what’s he doing while waiting? Reading “Moby Dick.”
A true story to illustrate we’ve grown hardened to tragedy and shootings. Names are omitted to protect the stupidly guilty.
Last week. Upper East Side. This husband craved a few tasties plus mushroom and barley soup for dinner. The wife left to get it. En route, a shooting.
Cops, crowds, screams, ambulances, stanchions, guards, paramedics, press, streets closed, photographers. Panicked, she races home.
Shaken, gasping, out of breath, she relates what just happened. Focused on her grocery bag, his only comment? “So what are we having?”
For sure, only in New York, kids, only in New York.
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